Why Michelle Malkin Ought To Be Caged Like a Rabid Shitzu:
For conservatives, for anyone who still lingers in support of the war (people who are not unlike those who choose to stay behind for a monster hurricane ostensibly to protect their property and then we're all supposed to feel bad when their drowned asses are found impaled on the jib boom of a sailboat that crashed into their homes), yesterday has to be rendered meaningless. For if they place any significance on the number 2000, they will have to acknowlege that corpses have meaning, and if you stack 2000 of them up, it still does not equal the height of the pile of bullshit that took us into the war. When the press hack for the Iraq operation, Lt. Col. Steve Boylan, says that 2000 is "an artificial mark on the wall," you know they're shit-scared of that number being ingrained in the public. At least until 2100, 2200, 23...

Of course, one of the most war-lovin' whores out there is Michelle Malkin, whose latest "column" (if by "column," you mean "mad spittle-ridden spewings of a self-loathing rightwing spooge bucket") is another vicious attack on the anti-war movement because it "couldn't wait for the death of the 2,000th soldier." She regurgitates Boylan's talking points, that the media shouldn't focus on the deaths so much as they should focus on "the momentous events of Iraqis voting, training for the police and security forces, and joining the new government." 'Cause, you know, the press hasn't covered the Iraqi elections at all.

Malkin, in her blog, had previously joined in attacking the Quakers (the fuckin' Quakers, fer chrissake) for planning a protest around the milestone of the 2000th dead soldier. She called it a "party" being planned by leftists. Now she calls Cindy Sheehan's plans for protest "her macabre lust for the spotlight in preparation for the artificially constructed, media-hyped occasion." Then she conflates the grieving, protesting mothers, the families of soldiers, the soldiers who have returned, the everyday citizens who don't like their government being hijacked by madmen, all the mainstream people who oppose the war, and even Pat Buchanan, with people "[w]ho believe the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center, Pentagon, and at Shanksville, Pa., were a Bush conspiracy with Israel and/or Saudi Arabia." That's like saying that, say, contemporary Asians who write conservative columns are the same as buck-toothed Japanese stereotypes straight out of a World War II Warner Brothers cartoon.

In her most bizarro comparison, Malkin says these are the same people "[w]ho believe Saddam Hussein should be freed and Guantanamo Bay emptied." The Rude Pundit's not sure who Malkin's been watchin', but who wants Saddam freed? And how is Saddam's imprisonment comparable to torture at Gitmo?

Malkin condemns those who see the number 2000 as having some significance: "Why 2,000? Was the 2nd or 555th or 1,678th death not as worth mourning as any other death with nice round numbers?" The Rude Pundit's not sure if Malkin remembers when the right went nutzoid when Ted Koppel decided to mourn the 2nd and 555th deaths by reading the names on the air. The Rude Pundit's not sure if Malkin remembers that the Bush administration prevented photos being taken of caskets and funerals. The Left has not tried to erase the meaning of each and every death. (And let's not even get into the fucked-up discussion of the meaning of round numbers in general: it's why, say, the centennial of something is seen as more important than its 86th year of existence.)

Michelle Malkin is so pro-war that she keeps vibrators shaped like SA80s, specially made so that when she pulls the trigger, she gets an automatic-weapon sized burst of vibrating speed. God, as she sits there, in her internment cell she keeps in her apartment to remind her what she thinks she's worth to the American government, watching Fox "News," thinking about Oliver North fucking her with the same force, thinking about the tens of thousands of brave soldiers still alive, and, holy fuck, as she bursts into coming, sweet, sweet Iraqi freedom.

As we have surpassed 2000 dead, Malkin and other war supporters are craven, desperate souls. Because we're on the fast track to 3000. Or, more precisely, 2987, the point at which we will have given more lives in Iraq than died on 9/11, the one connection to 9/11 that Iraq war supporters don't want made. Now, there's some fuckin' numbers for you.

Why Michelle Malkin Ought to Be Caged Like a Rabid Shih-Tzu (Rank Hypocrisy Edition):
So let's just get this straight: back in 2006, Michelle Malkin, blogger, syndicated columnist, and an attention whore with appetites so huge that, if she were a sex-selling whore (and the Rude Pundit has no direct knowledge that she is not), she'd be in front of an audience of cheering old drunks, giving handjobs to hobos while getting fucked in the ass by the bartender's pit bull, which is pretty much what happens when you appear on Fox "news," posts to her blog the names, phone numbers, and email addresses of three UC Santa Cruz students who led a protest against military recruiters on their campus. When the students get pounded by threats of violence, Malkin washes her hands of it, saying that it's up to individuals how they respond to the information she has made public.

And in 2007, Michelle Malkin, who, if she were a sex-selling whore (and, while the Rude Pundit cannot confirm anything, he's pretty sure she's swapping blow jobs for appearances on Glenn Beck's nightly crazoidfest), she'd be the type of hooker who tells you all the crazy shit she could do to your dick if she hadn't sprained her back, but if you double the price, she'll work through the pain, stalked the family of a twelve year-old boy who almost died in a car wreck. even going to their home. Her point? That they owned things and thus didn't need SCHIP.

So this is the Michelle Malkin we're talking about. She's the same one who in her latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "the sound of a bag of drowning cats") is outraged, nay, megaoutraged at the idea that people would be angry enough to threaten violence or suggest punishments for AIG executives. Scrawls Malkin, "[T]he radical ACORN mob and its corporate shakedown allies chartered a bus — with twice as many outrage-stoking MSM photographers in tow — to menace AIG executives in their homes." Imagine. Going to harass people you think are evil at their homes. Malkin also cites "the families who received [death] threats through AIG’s website." It must give her the vapors.

The point here is not about AIG's employees or mob rule. The point is that if you yourself have whipped the mob into a frenzy and been lead torch carrier when it suits your purposes, then you've probably lost the moral high ground on the issue. Or maybe it's just that if you're a whore with three cocks in various orifices, you really can't preach abstinence.

Why Michelle Malkin Needs to Be Caged Like a Rabid Shih-Tzu With a Note on the Continuing Need to Sodomize Bill O'Reilly with a Microphone (Michelle Obama Edition)-Now with O'Reilly-licious Update:
So Michelle Obama said, in full, "What we have learned over this year is that hope is making a comeback. It is making a comeback. And let me tell you something—for the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country. And not just because Barack has done well, but because I think people are hungry for change. And I have been desperate to see our country moving in that direction and just not feeling so alone in my frustration and disappointment. I've seen people who are hungry to be unified around some basic common issues, and it's made me proud."

And Michelle Malkin, in her latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "a stench-ridden concoction of bile and piss madly whipped into a rabid beast's mouth froth"), responded by asking when Michelle Obama might feel proud, "How about every Memorial Day? Every Veterans Day? Every Independence Day? Every Medal of Honor ceremony?" The typical knee-jerk bullshit that's to be expected from a right-wing fuck doll who regularly asks Uncle Sam if she's fellating him good enough, hard enough, oh, Sammy, does Malkin lick your balls like you want her to? Most every American who hasn't partaken of the nationalist chowder that Malkin and her ilkin suck down every day shrugs their shoulders at those events and wonders if Wal-Mart's open (don't fuckin' worry - it is).

Malkin goes on, and, really, this needs to be quoted at length to fully understand the rank stupidity of the right: "When millions of Americans rallied to help victims of the 2004 tsunami in Southeast Asia -- including members of the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln Carrier Strike Group that sped from Hong Kong to assist survivors -- my heart filled with pride. It did again when the citizens of Houston opened their arms to Hurricane Katrina victims and folks across the country rushed to their churches, and Salvation Army and Red Cross offices to volunteer." That's right: Malkin's heart swelled because some people didn't behave like dicks during Hurricane Katrina.

