Family Research Council: Universal Health Care Makes Jesus Weep:
A couple of years ago, on a lark and for a larf, the Rude Pundit signed up to be part of the Family Research Council's Super Duper Prayer Team. Under a nom de rude, he receives weekly updates from FRC President Tony "People Actually Put Me On TV" Perkins about what bullshit from the secular progressives needs to be goddamned by the prayturbation of we proud SDPT members. The format of each section is this: what the issue is (like, say, no fucking on the TV), what to pray for (that, say, God stops the fucking on the TV), and a reference to some seemingly random Bible verse that can be tortured into seeming relevant (let's say "Proverbs 16:28").

This week, the SDPT is implored twice to pray against any expansion of government health care. We gots to get our knees dirty pleasurin' God 'cause Hillary Clinton released a health plan. Says Perkins, "It's economically overly optimistic, and its $110 billion annual cost estimate relies upon the repeal of the 2001 Bush tax cuts." And if Jesus stands for anything, it's making sure that Richard Mellon Scaife can keep giving his precious dog bowls of polar bear kibble to eat. Even if that means some assholes who are inconsiderately covetous of their organs have to go without pre-emergency room visits to the doctor.

And how are we supposed to pray against Clinton's plan? Perkins gives us an easy one: "May the American people continue to reject socialistic universal health care plans, just as they did in 1994." Oh, the same thing goes for the renewal of the SCHIP because "[t]he Program provides benefits to children of middle income families and makes coverage for unborn children optional to the states." And the Super Duper Prayer Team, with our mighty clasped hands and supernaturally knit brows, has got to pray that those greedy lower middle class children whose parents lost their health benefits pay full price for the luxury of their asthma medicine.

The money shots of this call to prayer are the Bible verses we're given to provide back-up. Remember, the FRC wants us to live the way they think the Bible says we should. So if the FRC's gonna do things like oppose health care for children or, as Perkins tells us, keep the war going (and expand it to Iran and Syria), as in "May the Lord guide and constrain our President and Congress to do His will in our international and military affairs," it better damn well make sure Jesus has its back.

So, in reference to health care, we're told to look at John 10:10, which says, "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." And the Rude Pundit cometh that he might not have balls of blue, but that's beside the point. The chapter's the story of the Shepherd and the Flock, where Jesus talks about how thieves break in to steal sheep, while the shepherd goes in through the gate. Then, because the Jews listening are too literal to understand him, Jesus says he's the gate, and then he says he's the shepherd, which doesn't really help matters. Either way, though, apparently what this verse means is that Jesus thinks it's better for little children to die in the street than Tony Perkins loses his capital gains tax cut.

It's so easy and fun to speak for Jesus. 'Cause he's not here to say, "Ummm, I don't think I meant any of the shit you're saying I meant." It's like all those grotesque statues of bleeding Jesus on the cross are just puppets where Perkins and James Dobson and Pat Robertson can just shove their hands up their Savior's sore ass to manipulate his mouth, use the conveniently placed nails to move the arms. That's it: bunraku Christ.