Iraq - the Good News Edition - Written in George W. Bush's Native Language:
Yee-haa, let's hunt us down some good news on I-raq on a day when, once again, we're reminded that the whole mission has been as successful as a hamster tryin' to swaller a bear. Now, we know that if we're trawlin' around fer good news 'bout I-raq and the I-raqis, we can't rely on that lib-rul media.

So let's go straight to Fox News. Bill O'Reilly's always tellin' us that all we hear from the rest of the "elite" media is "Abu Gurob." Aww, shee-it, right there on the front page is nothin' but bad news, just a big ol' buncha car bommins and people dyin'. Maybe that's how they have to pander. Let's just take us a look a little deeper on the website. Why, here's an article about all the brave contractors who wanna head over to the Middle East to make themselves a little hard-earned scratch. Guess it's better to risk your head for the same work that if you did in the U.S.A., you'd earn less than half of what you get fer doin' it in I-raq. Otherwise, though, nope, nothin', no good I-raq news. It's as depressin' as fuckin' yer favorite sow and she don't seem to enjoy it no more.

The news page on the Department of Defense oughta be a treasure trove of soldiers givin' out candy to little children. Here we go when we open the magic box: Regis Philbin comfortin' the wounded, lots more ways in which I-raqis'll be runnin' I-raq, even with over 100,000 foreign soldiers patrollin' that the government has no control over, but, shee-it, I-raqi instructors are gonna teach I-raqi armed forces now, and a report on how a leader of the Kurds says everythin' is really, really goin' good, really, like "These soldiers are helping renovate schools and so on, and very, very little of that is reported." Yep, buildin' schools is what Uhmerka is all about. Buildin' schools is like the blood drives all those fine UT fraternities do between keggers. And the new prez-dent of I-raq says that the U.S. found a weapon of mass destruction, Saddam hisself. "He was a weapon of mass destruction by himself," said Ghazi al-Yawer (it's a mouthful, Lord knows). Al-Yawer is madder than an Aggie fan after losin' the Cotton Bowl to Notre Dame (if such a thin' could happen) about the way the media reports on I-raq: "New Iraqi President Ghazi al-Yawer explained his belief that 90 percent of what's happening in Iraq is good news, and 10 percent in bad. 'The media is magnifying the 10 percent, ignoring the 90 percent,' Yawer said. He said the scandal surrounding detainee abuses at Baghdad's Abu Ghraib prison is a perfect example. The issue is clearer to people like him who have lived in the United States and understand American values, he said. 'I know this is outrageous to the American public (and) to the American administration as much as it is outrageous to the Iraqis,' Yawer said. But, he added, regular Iraqis 'have been breastfed hatred to the United States and Great Britain for 45 years.'"

Yessirreeebob, good news, all around, even as the bombs go off, even as the U.S. destroys homes with all the precision of an elephant stompin' a grape. 'Cause, ya see, all we hear about is Laci Peterson, but how many pregnant women weren't murdered that day? How many hotel employees weren't allegedly raped by sports stars? How many children didn't Michael Jackson allegedly molest? It's all about perspective, you know.