Seeing a chance to build a wooden barricade on the tracks of the Obama locomotive, Bill O'Reilly jumped in with his usual demands, like he's always holding America hostage. He asks of Michelle Obama, "Why is an explanation needed, you might ask? Well, because most Americans are proud of their country and don't like it see it run down in any way." Which, of course, begs the question: what fuckin' country has O'Reilly been living in the last few years? Goddamn, ask people something more than "Are you proud of America?" and see how they answer. Given a choice between loving and hating their country, citizens aren't really that nuanced. But for O'Reilly, gray areas are to be avoided like a drag queen avoids five o'clock shadow.

It was a dumb fucking thing for Michelle Obama to say, to give such an opening to people like Malkin and O'Reilly (not to mention Bulldog McCain and his frightening she-beast wife - oh, hey, here's a possible McCain slogan: "John McCain: He's Only 10 in Dog Years"). Of course she was referring to being proud of the movement her husband's spark, but in an incredibly badly-worded way.

But, at the end of the day, is it not possible for a black woman in America to feel real pride in her nation only in finally seeing how the nation is embracing a black man for something other than his mad b-ball skills? And is that so shocking?

Update: Really, Bill O'Reilly? Well, at least he didn't say it was time to castrate Barack.

Why Michelle Malkin Needs To Be Caged Like a Rabid Shih-Tzu (Protest Edition):
Some of the conservative reaction to the protests over immigration "reform" have reminded the Rude Pundit of the time his friend Jason saw his first real pussy. It was around junior year of high school, and by then the Rude Pundit had seen a pussy or two, including one blessed by the tender charms of a twenty year-old female friend, who graciously allowed the Rude Pundit to explore and discover that, indeed, there were mysteries within the labial folds and swollen clitoris, but the Rude Pundit was Encyclopedia Brown, the Hardy Boys, and Sherlock Fuckin' Holmes wrapped up in one hormonal package, and thus he probed and traversed the delicate vaginal landscape until he could map it out. Or at least have a general idea of where things were. It has benefited the Rude Pundit in ways immense and small.

But Jason didn't have such an education. And when he went over to his girlfriend's house one night when the parents' were away, she pulled off her Guess jeans and panties and spread her legs to reveal all. Apparently, Jason freaked. See, it's one thing to jack off to porn and imagine what you'd do if given the chance to experience a real pussy. It's one thing to stick your fingers into unzipped pants and feel around. It's another thing altogether to be dropped off in a foreign country with no guide and no language to speak. When Jason tried to explain to the Rude Pundit that he was turned on and then embarassed and confused and then hurt by his inability to comprehend the pussy, the Rude Pundit said, "Sorry, Jason, but that's what a pussy looks like. It's a beautiful thing, it says something about the woman around it, and if you can't deal with it, well, shit, there's always cock." Probably the Rude Pundit wasn't as smooth as that, but the general idea is pretty accurate.

Michelle Malkin has been even more rabid, monkeyfuck insane than usual over the immigration bill protests. Bless her comically exaggerated facial features, she was all awake at 1:15 this morning, tapping her fingers bloody to reveal to all of us the outrages of the protests, including - holy fuck - the placement of a United States flag upside down under a Mexican flag. This was done by high school students, those models of subtlety, in California. Evacuates Malkin, "You will not see this heart-stopping photo on the front page of the NY Times or on the lead story of the major news networks." That's right - upside down American flag second on a pole - heart-stopping. Japanese Americans put into concentration camps for being Japanese - a-ok. Such is the morality of Malkin, for whom symbols are more important than people.

Malkin expands on her blog's bugfuckery in her column this week (if by "column," you mean, "flatulent banshee screeches sledgehammered into your head"), where she calls the protests "militant racism" from a "protected minority group." See, for Malkin, it's racism if Hispanics call out whites for hypocrisy, and they're "protected" so she can't write something like "Paco Taco and Senorita Chiquita Banana hate whitey and threaten to sleep under their sombreros on our porches if we don't let them fuck our children with chalupas" without sounding, you know, racist. Good thing Mexican immigrants are so goddamn protected - otherwise, white employers might exploit them.

But it's the protest themselves that have Malkin's Hello Kitty panties in a wad (see? That's a vaguely racist reference because Malkin ain't "protected," right?). Malkin belches, "One of the largest, boldest banners visible from aerial shots of the rally read: 'THIS IS STOLEN LAND.' Others blared: 'CHICANO POWER' and 'BROWN IS BEAUTIFUL.' (Can you imagine the uproar if someone had come to the rally holding up a sign reading 'WHITE IS BEAUTIFUL'?) Thugs with masked faces flashed gang signs on the steps of L.A.'s City Hall. Students walked out of classrooms all across Southern California chanting, 'Latinos, stand up!' Young people raised their fists in defiance, clothed in T-shirts bearing radical leftist guerrilla Che Guevara's face and Aztlan emblems." God, one a.m. must be a sad little time around Casa de Malkin.

Rush Limbaugh, Cal Thomas, and other jowly right wingers are besides themselves that Hispanics would dare protest, would dare raise up the Mexican flag (although one would bet that they have no problem with the flags raised on St. Patrick's Day or Columbus Day), would dare actually cry out en masse against the government.

And this is how we get back to Jason and the pussy. 'Cause for the most part, in the last couple of decades, protests in this nation have been long-planned events, not spontaneous outpourings of outrage (even if the Hispanic media was involved in getting out the message this time). But this is what real protest looks like - not like riots, not like well-conceived marches. It's messy, it's angry, it's sometimes over the top, it's sometimes offensive. Maybe it's the fact that many of the protesters come from countries with a more contemporary tradition of mass action that the demonstrations have mattered and been more energized.

Let the bottom feeders like Malkin get pissed off and confused and hurt by the protests. Let us go about embracing them, embracing the effectiveness of the form, and asking what it says about the nation surrounding them to figure out how to harness their energy and tactics for future action.

Conservatives Want You to Stop Attacking Their Women:
You know, it's adorable whenever conservatives claim sexism and racism when angry liberals respond to right-wingers who advocate actual sexist and racist policies. Because no matter how much name-calling a hacked-off Keith Olbermann might engage in, it's a piss drop in a bucket filled with the diarrhea of misogyny shot out of the mouths of conservatives.

So Michelle Malkin mentions an article from the right-wing "watchdog," the Culture and Media Institute (motto: "No, I've never heard of the Culture and Media Institute either"), which celebrates Women's History Month by listing "The Ten Most Disgusting Attacks on Conservative Women."

Strangely, most of the attacks are against Michelle Malkin, including a Playboy article where she is listed as hate-fuckable, a Matt Taibbi blog post that envisions her with balls in her mouth for supporting tea baggers, a Bonnie Erbe blog post that scolds the Playboy article with the exception of Malkin's inclusion, Olbermann's description of Malkin as "a big mashed-up bag of meat with lipstick on it," and a tweet from Antonia Zerbisias of the Toronto Star implying that Dick Cheney should shoot Malkin. If you're keeping track, it's pretty much a list of how much people hate Michelle Malkin, although Sarah Palin and others are mentioned. The article calls to task media figures who have referred to Liz Cheney as "Daddy's girl" and the like, as well as those who call Palin "Barbie." Sexist? Sure. Disgusting? Not so much. And, as mentioned, it includes blogs and tweets, which means that, at best, a few thousand people read most of them, and insults from comedians, which is a strange road to go down. (Comments about Ann Coulter are absent in this list of attacks on women. Make your own conclusions.)

Truly, this is amateur hour when it comes to digging up misogyny. Other than Olbermann, there's not a single person of any real influence at all there. And if calling Dick Cheney's daughter a "little girl" is the best you can do to try to discredit the left, then you've failed. For no one gets all misogynistic like right wingers who are pissed that women have any power. Shit, you could come up with a top ten of just Rush Limbaugh shooting air out of his blowhole. You could come up with a disgusting list based on mainstream media people talking about Nancy Pelosi; fuck, you could put together encyclopedias of examples of hating on Hillary Clinton.

