What Barack Obama Should Have Said While Announcing the End of the Iraq War (Rude Version):
President Obama gave a speech at Fort Bragg yesterday to declare the end of the 8.75 year war in Iraq. It was measured and vague. Here's what he should have said:

"More than 1.5 million Americans have served in Iraq. 1.5 million. Over 30,000 Americans have been wounded, and those are only the wounds that show. Nearly 4,500 Americans made the ultimate sacrifice. To all of them, to all of you, and to your families, I just want to say, 'We're sorry.' I mean, holy shit are we sorry. We can't say how sorry we are. I could have a couple of hundred thousand prostitutes ready to fuck each and every one of you, and that wouldn't scratch the surface of how sorry we are. By the way, we do not have those prostitutes because John Boehner refused to fund them.

"I look out there on all of your tired, confused, if relieved faces. Some of you have fond memories of building schools or playgrounds, of happy Iraqi children smiling at you, of people thanking you for ridding the nation of Saddam Hussein. But you're all wondering, 'What the fuck was that for?' And, to be honest, I cannot tell you. I can tell you that it was all a colossal clusterfuck and a waste of time and lives and money, for several reasons.

"First, within the next few years, Iraq is going to descend into chaos, and there is not a goddamned thing we can do about it unless we want to overthrow the government and install someone who is totally our puppet and stay there in large numbers forever. But, c'mon, if these fuckers wanna kill each other, it's gonna happen, whether it's Shi'ites from Iran or Sunnis from Syria making the violence roll. People gotta start this shit from within. That's what we learned this year in places like Tunisia and Libya. And it could still end up with fucking chaos.

"Second, you're returning to an America that this war, among other things, has serious fucked up. You're not gonna get jobs. You're not gonna get the help you need. If you're on unemployment, we can't even guarantee that that'll last. Sure, sure, I can say that we passed the Post-9/11 G.I. Bill, so that you and your families can get the education that allows you to live out your dreams. That includes a national effort to put our veterans to work. We’ve worked with Congress to pass a tax credit so that companies have the incentive to hire vets. And Michelle has worked with the private sector to get commitments to create 100,000 jobs for those who’ve served. But, c'mon. We've fucked ourselves with our own dicks. And when push comes to shove, you know those Republican cocksuckers in Congress will cut your benefits so that Johnny Billionaire can afford more cocaine and bigger tits for his wife and daughter.

"Now, I wanna be honest with you. I wanted to leave about 3000 of you there, along with the thousands of mercenaries we've hired, to keep the peace and so that these fuckers back here in DC wouldn't say that I'm wimping out or that I failed. Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, John McCain. Shut your whore mouth, or you'll see the backside of my pimp hand. It's sad but true that the filthy game of politics infected this sore. The RNC probably already has an ad online about what a pussy I am, even if we are leaving an embassy and 15,000 Americans, including a couple of hundred soldiers.

"Some of you may be wondering why we're not declaring 'Victory' today. That's because there hasn't been victory. There was never gonna be a victory because there was never a real goal. There has only been shame brought upon the nation and death and destruction brought to the Iraqis. Oh, and purple ink for voting. There was that. When he started the war, President Bush said, clearly, 'Our nation enters this conflict reluctantly, yet our purpose is sure. The people of the United States and our friends and allies will not live at the mercy of an outlaw regime that threatens the peace with weapons of mass murder.' That was a miserable lie made by a motherfucker who was trying to act tough. This war was the indulgence of a United States that the previous administration wrecked.

"So I apologize for this war. Yes, I have blood on my hands from my own violence against the world. But not this anymore. We're exiting Iraq because we never should have been there in the first place. I apologize for this war that was forced on you by George W. Bush and his advisers. The only proper punishment would be to have them all on stage here, all of 'em, Bush, Cheney, Condi, Colin Powell, Rumsfeld, Doug Feith, everyone who ever lied to you about WMDs and Saddam Hussein's connection to 9/11, everyone who worked to frighten the American public into a savage froth, each and every one of these cunts, Tony Blair, all the leaders in the coerced coalition of the willing, all of the war profiteers who made millions of dollars.

"And then we'd make them drop their pants. And we'd let all of you line up to fuck them in the ass. The women soldiers can use strap-ons or their fists. That's right: fuck them until they collapse. Fuck them until they can't breathe. Fuck the mechanical heart right out of Cheney's despicable mouth. Fuck them for everyone who died, for everyone who's fucked up, for everyone who can't sleep without having nightmares. Fuck them for the Jessica Lynch lie and for Pat Tillman. Fuck them with a spider hole and Saddam's statue and a 'Mission Accomplished' banner and yellow cake uranium. Fuck them with IEDs and Abu Ghraib leashes. Fuck them for Halliburton and Blackwater. Fuck them in Fallujah and Mosul and Baghdad. Fuck them with shock. Fuck them with awe. And when they're done being fucked and their asses are ripped up and they're on the ground, contemplating what just happened to them, we'll dump vats of blood on them, the blood of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis who were killed because of the madness inflicted on two nations, on the world. And then we'll give 'em to the Hague.

"That's what we should do. But we won't. Because that'd be divisive. And Lord knows I wouldn't want to be divisive."