10/31/2016

Republicans Will Shit on Your Lawn and Tell You It's Your Fault

Let us say, and why not, that one day you decide to put up a "Hillary Clinton for President" or "I'm with her" sign on your front lawn. It's your lawn, right? You're allowed to choose what signs to stick in the ground. Now let us say, and, indeed, why not, that you get up the morning after you put out the sign to discover that someone has ripped up the thing and taken what appears to be a human shit on your lawn. That just pisses you off. You get another sign. You clean up the shit. And then the next morning, the same thing happens. Ripped sign. Shit on your lawn. You get a third sign, and this time you set up a surveillance camera to see what's going on. Reviewing the footage the next day, you see your neighbor walk into your yard, rip up your Clinton sign, drop his pants, and take a shit on your lawn.

You walk to your neighbor's house and say, "Yo, Dan, what gives? Why are you ripping up my sign? Why are you shitting on my lawn?" And Dan explains that he thinks that sign represents a danger to himself and his family. "And the shitting on the lawn?" Dan explains that he does that so you'll stop putting the sign back up. "Wait, wait, wait," you say. "You're telling me that you're gonna shit on my lawn until I give up putting out the Hillary sign?" Dan nods, and he tells you that you're to blame. You just keep putting that sign up. What else can he do but tear it up and shit?

"You could try not tearing up the sign. You could go shit in your toilet," you attempt to reason with him. Dan's not hearing it. It's a simple proposition: you put up the sign. You deserve the shit. You don't want shit on your lawn? You know what to do. When you threaten to call the cops, Dan says it's fine. You might get rid of him. But others in the neighborhood will start to shit on your lawn, too. They have to. It's just what they do when they see the Clinton sign. Rip and shit. And if you'd just do exactly what they want, the shitting will end. Well, unless you put up some other sign they don't like.

Whenever I read something that tells me that the Clinton presidency is going to be endless congressional investigations (something that I bemoaned back in 2008, but that was when we had a choice of Clinton or Obama, not Clinton or an inside-out pumpkin), I want to say to the people who have made their living chasing chimeric Clinton crimes, "Is this the life you wanted? Constantly trying to prove that these two people are evil? Is that your white whale? You know that Moby Dick ended up smashing the ship and killing Ahab, right?"

In today's Washington Post, Marc Thiessen writes in his latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "wet sharts of a brain-damaged torture apologist") about how a Clinton presidency will usher in a whole new series of "Clinton scandals." He helpfully reviews, "In the 1990s, it was Whitewater, the firing of White House travel aides, Madison S&L, cattle futures and bimbo eruptions. Today, it is the Clinton Foundation and her private email server. And tomorrow — who knows?"

Now, if you're aware that there is a historical record, you'd recall that Whitewater, Travelgate, the cattle futures, and the Madison Savings and Loan added up to a big resounded nothing for the Clintons followed by a sad trombone and the bill for millions and millions of dollars paid by the American people. Oh, yeah, they got Bill Clinton lying under oath about face fucking an intern and made the country pay dearly for it with the humiliating spectacle of the impeachment. Otherwise, the "Clinton scandals," the ones that Republicans have pursued, are a series of manufactured lies. These are not scandals. They are just shit that the GOP made up and called "scandal" and they got everyone else to go along with it.

And now we're supposed to feel queasy because Republicans have promised to keep shitting on our lawns.

As Paul Waldman points out, the savagely excessive reaction to FBI Director James Comey's bullshit letter saying that something vaguely related to Hillary Clinton might be in a bunch of emails on Anthony Weiner's computer is "a preview of the next four years." It'll be a series of innocuous nonsense that can be spun to look hinky that will be pumped up into the greatest scandal in the history of forever and screaming cocks will scream on TV and Alex Jones will sweatily shriek how lizard people are behind it and then some fuckin' congressional committee will investigate for years, subpoenaing the fuck out of innocent government workers who will be forced to pay for lawyers they can't afford in the hopes that some tiny dingleberry of law-breaking will shake out of the hairs on the asshole of Lady Justice. That's what they tried to make this Comey thing become, except for the fact that, as of now, all that's there is a goddamned letter and a bunch of emails that likely say shit like, "Damn, Broad City's a funny show. We should get HRC on it."

But, you know, if there is a big enough tide in the election, Republicans can be denied their committees, their subpoena power, and, really, what has been, for the last 25 years, their pathetic reason for existing.

10/28/2016

It's Alive: The FBI Reanimates the Clinton Email Server Fake Scandal

The ugly ending of this ugly election just got even uglier. Like rotting armadillo ugly. Oh, we were lulled briefly into a sense that the whole thing was going to wind to an end, as Republican candidate and upside down candy corn Donald Trump was starting to choke on his own conspiracy theories, as Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton amassed an insurmountable lead and was starting to make serious inroads into states that had previously been GOP strongholds.

Well, the motherfuckin' joke was on every one of us motherfuckers.

Today, FBI Director James Comey released a nearly meaningless, cagey letter to members of Congress saying the FBI, while looking into some unnamed matter, found some emails "that appear pertinent to the investigation" of Clinton's private email server. So the FBI is gonna check 'em out to see if "they contain classified information" and if they have any "importance to our investigation."