Here's just a few, and it's not from blog posts or tweets, but from assholes who are revered and respected by conservatives and who spout their hatred to hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of people at once, all from 2009:

Rush Limbaugh: If Nancy Pelosi "wants fewer births, I have the way to do this and it won't require any contraception: You simply put pictures of Nancy Pelosi ... in every cheap motel room. ... That will keep birthrates down because that picture will keep a lot of things down." This is not to mention the repeated mentions of Pelosi as a "ditz" and alleging that she has had botox injections.

Limbaugh: Hillary Clinton wasn't let into Marines because "they didn't have uniforms or boots big enough to fit that butt and those ankles."

G. Gordon Liddy on Sonia Sotomayor: "Let’s hope that the key conferences aren’t when she’s menstruating or something, or just before she’s going to menstruate."

Glenn Beck in a mock conversation with Nancy Pelosi: "By the way, I put poison in your" wine. (Beck has a creepy thing about drugging people. He had previously suggested that Dennis Kucinich must have roofied Elizabeth in order to have sex with her.)

Remember: this is the mainstream shit. From people that are seen as legitimate political commentators. This doesn't even touch on blogs or Twitter feeds or Ann Coulter. It's absurd to even dare to compare attacks on right-wing women to the attacks on those from the left or, really, center. Sure, we're a bit more creative, but, in terms of sheer, sustained, vicious misogyny? It's like comparing a rat fart to a tornado.

(Note regarding the news of the day: The Rude Pundit wants to wait until Obama actually caves on military tribunals before he writes about Obama caving on military tribunals.)

Why Michelle Malkin Ought to Be Caged Like a Rabid Shihtzu (Stalker Edition):
So, like the readers of every blog under the friggin' sun know by now, the hilarity goes something like this: President Bush gives his Saturday radio address sayin' that no goddamn middle class children are gonna get government health care on his watch; the Democrats, finally realizing that subtlety doesn't work in Idiot America, give their response through twelve year-old Graeme Frost, a Baltimore kid who was nearly killed in a car accident, whose sister is permanently brain-damaged by the accident, whose family doesn't have health insurance, and whose life was saved because of SCHIP; the Baltimore Sun story about Graeme and his family sets off a mad scramble in Right Blogsylvania over who can debunk what is essentially a puff piece on the Frosts; and, sweet ejaculatory glee, they think they've found shit on the Frosts, who, in the mind of the right, are "selfish yuppies" because they didn't have health insurance despite being middle class. Now, who exactly are the abusive bastards here?

Michelle Malkin is raking her fingernails across her clit to keep herself wet and throbbing at the thought that discrediting a kid who "was in a coma for a week and still requires physical therapy" might discredit the whole SCHIP push. Pushing that fleshy button like it's controlling nukes pointed at Iran, Malkin squirted like a love juice fountain at the thought of taking down these vile fuckers, these Frosts, who would dare put their children in the political spotlight. Scrawls Malkin in full tilt orgasm, "The Frosts pushed their children into the political arena. They were joined by other parents who loaned their tots to the leftist cause for a full-press on CHIP."

See, Malkin went above and beyond the lazy ass Google and Nexis searches of other right wing crazies. Oh, yeah, she got in her car and drove around to look for evidence that the Frosts were scheming rich people. Unironically, Malkin justifies all this probing with "Asking questions and subjecting political anecdotes to scrutiny are what journalists should be doing." Even if subjecting policy, not anecdotes, to scrutiny is what journalists should be doing.

Visiting Halsey Frost's commercial property, she met Mike Reilly a "tenant" at the building, and she cornered the poor welder and pumped him for his opinions on matters Frost and non-Frost-related: "Reilly was an outspoken advocate for socialized health care without any means-testing whatsoever and an insistent critic of the Iraq war." That must totally discredit Reilly's portrayal of Frost as "struggling."

Not content to go to the place of business, Malkin stalked the Frosts: "I also passed by the Frosts’ rowhouse. There was an '01 - 20 -09' bumper sticker plastered on the door and a newer model GMC Suburban parked directly in front of the house." Oh, the conundrum - they can't wait for Bush to be out of office, but they buy American. Goddamnit, why can't traitors be traitors through and through.

The right keeps justifying their pillorying of the Frosts with the bullshit argument that they "chose" to go without health insurance when Bonnie Frost's job didn't offer it and Halsey Frost was self-employed and they made $45,000 for a family of four. Median income for a family of four in Maryland? $89,608. Income to qualify for at least some form of Maryland's Children's Health Program? $61,950. Well below the median. And the Frosts' income? Well below Maryland's threshold. Sorry, gang. This ain't another welfare queen myth.

Yeah, the Frosts made a choice: they walked into a casino with their income and took a gamble like so many others that they couldn't afford health insurance. And to the right, they lost the bet and so, well, fuck 'em, they should have done without something else. To the left, the issue is why there's a casino there in the first place.

But the whole thing is total bullshit. It's a distraction that the right is attempting again, just like the MoveOn.org ad stupidity. Talk about the Frosts and you can avoid the issue of uninsured children. Talk about "Petraeus/Betray Us" and you don't have to address a general baldfaced lying to Congress. For Malkin and her ilkin, there's only attack, not rational discussion. Everything has to be reduced to its pornographic essence, fit only for easy consumption and the throes of self-passion and masturbatory yawps of her readership, jacking it hard at Malkin going out and kicking the ass of a twelve year-old.

Why Michelle Malkin Ought To Be Caged Like a Rabid Shih-Tzu (Buddies Edition):
In her increasingly desperate attempt to make herself into some kind of media darling, hideously deformed, incessantly snarling she-beast Michelle Malkin has been making shitty little videos with crappy commentary and putrescent You Tube-level production values for Hot Air. Now, she's invited "friends" over to participate in a take on ABC's celebration of crazed caffeinated bitchery, The View. Malkin calls it The Vent (at least on her website), and, see, her oh-look-we're-so-goddamn-clever take on it is to reverse what she sees as the political dynamic of The View and have three conservatives and a liberal. The conservatives would be Malkin, blogstress of doom Mary Katherine Ham, and creepy LaShawn Barber. The liberal would be hottie-McHottie Kirsten Powers (who actually writes smart stuff for The American Prospect and does qualify for the name "liberal" despite her presence on Fox "News").

The setting is a living room that looks straight out of the porn film set catalog, with a big vinyl couch that can be easily wiped clean. And, indeed, with all the sexual tension between Malkin, who sits there with that "I hate myself and I've been violated" body language," and Powers, it might have been time to break out the spray bottle and disinfect that furniture. Malkin is the mistress of ceremonies, with her lips so chapped as if she's sucked so much white conservative cock that she owns stock in Chapstick.

And, oh, boy, oh, boy, how they get it going with the Mark Foley scandal. Barber talks about how she's a conservative who wants Hastert to resign, Ham talks about how she doesn't think it's a big deal, Powers asks a stupid question and gets a stupid answer, and Malkin rolls her cartoonish eyes at the whole affair. Well, fuck, at least she got the political depth of The View right.

Then the women have loads of fun talking about those crazy fans who edit videos of them for You Tube or send them lots of e-mail. Race traitor LaShawn Barber complains that people call her a race traitor. Ham, who looks like she's leading the "Most Likely To Use This Set For Porn" voting, giggles about how some have set her to music. Malkin says something and who the fuck cares. Powers, who has barely spoken all seven minutes, says she gets e-mail that calls her hot, which is odd, considering that she's hot.

In the ultimate demonstration of female empowerment, they all end the show by agreeing that it'd be fun to go to the gun range together for an episode. Ah, yes, isn't it nice that what these (mostly) conservative women really want is a penis substitute they can grab onto.

A pointless exercise in pointless glory-seeking that'll be sadly entertaining to very sad people.

