The NRA's Wayne LaPierre: Join Our Resistance and Get a Free Tote Bag:
If you haven't read NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre's dystopian vision of America in yesterday's Daily Caller (motto: "Look, if you don't want Tucker Carlson to return to TV, you better read this shit"), you totally should. If LaPierre called it his "manifesto" and then went on a murder/arson spree, you'd have to think, "Yup, that makes a whole lot of sense." The United States that LaPierre describes is nothing short of a violence-flooded nightmare straight out of a Hieronymus Bosch painting.

There's "Latin American gangs" are pouring over the border (despite the fact, yes, fact that illegal immigration is on the decline). What do they want to do? Well, it ain't hedge-clipping. Their "jobs are murder, rape, robbery and kidnapping," for which the pay is okay, but the benefits suck. Oh, and al-Qaeda. Them, too - they're coming for you with their jobs of doom. "A heinous act of mass murder—either by terrorists or by some psychotic who should have been locked up long ago—will be the pretext to unleash a tsunami of Gun Control," LaPierre writes. LaPierre is the kind of guy who has a tiny dick but tries to convince all the ladies that it's just huge and can't be controlled.

And we who support greater gun control are real bastards, according to LaPierre: "After Hurricane Sandy, we saw the hellish world that the gun prohibitionists see as their utopia." Now, the Rude Pundit went through Sandy, and he isn't sure how living without power in the cold while running out of food and gasoline is anyone's utopia. Indeed, LaPierre jacks it to the disaster porn: "Hurricanes. Tornadoes. Riots. Terrorists. Gangs. Lone criminals. These are perils we are sure to face—not just maybe. It’s not paranoia to buy a gun. It’s survival." So within a couple of paragraphs, LaPierre shifts a hurricane hell-world from gun control utopia to Exhibit A for gun purchase.

Arm yourselves, motherfuckers, 'cause the apocalypse is a-comin'. LaPierre assures us, "We, the American people, clearly see the daunting forces we will undoubtedly face: terrorists, crime, drug gangs, the possibility of Euro-style debt riots, civil unrest or natural disaster." And Obama, with his supervillain ability to appoint judges who believe in gun control. That's pretty much the the same thing as a terrorist attack, you know. Oh, and Mike Bloomberg "and his gang" need to be stopped because they have money.

You'd think that in an essay titled "Stand and Fight," one that says, "To preserve the inalienable, individual human right to keep and bear arms—to withstand the siege that is coming—the NRA is building a four-year communications and resistance movement. The enemies of the Second Amendment will be met with unprecedented defiance, commitment and determination," LaPierre would be calling for armed insurrection against the government, like, you know, a "resistance" under "siege" might do. But Wayne LaPierre is a pussy and a con man.

Because if you go to the second page of LaPierre's execration of people who want gun laws, you see what this whole thing is really about: "[W]e must strengthen the NRA like never before. We are, and always have been, a genuine grassroots organization. And never has your membership been more important. Never has the NRA been more in need of your support."

Yep, the whole first part is a total cocktease. LaPierre reached into your pants, took out your Glock, stroked it, told you how much he wanted to see it shoot, and then walked away before pulling the trigger.

It's a fundraising letter. The rest of the article is LaPierre talking about how people need to join the NRA and give it more money, money that pays for Wayne LaPierre. "Every gun owner should be an active member of the NRA," he says. "Every gun owner should be sure that every member of his or her family is an active member." And LaPierre will come to your home and sign you up, if necessary. "The NRA is launching a nationwide, full-court initiative to urge every gun owner, and every non-gun-owning lover of freedom, to join the NRA and fight this battle. I will personally be traveling all over America enlisting new members," LaPierre threatens.

How fucking awesome is that? LaPierre spends all that time telling you how everything is descending into anarchy and eventual cannibalism, but never fear, the NRA is here. It's not unlike saying that you have syphilis, but this pamphlet on avoiding STDs is all you need to help you.

LaPierre's big finish, after he weirdly warns us not to become like England, is "We will not surrender. We will not appease. We will buy more guns than ever. We will use them for sport and lawful self-defense more than ever. We will grow the NRA more than ever. And we will be prouder than ever to be freedom-loving NRA patriots." What a fuckin' scam, huh? It's beautiful in its con artistry.

In other words, give Wayne LaPierre cash or the end is surely nigh.