Of Monkey Balls and Blow Jobs:
Listen: Dick Cheney sucks monkey balls in that he takes monkeys, places their balls in his mouth, and sucks and sucks them. If you go to a zoo and see monkeys with no hair on their balls, it’s because Dick Cheney sucked it all off. Here's Cheney, sucking monkey balls in front of an Elko, Nevada crowd that had given stool samples to make sure they didn't eat any Democratic foods, like sushi and quiche: "Senator Kerry has also said that if he were in charge he would fight a 'more sensitive' war on terror. (Laughter.) America has been in too many wars for any of our wishes, but not a one of them was ever won by being 'sensitive.' (Applause.) . . . Those who threaten us and kill innocents around the world do not need to be treated more sensitively. They need to be destroyed. (Applause.)" And then Cheney took out a monkey and said, "Now, watch me suck these balls hairless. Doncha love the way I suck monkey balls?"

Before we deal with the whole "sensitive" issue (which has been dealt with extensively by Atrios, Media Matters, and the Center for American Progress), let us look a bit more closely at the "remarks" page on the White House website, which is paid for by our tax dollars, Republican, Democratic, Nutzoids-for-Jeebus, all of us. First of all, is it necessary to mention every place that the crowd applauded and laughed? And is it necessary to mention the crowd chanting, "Four more years"? More interestingly, according to the Elko Daily Free Press, the rally was scheduled to start at 2:30. According to the White House, Cheney started speaking at 2:31. In his remarks, Cheney mentions that Lynne introduced him. So the chances of Cheney actually starting at that time are minimal. Is this picking nits, like so many monkeys with no hair on their balls? Yeah, it is, but it's also this: the transcript makes it so much more clear that the "applause," "laughter," and chants are part of the script. It's the crowd equivalent of Bush's "Ask President Bush" sessions, as described by Elisabeth "I-Can't-Suck-Enough-Dubya-Cock" Bumiller in the New York Times.

And since we're streaming the consciousness on this Monday, Bumiller describes the questions as not all being "softballs": "There have been a number of times when audience members asked substantive questions, like the woman in Florida with a brother on his way to Iraq who wanted to know if Mr. Bush had a plan for the American mission there." Seriously, and, c'mon, a substantive questions is not "Will you tell us what your campaign platform is?" That's a Miss America pageant question. A substantive question is "Why are Americans dying to prevent the majority population of Iraq from creating the kind of government it wants?" But, then again, Bumiller's "White House Blow Jobs" are amazing for their complete lack of substance beyond Bumiller saying, "Look at what a great blow job I give. Watch me blow the President some more. Notice the care with which I lick the tip of his cock. God, Mr. President, doncha love my cocksucking?"

The questions here are so, so many: Why, for instance, does a transcript of the President's Panama City rally have people "Booo" at the same point in the speech as a crowd in Sioux City? They're not even trying to hide it, that the "Booo" (spelled with three o's in both transcripts) was planned.

Why does the White House website give the script of the speech of every campaign appearance? The implications are that the remarks in front of a rally in Sioux City carry the executive weight of, say, the nomination of Porter Goss to be CIA chief. Kind of a frightening prospect, no?

Maybe that's the point, innit? That with George W. Bush we've reached a point where every decision is the equivalent of a campaign promise, calculated, scripted, focus-grouped, a leader who, on the nation's website, is unafraid to say that there is no agenda, no direction, except re-election.