In Brief: Why Michelle Malkin Ought To Be Caged Like a Rabid Shih-Tzu (Pandagon Edition):
Let us say, and why not, that you are Michelle Malkin (unless you really are Michelle Malkin, in which case the Rude Pundit says, "No, Michelle, not in your wildest vibrator-shaken dreams") and that you have a weekly "column" in which you entertain thousands upon thousands of your "readers" with your insanely entertaining "opinions" about "events" in the world, even some of your own creation. You have a blog on which you regularly insinuate or outright say that people are traitors or terrorists or both. You appear weekly on Bill O'Reilly's lunatic asylum to fling your shit at the camera with the other nutzoids. You even do a shitty vlog on Hot Air, which is essentially you reading your blog for the more-illiterate Malkin fan, or the ones that just like lookin' at yer boobies while they get their hate on, kind of like those pictures of chicks in bikinis holding AKs.

In other words, you have an audience, a big one. You can say all kinds of things and your minions will listen and expand and try to prove you right even when you are explicitly wrong. And what do you decide to waste your time doing?

You try to discredit the presidential campaign of John Edwards by attacking and quoting dirty things that his blogger said on her non-Edwards blog, Pandagon. You go after Amanda Marcotte like she's any kind of issue at all, except in that you and your slavering hordes of demi-bloggers have made it one.

Is that what we've actually sunk to here? Or is that all you got?

The question isn't how much profanity Amanda Marcotte has used (and you might want to read one or two of her many, many "fuck" free posts). It's why, when dealing with the rank idiocy of the self-fellating chode drinkers and crazed harridans on the right, she didn't use more.

(Full disclosure: the Rude Pundit has never met Amanda Marcotte, but has a huge writer crush on her.)

Why Michelle Malkin Ought to Be Caged Like a Rabid Shih-Tzu (Corrections Edition):
Let us say, and why not, that you are friends with a married guy. Call him "Elroy." And let us say that someone in your office, call him "Jamie," tells you that Elroy's wife is fucking around on Elroy. Jamie's actually seen Elroy's wife (and, what the hell, let's give her a name - "Connie") actually blowing some other man in the front seat of her car in the parking garage at his apartment building. Jamie's detailed: he can give you descriptions of the man, of Connie, of how Connie moaned while taking long draws on said cock. Now, let's say you're really close friends with Elroy. So close that you call him on the phone, tell him you wanna meet for lunch; the next day, at some place you know Connie won't go, you drop the bomb on him: Connie's playing mouth music with the skin flute of some other guy.

Now, of course, Elroy's not stupid. He's gonna ask you what evidence you have, although, truth be told, things haven't been great for Connie and Elroy lately. In fact, they haven't really been fucking like they used to. And oral action? Forget about it. You tell Elroy about Jamie, and Elroy says he wants to talk to Jamie himself. He accuses you of listening to a liar. He says it can't possibly be true. Fuck it, you say, call Jamie. Problem is, timing being shit, Jamie's gone on vacation. This sets Elroy off. He says you want to undermine his marriage. He tells you that you've always hated Connie, been jealous of their relationship. All of that may be true, you say, but that doesn't mean that Connie ain't fucking another guy.

After lunch, Elroy becomes obsessed with Jamie. He wonders if Jamie's even real. He can't find the name on the apartment building's mailboxes. He calls your office operator who doesn't have the name at hand. See? Elroy tells others, Connie can't be cheating because he can't find Jamie. His other friends try to help him with this mythical "Jamie," all to no avail. And then Jamie comes back from vacation. And Elroy calls you up to say fine, you weren't lying about Jamie. But he still doesn't believe that Connie is fucking around.

Now, of course, Jamie's presence doesn't make the story true. And, really, Elroy's kind of stuck. Because if he was actually secure about his relationship with Connie, he wouldn't have given a shit about Jamie, and you and he would have had a good laugh at the idea. But all he did was chase after the source, not the real story.

Michelle Malkin and most of Right Blogsylvania went nutzoid at the idea that Captain Jamil Hussein, a source for an AP story about Iraqi Shia pouring gasoline on mosque-departing Sunnis and setting them on fire, was fake. To prove Hussein was not real was to prove that the story was fake. To do that was to discredit all of the AP and its reporting that the war in Iraq is a fucking nightmare. Malkin went further than the rest of the let's-kill-more-Americans-for-our-deranged-visions bloggers, in her most recent "column" (if by "column," you mean, "horrible Invasion of the Body Snatchers-like pointing and screeching"). She compares several right wing manufactured media "scandals," referring to "the Associated Press' Jamil Hussein-gate" as one "that will go down in mainstream history as yet another case of textbook media malpractice." Problem is, of course, that Jamil Hussein exists.

Now Malkin has issued a tiny correction beneath a correction for another much-hyped bullshit story, over whether or not John Kerry was dining alone in Iraq (he wasn't): "As I noted on the 4th, the AP reported that the Ministry of Interior in Iraq has now said a Captain Jamil Hussein does work in the al Khadra police station. I regret the error. But no blogger should apologize for raising legitimate questions about AP's transparency, its reliance on local foreign stringers of dubious origins, and information that sources such as Hussein have provided the AP. I will continue to pursue some of the unresolved issues related to this." Let's just get this straight: the United States went to war based in many ways on its reliance on people of "dubious" motives (anyone need a "Curveball"?). But that's okay. AP puts two sentences in a bigger story about civil war/ethnic cleansing and all of a sudden it's Inquisition time - get out the anal reamer.

The Rude Pundit's not saying whether or not the Sunni burnings occurred. He has no reason to believe they didn't. But the right's obsession with pursuing whether or not a source is real has come back to bite them on the ass. The mainstream media bought into the idea that because Dan Rather's story on Bush's Vietnam-era non-exploits had some forged documents involved that there was no story. Right Blogsylvania got the story, the real story, killed by attacking a source. It's classic lawyer bullshit. If the victim's a hooker, did a rape occur? If the witness is a junkie, did he see a murder?

And now, for Michelle Malkin and the Malkinettes, they have discredited themselves by not pursuing what may be a real story in their war-tainted brains. Although whether or not six Sunnis were set on fire seems to be a minor point in all the shit that's confirmed by multiple and official sources (tortured, tossed bodies; endless kidnappings). Like the entire right-wing attack on the "liberal" media ignores whether or not the "liberal" stories are true.

What this is really about, as Eric Boehlert and others have pointed out, is the gut-twisting denial these jerkholes have contorted themselves into. Even as other conservatives fall in with the vast majority of the nation in saying, "Enough," for Malkin and Right Blogsylvania, the war in Iraq is their raison d'etre. It's their cocktail, their lubricant, their red meat. If they admit its failure, even if they know it's true, then they will have to admit that they wasted their lives (and the lives of untold thousands) on a cause lost from the beginning.

In other words, there's a fuckin' correction that can never be made.

Rude Pundit Vacation Rerun #2: The Same People Saying the Same Shit About Immigration

Rude Pundit Vacation Rerun #2: The Same People Saying the Same Shit About Immigration:
(The Rude Pundit is on a much-deserved [according to him] vacation. So he's rerunning old blog posts that are strangely still relevant now. Today's is from April 11, 2006 and it's about Rush Limbaugh and Michelle Malkin flipping the fuck out over even the weakest plan to bring sanity to our immigration policies. Oh, and the links might not work because they're old, man.)

The Crazed Right Tries To Deal With a Rising Tide:
Conservatives are going bugfuck nutzoid at the immigration protests yesterday. To read and/or watch the right wing punditry is to witness the bittersweet sight of a pack of rabid mongrels drowning in a flooded alleyway. Yeah, it's kind of painful to see them suffer, paws trying to desperately find solid ground, whines coming through their foaming mouths, but, you know, fuck 'em - all they did was rip up the garbage, chase the children, and spread disease.

