Fuckin' Balloon Boy, Motherfuckers:
Man, all the Rude Pundit wants to hear about is Balloon Boy. He wants Balloon Boy confessing or vomiting on an endless loop, an entire fucking network devoted to every fucked second in Balloon Boy's next few weeks. Nothing but motherfucking Balloon Boy. He wants to see footage from other shows that demonstrate what a little shithead or innocent victim of mean ol' parents Balloon Boy might be now that we know he's not Dead-on-the-Ground Boy. He wants body language analysts, legal experts, balloonists (is that the right fucking word?), all talking about Balloon Boy because what we learned the last few days is that nothing is more important than Balloon Boy.
He wants to know every fucking delicious tidbit about Balloon Boy's Fucked-Up Dad. Yeah, it's all of our business that Balloon Boy's Fucked-Up Dad is so fucked-up, to discover every YouTube video of him saying and doing stupid, fucked-up things in his desperate cry for attention, of his desire for a reality show called something like We Love Heene. Shit, yeah. Let's talk about the charges that might maybe be filed against him, let's get child abuse experts to tell us how putting a Balloon Boy in a box in the attic is so wrong when we all know that Balloon Boys should be soaring far above us all in their mighty silver balloons. (Although even the Rude Pundit's gotta admit: it's just brilliantly hilarious that Balloon Boy's Fucked-Up Dad might end up getting publicity for the greatest loony conspiracy theory out there, that the world is controlled by Reptilians, who are lizard-like aliens from the constellation Draco. No, really, people believe this shit, including, apparently, BBFUD.)
And now that they spent days on the tale of Balloon Boy and his distinct lack of riding in a balloon, the Rude Pundit wants the media to self-analyze whether or not they gave too much coverage to Balloon Boy. It's so worthwhile when they do that. Yes, he loves hearing Howie Kurtz ask mournfully, "[S]houldn't we be embarrassed that we've been sucked into this vortex?" not five minutes after saying, "I certainly don't think it was overplayed." Man, he can't wait for more of CNN patting itself on the back for getting Balloon Boy to confess to Wolf Blitzer. He can't wait for the rest of the media to be outraged at BBFUD for lying to them. How dare he? How dare the cops pretend not to be on to something? Who do they take the great and mighty media for? Ratings whores who go down on spectacle like it's a rich man's cock?
The Rude Pundit is anxiously looking forward to all the opinion pieces and acts of bloggery about what the saga of Balloon Boy and his fucked-up family tells us about this degraded society, where people with no discernible reason to be alive have television series about them. Oh, how they'll mourn how far we've fallen and how Balloon Boy's Fucked-Up Father and Fucked-Up Mother are just the natural endgame of our obsessive glory-seeking. Goddamn, how they'll mention Jon and Kate. It'll be awesome. After that, here come the Balloon-Boy-as-metaphor pieces. Writing about Obama's foreign policy? Health care debate? Fuckin' A, those can all have Balloon Boy images in 'em.
Hell, yeah. Balloon Boy, motherfuckers, is our new measure of a nation. And when we're done with Balloon Boy, let's get back to the real news, like who dicked over Rush Limbaugh's dreams of co-owning a shitty football team and why you shouldn't get the flu shot (mostly because it'll leave more for the rest of us).
And when you get a chance, watch Balloon Boy's boyless balloon floating around the Colorado sky. Turn off the sound and put on some French accordion music. You'll have the perfect sequel to The Red Balloon.
