Live Vodka-Blogging the President's New Conference:
Oh, sure, the Rude Pundit was all ready to wax profanely on the fucktardery in the Senate yesterday, but then President Bush had to go and call a press conference to discuss health care, which is a little like John Wayne Gacy giving a seminar on proper party clown technique. So, the vodka came out of the freezer, the special morning bottle from the Ukraine, and the CNN was turned on just in time.

10:45 a.m.: Bush walks in. Looks like he just took a bloody shit.

10:46: He's talking about SCHIP funding to provide health insurance to lower income kids, says that Congress needs to work with him to pass his proposed $5 billion raise in SCHIP, but that fuckin' Congress wants to come up with its own plan. Don't they get it? Bipartisanship is a one way street, motherfuckers.

10:48: Not to be a dick about money here, but $83,000 a year for that mythical family of four ain't that much up here in the great Northeast. You may be able to live like a pig in slops in towns like West Anal Rape, Texas, but not so much here.

10:48: He slams Democrats for "encouraging people to drop private coverage in favor of government plans." One presumes that's supposed to be scary.

10:49: Irony must be on holiday at the White House for Bush attacks Democrats for wanting to score "political points" on the SCHIP funding while trying to score political points by making his attack.

10:50: He says that the "fundamentals of our nation's economy are strong", but there's "Unsettling times in the housing market." That's like saying that the sudden appearance of a scab on your cock is "a bit disconcerting."

10:52: What-the-fuck moment #1: "I got a B in Econ 101; I got an A in keeping taxes low." What the fuck? In his Econ 101 class, the Rude Pundit learned that sometimes ya gotta raise taxes for the good of the economy. But, then, he got an A.

10:54: On Iran - goddamn, we've lowered the bar on why we're kinda, sorta thinking of going to war. Bush says that we're not gonna allow someone to have the means to make a bomb. Not a bomb. Just the means to make one. What-the-fuck moment #2: "We're worried that the Iranians can't realize their dreams." What the fuck? How many people in America give a happy monkey fuck about the dreams of Iranians?

10:55: Fuck, the cable just went out. Somehow the static and white noise are comforting.

10:57: It's back. And he's talking about security before reconciliation in Iraq. No, no, the egg comes before the chicken, motherfucker. No egg, no chicken.

10:58: He wants Iraq to pass laws, which is hard to argue with. As is "People are sick and tired of murder and violence." It's apparently Saddam Hussein's fault that there's no unity in Iraq. What-the-fuck moment #3: "Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas." So without a Mandela-like figure, there will be no unity in Iraq? Or, perhaps more to the point, talk to Steve Biko about it.

11:01: Helen Thomas looks good in pink. Helen, call the Rude Pundit. Let's have another nooner at the Omni. It's no good. Helen never calls.

11:02: Bush says he's gonna reach out to the African American community, although the image of his bony white hand reaching out from a white house probably is not going to put many in that community at ease. And then to prove how open he is to reaching out, he ignores black reporter Suzanne Malveaux's follow-up question.

11:04: Somehow a question about the Federal Reserve's half point interest rate cut is twisted into an attack on Congress raising taxes.

11:05: He won't comment about Jena, Louisiana because it's an ongoing trial. Damn, that's a good out.

11:06: Asked about books and comments criticizing him, Bush says his feelings aren't hurt. One would assume one would have to feel in order for said feelings to be hurt. And then he talks about tax cuts again. And then Social Security "reform." Still answering the criticism question.

11:09: Has David Gregory done something different with his hair? David, call the Rude Pundit. He's got the velvet-lined handcuffs ready for you. David, you know, always calls.

11:10: What the fuck is he talking about now? Schwabbing Dubai? What? How the fuck does a question about Dubai parties buying the NASDAQ become about making Iraq "democratic"?

11:11: Boo-yah - first time 9/11 is invoked. "Nineteen kids" flew planes into buildings. Well, at least they're not "folks."

11:13: As a way to make sure kids try really hard in school, he relates how he told Condi that she's the PhD, "I'm the C student, look who's president." Stupid is good.

11:14: He says that Iraq is important to that United States' security because al-Qaeda says if we leave they will take it over. And thus we see that our war policy is set by al-Qaeda.

11:15: Wait, what? He wants to blow extremists? Well, that's a change in policy.

11:16: Huzzah - 9/11 mentioned by name.

11:19: He's asked about the MoveOn.org Petraeus ad. Oh, it's time for the money shot. Jack it, George: "I thought the ad was disgusting...Most Democrats are more afraid of irritating a left wing group than they are" of attacking the military. Look in his eyes - he just spooged all over himself to get to end the conference on that note. He hurries off to wipe himself.

There ya go. More war, no insurance for uninsured lower middle class kids, half a bottle of vodka gone. Ahh, yes, it's morning in America.