Rush Limbaugh, a man who should be fed his own oxycontin-infused liposuctioned fat, offers us his insights on what people might be thinking when they see the protests: "'Look at all the yard work not being done. Look at all the bathrooms in Los Angeles not being cleaned today. Don't they have jobs?'" But Limbaugh is clever, like the guy who says, "I have a friend who's so fuckin' fat and stoned all the time that he can't get an erection to save his life or his relationship with a hot news anchoress. What d'ya suggest?" and you're thinkin', "Sure, yeah, your friend, huh?" See, Limbaugh says that "some of you say" the openly racist shit, as if, no, it's not him, he's only the voice of the people, if by "people," you mean "slavering monkeys for whom discourse is flinging their own shit outside their cages."

Limbaugh's also in a tizzy because, according to the bloated bloviator, Democrats not only see the protests as an opportunity for voters already here, but see amnesty as a means to "a permanent Democratic majority." Without even getting into the mind-blowing hypocrisy of a Republican, a supporter of Tom DeLay, decrying the tactics of a party for going for a permanent majority, let's just let the man twist in the wind himself: "You're looking at a demand for the recreation of the welfare state. You're looking at a marched demand, a protested demand, for the recreation of statism, big government socialism. You had people marching today basically for socialism...Hell's bells, folks, these people are being promised socialism. These people are promised they can vote, and they're being promised benefits. They're going to be able to suckle the giant teat of the federal pig, and that's what they know, and that's one of the reasons -- not all, but there's a good number of them that are coming for that reason. The electoral system is under assault here. The Democrats want to legalize felon voting. They want to now legalize the voting of illegals, voting rights for illegals." Goddamn, it must suck to have to fill three hours every day with the sound of your own madness. You just say shit, even if what you're saying Democrats want to do would require amending the U.S. Constitution without, you know, pointing that out.

In any sane nation, Rush Limbaugh would be a homeless junkie, shouting on street corners before he pissed himself again. If Rush Limbaugh was in a crack house, havin' those jittery rock comedowns, the shakes before the pipe, the other crackheads would be screaming at him to shut the fuck up or someone's gonna shove a cock in his mouth.

Which leads, quite naturally, to Michelle Malkin, who really does need to be caged like a rabid shih-tzu. Malkin has been doing the whole "lookie-here-who's-a-protestin'" thing, showing that in groups of hundreds of thousands of marchers, there's gonna be some fringe elements that Malkin's gonna use to discredit the entire movement. Oooh, look, some Larouche supporters, some Black Panthers, some Communistas, oh, my. Oh, no, someone's sayin' somethin' bad about poor ol' Lou Dobbs. You know, could someone introduce Malkin to a group of white white supremacists and see what they have to say to her Asian ass?

The most bizarre thing Malkin and Limbaugh both trotted out was the fact that Ted Kennedy spoke at the DC protest. Shocked, shocked they were that the man who co-wrote the Senate Judiciary Committee's original bill on immigration reform might actually have something to say on the subject. Read Kennedy's speech - it's rhetorically pretty mild, but energetic as hell.

Malkin, Limbaugh, and the rest have to discredit the protests. Because the water's risin' fast, and the last bits of debris are floatin' by, and all the diseased mongrels have to figure out what they're gonna cling to so they can ride it out or just plunge under the water.

Why Michelle Malkin Ought To Be Caged Like a Rabid Shih-tzu, Part 972:
Michelle Malkin, in her latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "Cave drawings of woolly mammoths fucking done by a retarded Neanderthal"), writes what is, esssentially, a mini-Turner Diaries of batshit post-9/11 anti-Muslim paranoia. In her "John Doe Manifesto," Malkin professes to speak for those anonymous everypeople whose sphincters clench each time they pass someone praying to Mecca. It's a how-to guide to justify every redneck pig-running action around the country.

Malkin declares that "I am John Doe," your neighbor, your fellow traveler, your boss. And John Doe, man, he's bugfuck nutzoid since the Big Day: "I will never forget the example of the passengers of United Airlines Flight 93 who refused to sit back on 9/11 and let themselves be murdered in the name of Islam without a fight." And your neighbor likes a certain actor: "I will never forget the alertness of actor James Woods, who notified a stewardess that several Arab men sitting in his first-class cabin on an August 2001 flight were behaving strangely. The men turned out to be 9/11 hijackers on a test run." James Woods, man, is there anything he can't do?

See, John Doe's got his guard up, all the goddamn time, because Uncle Fuckin' Sam wants him to be: "I will act when homeland security officials ask me to "report suspicious activity." John Does's worried that crazed Muslims are a-gonna take over the United States: "I will challenge your attempts to indoctrinate my children in our schools...I will resist the imposition of sharia principles and sharia law in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces."

Yeah, man, John Doe's getting his bug-eye on, checkin' shit out, makin' sure Uhmerka stays safe. "I will put my family's safety above sensitivity. I will put my country above multiculturalism," Malkin as Doe writes. "I will not submit to your will. I will not be intimidated." Damn, motherfucker's takin' a stand.

And, yet, strangely, you could turn this fucker around, replace Islamofascist or whatever, as well as a couple of other words, and it could be a "manifesto" for how to deal with the Bush administration. Christ, to live as Malkin wants us to would not be unlike using radiation therapy to cure a sinus infection, to use a bazooka to swat a fly.

Why Michelle Malkin Ought To Be Caged Like a Rabid Shih-Tzu, Part 782:
Oh, fuck, at this point, can anyone point to a reason why the cruelly snarling Malkin shouldn't be interned without charge or trial for the duration of, well, hell, let's just say for the duration? 'Cause lately, the vicious she-beast (who lives by the dictum: "If you think Ann Coulter is crazy, watch me eat my own poo") has been practicing cuntistry at such a fevered level that it's like watching humping wolverines.

As Glenn Greenwald points out, ideological consistency is as important to Malkin as a long-term mate is to a black widow spider. While Malkin has essentially said that anything the Bush administration does to torture, maim, or deprive of rights anyone merely tangentially suspected of having passed by an Islamic radical in the street is a-o-fuckin'-kay, she's got her vinyl thong in a crotch twist over the death sentence of three Catholics in Indonesia convicted, at a trial, no less, of having masterminded a massacre of 200 Muslims. See, apparently some of the evidence was "rejected by the court" and some witnesses weren't allowed to testify. So the condemned are appealing to the International Criminal Court.

And one day later, as in today, Malkin's linking to nutzoid right wingers who think that anything approaching rights for terrorism suspects is capitulation to the point that we may as well be growing our beards and blowing up our Christian idols now. For instance, here's one of Malkin's links, the National Review's Andrew "Not the St. Elmo's Fire Guy" McCarthy in USA Today on the case of Maher Arar, the innocent Canadian arrested by the U.S. and renditioned to Syria for torture. Malkin calls Arar "the new liberal cause celebre." McCarthy opines of the Arar error, "[W]ith the lives of 300 million Americans at stake, the United States cannot make national security policy based on individual anecdotes about government roguishness."

One imagines that while Arar was being held for ten months in a cell the size of a casket in a dungeon in Syria, only taken out for torture sessions, he must have been thinking, "Man, all these electrodes on my nuts, regular beatings, and things shoved up my ass really suck for me, but, hey, if it protects 300 million Americans, I'm willing to take one for the team." Yeah, those anecdotes, it's too bad they have to be made of flesh sometimes.

Malkin also agrees with the detention of AP photographer Bilal Hussein. Hussein, whose photos of the real violence occurring in Iraq made him a target for right wing blogs, has been held without charges for five months now by the American military, who suspect him of collaborating with insurgents or "terrorists." AP and Reporters Without Borders have asked that he be charged or, you know, set the man free. Malkin will have none of that kind of pussy-ass assertion of rights for a fucker like Hussein. Screeches the she-beast, "Well before I reported on Hussein's capture, military bloggers and media watchdog bloggers had raised persistent questions over the past two years about Hussein's relationship with terrorists in Iraq and whether his photos were staged in collusion with our enemies."

Malkin is blaming AP for suppressing the story. She and her flying monkey bloggers have already convicted Hussein. Unlike the three tried and sentenced Catholics in Indonesia, who were no doubt victims of an unfair process, no trial is needed when the religion of the person is the wrong one.

