What Concessions Republicans Ought to Be Forced to Make

What Concessions Republicans Ought to Be Forced to Make:
There's competing "deals" in the House and the Senate to end the government shutdown and raise the debt ceiling. The Senate version is a bit less kind to Republicans, giving them very little to take from the confrontation they provoked while Democrats get to roll back a fee in the Affordable Care Act that pissed off unions. The doomed House deal gives Democrats nothing and does make some minor changes to the ACA, like a two-year delay on a tax on medical devices and, dickishly, forcing all members of Congress and high-ranking members of the executive branch to go out into the health insurance exchanges with no subsidies from their jobs. Oh, and we have to do it all again in February 2014.

There's a chance that Senator Ted Cruz will be a cockhole and explode the Senate deal. There's a chance that teabaggers will continue to be crazy bastards in the House. Either way, the Republicans, who bear the total blame for this clusterfuck crisis, aren't punished in any way. In another time, we'd've just lined 'em up against the World War II memorial and gunned 'em down for sedition. But, alas, we live in a moderately more civilized era.

Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi should be calling on Republicans to abase themselves before the people of the United States. It could be written into the deal. Just a few things. Like:

1. Paul Ryan will have to give President Obama a blow job on the steps of the Capitol while the GOP House members sing, "Amazing Grace." Ryan will give the blow job enthusiastically, stating repeatedly, in answer to Obama's question, "Yes, I like it." Ryan will not neglect Obama's balls. Obama will be allowed to decide if he wants to blow his load on Ryan's hair or face or right into Ryan's mouth. If it is the mouth, Ryan will swallow and tell everyone that Obama's spunk tastes American and Christian.

2. John Boehner and Mitch McConnell will appear nude except for thong underwear. They will stand in front of the Democratic members of each of their legislative bodies. Those Democrats will be allowed to throw rotting fruit and vegetables at them for a period of no less than three hours. At the end, they will have bananas shoved up their asses. Boehner and McConnell may not bathe or change outfits until a time that the Democratic leadership determines to be appropriate or until they get skin infections, whichever comes first.

3. The members of the Tea Party caucus of the House of Representatives must be brought to a charity mental institution and locked up before they do further harms to themselves and others. This will be done in full view of television cameras. If the Tea Party-identified House members resist, they will be straitjacketed and gagged. This will be done to Louie Gohmert regardless of his level of cooperation. The representatives will be kept in the psychiatric hospital until they no longer see demons, Kenyans, socialists, and/or Muslims everywhere they look.

4. Senator Ted Cruz will have to go on MSNBC and eat the entire text of his 21-hour fake filibuster as printed on regular paper. If he vomits while doing so, he must eat the vomit. When he's done and he's shit out the document, the shit will be eaten by Senators Mike Lee, Rand Paul, and Marco Rubio, who have been connected in that order, their mouths to each other's anuses, human centipede-style, with Lee's mouth attached to Cruz's ass.

5. Eric Cantor will get punched in his stupid fucking face. The puncher will be determined by a lottery. Lottery tickets will be sold to Democrats as a fundraiser for Planned Parenthood.

That's a start. At the end of the day, President Obama and Harry Reid should ensure that the GOP pays a mighty price for fucking with the nation. It's time to start treating the Republicans like the criminals, perverts, and circus freaks that they are.