Conservative Takedown Friday - Three For One:
Why Rush Limbaugh Ought To Be Force-Fed His Own Liposuctioned Fat, Part 714:
So, sittin' at his computer in his office at the Flatulence in Broadcasting building, Rush Limbaugh was balls deep in a Quizno's Angus Double Steak and Cheese sub (toasted, so it was warm, like a pussy), just fuckin' that sandwich away while watchin' George Bush's speech on all the terror and evil in the world that he's gonna squelch with a wave of his bony lil' fist. Limbaugh always fucks his subs before he eats 'em, always just before he goes on the air. Yes, if he was a svelter man, he'd contort enough to be able to blow himself. Instead he's gotta be content addin' his extra condiment to that sub.

In mid-thrust, his cock covered with sauteed onions, a message popped up on his computer from Daryn, sweet, corrupted Daryn Kagan, who loves to be placed in a bed of a giant seeded bun and covered with Cheese Whiz and mayonnaise before Rush slips and slides on top of her, forcing her to watch Fox "News" while he fucks her from behind. The message, Rush later claimed on the air, read, "This is great. This sounds like you wrote this speech. This sounds like you giving this speech." God, the sudden tightness in his tiny little nutsack Rush felt, as he thought about being up on that dais, explaining how the war on terror is like fuckin' a toasted steak sub. Then he came, shouting, "Rah, rah. That's exactly right." And he e-mailed Kagan back, declaring his love and telling her that she'd better sound objective on the air. Kagan, of course, e-mailed back for him to finish his sandwich - his fans were waiting next to their empty radios in the midst of their empty lives for him to fill the hours.

Why Ann Coulter Is a Cunt, Part 1540:
Because in her latest column (if by "column," you mean "shredded used toilet paper besmeared with shit stains that are to be read like tea leaves or a right wing Rohrschach test") she attacks the fuck out of Harriet Miers and Bush and she's fuckin' lying for her reasons for the smackdown. And, while fun and, as Aravosis says, demonstrates to conservatives that "You created these monsters. You can now deal with them," although that's a bit like saying, "You set off the bomb that awoke Godzilla; now we'll just stand by while you decide how to save Tokyo," it minimizes Coulter's real agenda: to have someone just as monkeyfuck insane as she is on the Supreme Court.

You'll have to go back to her depraved street rantings on the Roberts nomination to see how the problem ain't that, as the oh-so-witty Coulter puts it, "Harriet Miers isn't qualified to play a Supreme Court justice on The West Wing, let alone to be a real one." Coulter can play the she's-not-qualified game, but the real truth came out in her July 21 derangement. Dissing the future Chief Justice as a "Souter in Roberts' Clothing," Coulter fretted endlessly about Roberts' lack of explicit statements on positions that matter to her, and Coulter, who desires to be taken into cigar smoke-filled rooms where fat-bellied rich men can bathe her in the blood of dead Islamic children before they roughly fuck her while all the demi-men of her party are forced to watch and fondle themselves as they imagine themselves worthy enough to place their flaccid cocks near her hungry snatch, chided the Bush administration for not nominating someone who was a roaring Bork: "We also have a majority in the House, state legislatures, state governorships, and have won five of the last seven presidential elections - seven of the last ten! We're the Harlem Globetrotters now - why do we have to play the Washington Generals every week?" 'Cause, see, as for Roberts, "If a smart and accomplished person goes this long without expressing an opinion, they'd better be pursuing the Miss America title."

No, it ain't that Miers ain't qualified that makes Coulter's eyes spin just that much faster and her pulse race visibly through her translucent skin. If Miers had stated that she'll personally chew the heads off doctors who perform abortions, force all married homosexuals to never leave Massachusetts, and tell President Bush that it's his patriotic duty to send dogs in to attack uncharged prisoners, it wouldn't have mattered if Miers went to the DeVry School of Lawyerin' and was the lottery babe who sucks the balls out of the machine every night.

Then it would have been un-American to not let Bush have his choice.

William Bennett: The Easiest Takedown in History:
Takedown #1: William Bennett, speaking, he claimed, theoretically, says, "[I]f you wanted to reduce crime, you could -- if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down. That would be an impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down." Aah, yes, Perfesser, and, theoretically, if you aborted every white fetus, crime would go down, as well as if you aborted every Asian or Hispanic fetus, 'cause, you know, theoretically, less people means less crime. What's not theoretical is that, without prompting on race - the caller was talkin' 'bout abortion and Social Security- William Bennett decided to make the leap to ridding the nation of the niggers. Defenders have yet to answer why he went so naturally to nigger genocide.

Takedown #2: Explaining his remarks on Hannity Rapes Colmes, Bennett said, in so many words, "I love the niggers, my wife loves the niggers, and she has done more for inner city nigger girls than all the niggers in the Nigger Congressional Caucus." Bennett was perhaps referring more directly to preventing abortion through his wife's abstinence education program. And while showing girls pictures of a nude, leering William J. Bennett may put them off the fucking for the rest of their lives, perhaps a gander at the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation's health services would indicate that the CBC cares more about inner city black girls than just what goes into or comes out of their inner city black girl vaginas.

Or, perhaps, one could just refer to the CBC's website and its emphasis on education and health care. Or maybe one could look at CBC members, like, say, the career of John Conyers, who has led the way in taking Bennett apart, who has worked tirelessly on issues like violence against women and health care, issues which might matter to sexually active teenagers and their parents. Or Diane Watson, who works on issues like youth violence and community development, issues that mean a whole lot more to stopping teenage pregnancy than just tellin' 'em Jesus doesn't want 'em to fuck.

Yeah, there's some gambling metaphor to be made here, but Bennett's addiction is/was the slots, and slots are just the laziest kind of gambling. It's a pussy wager, against a computer, not other people, so perhaps Bennett's just used to a beeping, blinking machine responding to him, not the real world where the opponents can answer you back.