Why Michelle Malkin Should Be Caged Like a Rabid Shih Tzu (Teacher Edition):
Mostly, the Rude Pundit had stopped giving a happy monkey fuck what conservative columnist Michelle Malkin has had to say on any given topic because it's boringly predictable and shittily written. But her latest piece attacking Matt Damon's defense of public school teachers at the Save Our Schools rally in DC has a line that's infuriating because you can bet that Malkin thought she was being oh-so-clever.

No, it's not her repetition of right-wing bullshit, like about tenure and salaries and the canard that teachers only work for 180 days a year. Ever heard of prep? Grading? It's 180 days in the classroom, full-time. It'd be like saying the only minutes that count are the ones that Malkin spends tapping the keyboard, not the time spent ordering assistants to do research, reading that research, beating the assistant with a plastic bottle of cheap tequila, weeping apologies to the assistant, forcing the assistant to watch as she masturbates furiously with 10-inch spiked dildo, and ordering the assistant to clean said dildo. It's all part of the process that it takes in order to piss out such driblets of wisdom like this attack on the alleged squishy multiculturalism that conservatives want to squeeze out of schools:

"Out: Reading is fundamental. In: Feeling is fundamental."

And it's that line that's like watching a moose shit on a dead child in the forest. Because, see, "Reading is fundamental" as a phrase exists because of the nonprofit program Reading Is Fundamental. And RIF, which provides books and help with reading to low-income kids, got a great deal of its funding from the federal government. It is a demonstrable good in teaching, you know, those fundamentals, like, well, shit, reading.

In March of this year, the Republican-led House of Representatives cut the funding for RIF from the federal budget. That means over 4 million kids won't get that help with basic skills. Maybe this is feeling too much, but it sure seems like if you really gave a goddamn about kids learning, you might wanna keep around something that's worked for over four decades.

Damon's right: Malkin and conservatives want to narrow down the problems of education in America to selfish teachers sucking the system dry. And then they take pride in gutting the school system and any programs that might educate the poor.

Oh, wait. Now it makes sense.

Notes From a Dialogue Between Savages:
Whenever Michelle Malkin (who needs to be caged like a rabid shih-tzu) appears on Bill O'Reilly's Fox "News" show, it's a little like watching two hyenas rip into the corpse of a gazelle. They're in it together, their target can't fight back, and they're gonna rip that fucker to meaty shreds until they're good and done. So it was that on Tuesday, Malkin joined O'Reilly (who needs to be sodomized with a microphone) to "talk" about San Francisco's board of supervisors may vote to get rid of the Junior ROTC program in its high schools because of the "Don't ask, don't tell" policies towards gays.

After Malkin gave a brief cultural history of the city, making sure to mention hippies, the Haight, and "socialists," and after O'Reilly reminded everyone of how large a gay population San Francisco has, the dialogue went like this:

O'REILLY: Do you believe the federal government should start to withhold funds from that town? And what about Fleet Week which brings millions of dollar? Should the military say, "We're not going there anymore"?

MALKIN: Oh, yes. I think it's about time to kiss off San Francisco, because that's all they do to America every day.

O'REILLY: All right. So no Fleet Week and if the government can deny them federal funds, if they misbehave, you'd be for that?

MALKIN: And don't visit there either.

O'REILLY: All right.

Now, the last time the Rude Pundit was in the Castro during Fleet Week, it may as well have been called "Fellate Week," because you didn't have to ask or tell to get your pecker righteously kissed off. One wink and a "Semper Fi," and it was time to give it to the Marines.

Yep, O'Reilly and Malkin act as if they've discovered a new land they can desecrate, with Malkin proposing "[I]t's definitely the subject of a political or sociological book because San Francisco and the Bay Area in general is really living in an intergalactic ZIP code," 'cause, you know, no one's ever thought of writing a book on San Francisco.

For O'Reilly and Malkin, dissent, especially dissent of a public, large scale, drives them bugfuck crazed, as if their hegemony of hate and bile should swallow all of us.

A Patrick Kennedy-Inspired Right Wing Orgy:
Oh, sweet orgasmic blessings of the news cycle goddesses, oh, goddamn, fuck, a Kennedy in a car accident? In DC? Where drugs and/or alcohol might be involved? Where the cops say that Kennedy was actin' funny? And perhaps he was treated differently than others who were in the same situation? And it's Ted Kennedy's son, Patrick, who is a member of Congress? Sweet Jesus, for the fine members of the right wing punditry, it's like Christmas, Easter, and Ronald Reagan's Birthday all rolled into one big package of crazy.

Upon hearing about the incident, Michelle Malkin broke the window on the box for the emergency vibrator in her house, the one that she keeps locked up for use only on special occasions like this, like a long-sequestered bottle of Dom Perignon in the back of the fridge. It's the triple-XL one, the one made of unbreakable fiberglass, studded with the bones of Sudanese children, whose femurs are extra firm but pliable after their brief years of starvation, like veal cows in reverse. Grabbin' its pull cord with all her might and crankin' that bad boy up, Malkin practically fell over herself to roughly insert it into her pulsating vagina before stammeringly typing away links to documents and suppositions. She denied herself the earth-shaking orgasm until she finished her updates, but it felt so good, all that heaving self-fucking, that she had to do it again this morning.

All over the right wing media, a great shudder of relief and release went up. Jesus Christ, between bribes with hookers, plunging poll numbers, and Donald Rumsfeld's public bitch slapping by Ray McGovern (and other protesters), it seemed as if there was nothing for conservatives to do but write defense, and everyone knows that while a good D is essential to having a shot in the big game, it's the offense that gets the crowd the big O. Goddamn, if only Patrick Kennedy had had a lover in the car who was hurt or killed, the sewers of Georgetown would have been overflowing with rivers of conservative cum.

Matt Drudge tickled his prostate joyfully as he one-handedly spewed out another of his barely-un-plagiarized demi-stories. The Hindrocket slapped his peter repeatedly with his Blackberry, desperately trying to be relevant to the discourse. Over at the National Review's Corner (motto: "We Don't Read the News So You Don't Have To, Either"), the never-ending circle jerk got briefly giddy over Kennedy. Goddamn, how badly they want, need, crave this to become the big story.

Except that the news cycle is fickle, and while, yes, the CNNMSNBCFox briefly had Ambien-wacked out Patrick Kennedy at the top of the broadcast, the story's been lapped by things that actually seem relevant, like the pathetic jobs figures, the conservative rats leaving the USS Bush as it sinks into the muck and mire, and the possibility of peace in Darfur. This is not to mention that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the man President Bush talked about constantly as one of the most evilestest men in the known and unknown universe, a guy who would sodomize Ming the Merciless while having Attila the Hun lick his balls, doesn't even seem to know how to work a gun.

Maybe it's too hopeful to say that the mainstream media knows a Condit-like distraction when it sees it now. Because there's always the next missing white woman or David Blaine emerging from his bubble (or dying. Whatever). And certainly Greta Van Susterenenenenen will talk about Kennedy's accident for weeks, with Fox "News" and Malkin and others floggin' the story that Kennedy got "preferential treatment," never recognizing the hypocrisy in decrying whatever way Kennedy was treated while ignoring the way in which admitted drug addict Rush Limbaugh was handled like a delicate flower whose bloom would forever be slightly less glorious if he was treated like every other sad junkie.

Still, Michelle Malkin's pussy is, at least for the time being, satiated in its mad cunty desire for larger fuck toys and more horsepower. And it's the weekend, time enough for sore conservative koozes and cocks to heal to get ready to jack it again come Monday.

On Getting Tossed From the "Defending the American Dream" Conference:
So when the Rude Pundit read that not only was there a right wing blogger conference going on in Austin as a kind of sad counterprogramming to the massive Netroots Nation convention, but that the demiCoulter herself, Michelle Malkin, would be speaking, he decided he needed to bail for a little while the netrootsers, especially after Malkin called out the Rude Pundit's panel on her blog (which, admittedly, had called her out). Together with David Neiwert and Mike Stark, the Rude Pundit headed over to the Austin Renaissance Hotel, on the outskirts of the city. Stark had procured a video camera; Neiwert had a voice recorder.

The Rude Pundit prefers to traffic in subversion, getting inside gatherings and groups, and learning about what people say in private. He would totally go on a Hannidate. He wanted to try to get into the Malkin speech, talk to some of the gathered conservatives, play, have fun, and, if given a chance to get up to the microphone, ask Malkin if she would share a terrorist-approved Dunkin' Donut. Alas, this was not to be.

For Stark's approach is a bit more forthright. In serial killer terms, the Rude Pundit prefers slow poisoning or a quick switchblade; Stark is more of your chainsaw-and-sledgehammer type. He saw Wall Street Journal editorialist and occasional TV gabfest guest John Fund, asked the Rude Pundit to start filming, and stopped Fund in the lobby. After handing Fund a deck of cards with gay Republicans on them, Stark asked the befuddled but vaguely charmed Fund if he had had sex with Grover Norquist. Now, a wise man would have walked away. Fund was not a wise man. Demanding to know Stark's sources, Fund was confrontational, angry, bullying, and threatening with accompanying gesticulation. Stark was relatively calm as he accused Fund of hypocrisy and giving aid to the enemy. Indeed, if an objective observer were to ask who was making a scene, the obvious choice would be Fund.

(Before you feel any pity for Fund, read a few of his articles. Check him out praising Jesse Helms [Helms wasn't a bigot - he was just misunderstood], his Obama/Rezkio conspiracy fluffing, and his appearance on Bill Maher's show, just being a dick. No, he's not the most evil guy, but you can still kick a henchman in the balls before you get to Ming the Merciless.)

Finally, when Stark refused to give up any sources, Fund walked away. By the way, the Rude Pundit was not the only person filming or taking photos of the confrontation. Then we headed over to the ballroom where the actual conference was occurring. Stark struck again. He saw a lonely Grover Norquist signing books (although everyone was already at lunch, listening to Michael Steele, getting lubed up for Malkin), and Fund had walked over to Norquist, as if to make sure any rumors were proven true. Norquist, though, was having none of it. He more or less told Stark to go fuck himself and offered to sign a book. Hateful as he is, that is a wise man.

The two middle-aged Hispanic security guys, in very nice suits, walked over to us at this point and told us that unless we were registered for the conference, we had to leave. So, in a seemingly logical gesture, we headed over to the registration table. The Rude Pundit was aching to get in to see Malkin. We were ready to pay, half-registered, when organizers asked the kid helping us to come over to a conversation with the security guys. We knew they didn't want our money and that we were done.

Stark and the Rude Pundit walked over to the magic circle and offered to be nice at the Malkin show. One of the organizers said there were 400 people there. Sure, whatever. There were an awful lot of unclaimed badges sitting at the registration table and it was the last six hours of their conference, this being Saturday.

Finally, after asking the Rude Pundit to shut off the camera (he didn't - just putting it down and filming his crotch and shoes for a while), the very nicely dressed Hispanic security guys told us we had to leave the entire premises of the hotel, including the grounds and parking lot, or the police would be called. There would be no negotiation.

Out we headed, just in time to watch Fund and Norquist leave the hotel together and walk over to - not shitting you, dear readers - TGI Friday's for lunch. Perhaps the hard bones of the baby back ribs were calling them. One cannot be sure. There were better restaurants around, even though we were in mega-corporate chain central. The security guards at that point had stepped outside the lobby and were watching to make sure we left completely.

A couple of notes:
1. Yes, the Rude Pundit was pissed at Stark for coming on so strong right out of the gate. Run the marathon, motherfucker. And, yes, he let Stark know it (although the footage we got was golden and, truly, Stark's a good guy). Stark apologized profusely.

2. Poor Dave Neiwert was shut down almost as soon as he got there. Although he got to sit in the lobby.

3. All of this is on video. And the Rude Pundit promises you and John Fund, who was insistent about it, that as soon as he has it (right now, Stark is working with the tape), he will post the complete, unedited footage so you can judge for yourself.

Later today: Final observations on Netroots Nation

The Crazed Right Tries To Deal With a Rising Tide:
Conservatives are going bugfuck nutzoid at the immigration protests yesterday. To read and/or watch the right wing punditry is to witness the bittersweet sight of a pack of rabid mongrels drowning in a flooded alleyway. Yeah, it's kind of painful to see them suffer, paws trying to desperately find solid ground, whines coming through their foaming mouths, but, you know, fuck 'em - all they did was rip up the garbage, chase the children, and spread disease.

Rush Limbaugh, a man who should be fed his own oxycontin-infused liposuctioned fat, offers us his insights on what people might be thinking when they see the protests: "'Look at all the yard work not being done. Look at all the bathrooms in Los Angeles not being cleaned today. Don't they have jobs?'" But Limbaugh is clever, like the guy who says, "I have a friend who's so fuckin' fat and stoned all the time that he can't get an erection to save his life or his relationship with a hot news anchoress. What d'ya suggest?" and you're thinkin', "Sure, yeah, your friend, huh?" See, Limbaugh says that "some of you say" the openly racist shit, as if, no, it's not him, he's only the voice of the people, if by "people," you mean "slavering monkeys for whom discourse is flinging their own shit outside their cages."

Limbaugh's also in a tizzy because, according to the bloated bloviator, Democrats not only see the protests as an opportunity for voters already here, but see amnesty as a means to "a permanent Democratic majority." Without even getting into the mind-blowing hypocrisy of a Republican, a supporter of Tom DeLay, decrying the tactics of a party for going for a permanent majority, let's just let the man twist in the wind himself: "You're looking at a demand for the recreation of the welfare state. You're looking at a marched demand, a protested demand, for the recreation of statism, big government socialism. You had people marching today basically for socialism...Hell's bells, folks, these people are being promised socialism. These people are promised they can vote, and they're being promised benefits. They're going to be able to suckle the giant teat of the federal pig, and that's what they know, and that's one of the reasons -- not all, but there's a good number of them that are coming for that reason. The electoral system is under assault here. The Democrats want to legalize felon voting. They want to now legalize the voting of illegals, voting rights for illegals." Goddamn, it must suck to have to fill three hours every day with the sound of your own madness. You just say shit, even if what you're saying Democrats want to do would require amending the U.S. Constitution without, you know, pointing that out.

In any sane nation, Rush Limbaugh would be a homeless junkie, shouting on street corners before he pissed himself again. If Rush Limbaugh was in a crack house, havin' those jittery rock comedowns, the shakes before the pipe, the other crackheads would be screaming at him to shut the fuck up or someone's gonna shove a cock in his mouth.

Which leads, quite naturally, to Michelle Malkin, who really does need to be caged like a rabid shih-tzu. Malkin has been doing the whole "lookie-here-who's-a-protestin'" thing, showing that in groups of hundreds of thousands of marchers, there's gonna be some fringe elements that Malkin's gonna use to discredit the entire movement. Oooh, look, some Larouche supporters, some Black Panthers, some Communistas, oh, my. Oh, no, someone's sayin' somethin' bad about poor ol' Lou Dobbs. You know, could someone introduce Malkin to a group of white white supremacists and see what they have to say to her Asian ass?

The most bizarre thing Malkin and Limbaugh both trotted out was the fact that Ted Kennedy spoke at the DC protest. Shocked, shocked they were that the man who co-wrote the Senate Judiciary Committee's original bill on immigration reform might actually have something to say on the subject. Read Kennedy's speech - it's rhetorically pretty mild, but energetic as hell.

Malkin, Limbaugh, and the rest have to discredit the protests. Because the water's risin' fast, and the last bits of debris are floatin' by, and all the diseased mongrels have to figure out what they're gonna cling to so they can ride it out or just plunge under the water.

Update on Carlos Gutierrez: Still working on answering the question the Rude Pundit posed yesterday.

America the Cruel: Missing Soldier's Wife May Be Deported:
So one of the American soldiers missing in Iraq for over a month is Alex Jimenez of Lawrence, Massachusetts. Back in May, conservative attack dragon Michelle Malkin wanted to make sure "the rest of the country" was not taking the soldiers "for granted." For the most part, Malkin's blog is a document of her journey across the fenced border that separates the mad from the sane over illegal immigration, with Malkin coming down firmly on the bugfuck crazy side, especially if an illegal drinks and drives.

One wonders what Malkin and all the other taint-licking nutzoids that comprise the right-wing punditry are thinking about prospect that Alex Jimenez's wife, Yaderlin Hiraldo, faces deportation because, yup, she's illegal. The woman pictured cuddling with her Army hubby may be sent back to the Dominican Republic, where she would have to stay for ten years before she could apply to come back. Her status as an illegal immigrant was discovered because, yup, Alex applied to get her a green card and legal status. The cruelest irony, if there isn't enough here, is that because Alex Jimenez is missing, a judge has put a hold on a hearing over her status. So now Yaderlin Hiraldo gets to wait for the inevitable news that Alex was treated like a beef cow in the slaughterhouse and whether or not she's allowed to continue to live in the country that her husband suffered and probably died for.

And what if Yaderlin is granted a green card? Is her situation any less extreme than a parent whose child was born here, those abstract "anchor babies" Neil Boortz, Rush Limbaugh, and others are fond of deriding? Someone give Lou Dobbs a call. "Amnesty," as he orgasmically spews about any immigration legislation less than disembowelment, means something concrete to actual people, not a darker-skinned, bean-smelling amorphous blob.

The Rude Pundit would like to see Malkin and Dobbs and Tom Tancredo standing at an airport, watching Yaderlin led to a plane to take her back to Santo Domingo. Maybe they could manipulate the corpse of her husband, an all-American puppet hero, so it waves good-bye and good riddance, that no sacrifice is enough to get into their special club of citizenship.

A Brief Lecture On the Function of Press Releases (With a Side Note On the Need To Cage Michelle Malkin Like a Rabid Shih-Tzu):
Here's a quick and easy lesson regarding press releases: the "Contact" information is actually for the reporter or writer receiving the release. It is not a part of the information you want generally published or announced. The implication is "If you need more info or find this interesting enough to write a longer article, you can get in touch with someone here, at this phone number or this e-mail address." It's a kind of trust between the person sending the release and the person receiving it.

Whenever the Rude Pundit has sent out a press release, he makes sure that the contact phone number ain't a home or cell or that the e-mail address ain't a personal one. Why? Because, inevitably, some stupid fuck at a newspaper will think that it's part of the release itself and print the contact information. And then, even if you're announcing a knitting circle fer kittens, you will get phone calls from some loudmouth wad of fuck who wants to know what business you have knittin' fer kittens or what you're knittin' and will it hurt kittens.

So, yeah, the UC-Santa Cruz students who put out a press release for their Students Against War protest against military recruiters on their campus have learned their lesson. And that lesson is that vile, savage cunt-beasts who disagree with your politics will gleefully destroy your personal life to demonstrate the petty power they hold over the pathetic trolls who read said cunt-beasts' columns and who masturbate furiously when one cunt-beast or another appears on Fox "News" (motto: "Cunt-Beasts have a home at Fox").

And while the Rude Pundit does not encourage the publicizing of the personal info of political writers, well, fuck, what's good fer the goose is good fer the gander, ya know? If big bad bloggress Michelle Malkin, who really needs to be caged like a rabid shih-tzu, wants to play with people's lives away from the protests and the SAW meetings, then she shouldn't expect to be treated any better. Do unto others and all that shit is what the Christians say. Or so the Rude Pundit hears.

(Note: The Rude Pundit is out on the highways and byways of Uhmerka and will have shorter posts. Back to full rude force on Monday.)

Great Moments of the Pundoconsultocracy (Updated):
If you've never had the pleasure, you ought to read "1601", a little-known work by Mark Twain. In the story, William Shakespeare, Francis Bacon and others are before Queen Elizabeth at court, and someone farts. Each man there declaims about how the fart could not be his until, finally, Sir Walter Raleigh owns up to it by saying, "It was nothing--less than nothing, madam--I did it but to clear my nether throat; but had I come prepared, then had I delivered something worthy." It's pretty obvious why, when thinking about your mainstream pundits and your hack political consultants, the Rude Pundit cast his mind back to Twain's "who dealt it?" classic.

For instance, given a huge ass megaphone and the imprimatur New York Times respectability, Bill Kristol, he who, it should always be reminded, was Alan Keyes' campaign manager once upon a time, wrote a column that is the rhetorical equivalent of a dry turd. In essence, Kristol says, "[T]he fact is that the Republican establishment spent 2007 underestimating Mike Huckabee. If Huckabee does win the nomination, it would be amusing if Democrats made the same mistake in 2008." So, wait, wait, here. You mean conservative Bill Kristol wants the Republican to win. That's pretty much the entire goddamn thing: "Huckabee nice, me feeling comfortable with Huckabee, Obama bad, Clinton worse, ugh." Christ, Kristol even quotes Michelle Malkin. That's not even getting into his description of George Bush as "well-born" when he, as much as anyone, pimped this myth of W as regular guy. And thus the real reason Kristol was selected to write for the Times becomes obvious. David Brooks wanted someone to make him look smart.

Of course, Kristol, having been wrong about so very much in his life (going back to the aforementioned Alan Keyes campaign), has tons of company. Look at the man who destroyed Hillary Clinton, alleged marketing genius and Clinton adviser Mark Penn. In an awesome post at the Hillary Clinton blog this weekend, Penn asked where is the bounce in the polls for Barack Obama in New Hampshire after the Iowa caucuses. Aw, yeah, this badass motherfucker declared on Saturday, "New Hampshire voters are fiercely independent. They will make their own decisions about who to support." And, according to nearly every poll today, they decided on Barack Obama, by 10 points now, which, unless the Rude Pundit's unclear on the term, pretty much qualifies as a bounce. Like the ghost of Bob Shrum, Mark Penn keeps haunting the once-leading Democrat and until Hillary's willing to grab him by his balls and toss him into the streets and let Bill kick him out of the city, Clinton's gone, baby, gone.

Every once in a while, though, some pundit or other mea culpas, usually way too fucking late, as when members of the press looked into their "hearts" and decided they were just too hard and unfair with Al Gore. That happened in about 2004 or 2005. Yesterday, though, on Reliable Sources with Howard "Behold My Toupee of Integrity" Kurtz, Mark Halperin said, "I'm embarrassed about the way we treated Mike Huckabee. I include myself. I gave a speech in Arkansas several months ago, and I completely dismissed his chances when asked about him on his home turf. I'm embarrassed personally about that and I'm embarrassed for our profession. I'm also embarrassed at the way, as we talked about in the beginning of the show, the way we careen back and forth between inevitable and dead. You know, you talked about it in the context of Hillary Clinton. Look at the coverage of John McCain. People just want to write his obituary for no good reason, not look at his ideas, not look at the possibility of a comeback. It happens all the time in politics, and yet we careen back and forth. And again, I find it embarrassing that we do it." Wow. A goddamned bit of ethics. 'Course, Halperin probably is just trying to ensure himself access to the campaigns he dissed, but, still, a dissonantly honorable moment.

"1601" ends with discussions of sex, with talk of "cunts" and "pricks." In one tale, a young maiden avoids being deflowered by telling the man about to rape her, "'First, my lord, I prithee, take out thy holy tool and piss before me'; which doing, lo his member felle, and would not rise again." Ah, that our pundoconsultocracy would give in to such tricks.

Update: Remember: Bill Kristol is wrong about nearly everything, including who he quotes in his columns. The Rude Pundit thought that line sounded a little too non-batshit insane to be Michelle Malkin.