This isn't a "reopening" of the investigation, as everyone is breathlessly saying. If it had ever been closed, Comey wouldn't have said he was going to "supplement" his previous report. It would be a new investigation. Besides, reporter Pete Williams says that the emails aren't actually from Clinton, just from a device that was found. In other words, chances are it's a big fucking pile of nothing and Comey was covering his ass and/or starting up some shit because he's, hell, who knows? bored? Or was he trying to get the FBI out of the crosshairs of the Republican pigfuckers in Congress who have vowed nonstop investigations of the bureau?

And thus, with a whiff of pheromones in the air, the right-wing feeding frenzy went from "shit fight at a monkeyhouse" to "weasels fucking after getting into the meth stash." All of a sudden, Trump was loving the FBI after talking shit about it for months, and declared that the email "scandal" was "bigger than Watergate" (and obviously more important than being a sexual predator). The Republican National Committee, facing the loss of the Senate and the potential loss of the House, went all in on saying that the mere hint at some iota of something slightly suspicious automatically disqualifies Clinton. Conservatives yelped out in simultaneous orgasm all over social media. Sean Hannity was last seen still convulsing on the floor of his office as a weeping intern waited to clean him up. Ann Coulter just squirted and exploded.

Welcome to the last dozen days of this endless goddamn punishment of an election. I'm gonna guess almost no one is thinking of changing their votes from Clinton to Donald Trump because some vague, undefined thing must be up with Clinton and the emails, even though you don't really know what the fuck that really is. But, goddamnit, it just means that the GOP is fluffing itself for the coming impeachment hearings.

And that, more than anything else, is the reason they must be crushed into street scum and washed away come Election Day.


10/27/2016

Jason Chaffetz Thinks He Can Take Just the Tip of Trump's Dick

Jason Chaffetz, a proud Republican congressman from Utah and a man who looks like a shit-flecked, tossed-out toilet scrub brush, announced proudly on his proud Twitter feed that he was taking a proud stand for America: "I will not defend or endorse @realDonaldTrump, but I am voting for him. HRC is that bad. HRC is bad for the USA." He followed this up by adding, "And I won't suck Mr. Trump's dick entirely, but I will just lick the tip."

Previously, Chaffetz had taken another mighty stand, proudly declaring that Republican presidential nominee and withered kumquat of doom Donald Trump was vile when he talked about pussy-grabbing. Said Chaffetz on CNN just 3 weeks ago, "I'm not going to put my good name and reputation and my family behind Donald Trump when he acts like this, I just can't do it," bemoaning that his 15 year-old daughter might be exposed to such Trumpian vulgarity.

Today, however, he said, "I don't actually have a good name. Seriously, have you seen me in action? I'm just a fucked-up, horrible human being whose only purpose will be to shit all over the presidency of Hillary Clinton and try to stop government from functioning by tying her up in endless bullshit investigations." He added, "My reputation is garbage and I kind of fucking hate my family, so, yeah, I'm gonna just place the tip of Mr. Trump's dick in my mouth. But I promise all of my constituents that I will not fully engorge his cock."

He continued, "Rest assured, people of Utah's 3rd Congressional District, I will lick a bit around Mr. Trump's prick hole, but I am not going to deep throat the entire shaft and grab it and jack it off while I suck and lick. I won't cup Mr. Trump's balls and swallow with a satisfied moan when he spurts hot jism into my face. I have ethics, as you all know. Instead, I will spend every waking moment obsessed with leaked emails, trying to desperately fuck that into a scandal that will nakedly appeal to Trump's voters so I can get more power."

And now enjoy a photo of Rep. Chaffetz gladly standing next to large purple dongs:


10/26/2016

"I've Got Guns" and Other Stupid Shit Sniveling Sore Losers Say About the Election

"I have a story for you," the millennial told me. I was all ears. This millennial, a young man, call him "Colin" because that's the first name I thought of, was tall and built like a bouncer at a high-end strip club. "Okay, this just happened at the gym.

"I was finished working out when I heard these two old white guys talking," he said. I interrupted him to ask him how old, since, you know, these days "older" is seeming less and less relative to me. "They were in their 70s."

"Good. That's old," I said.

"And they were talking about the election, about how much they wanted Donald Trump to win. They were saying that Hillary is such a bitch and fuck her and all that kind of shit. So I asked them, 'What are you gonna think if Hillary wins?' One of them said, 'Are you voting for that bitch?' I said, 'No, I'm going for Gary Johnson.'"

This is true. Colin had told me before that he was shitting his vote away on...sorry, supporting the Libertarian. That doesn't detract from the rest of the story.

He continued, "One old guy said, 'I'd watch out if Hillary wins. There are a lot of us who are going to do anything we can to stop her.' The other one is like 'I've got guns and I'll blow shit up if I have to.'"

Colin paused before asking, "Isn't that fucked up?"

I thought for a moment, remembering all the threats that have happened so far, all the right-wing groups that have threatened violence. I recalled just today that federal law enforcement was worried that Trump's poll watchers and assorted fucknuts and yahoos will try to cause trouble.

So I responded, "Oh, fuck those guys. They're not gonna do shit. They're gonna go online and rant for a bit and then jack off to the first big black dick porn they can find. Almost every single one of these worms is just crawling back underground, pissed off that their time in the sun is over. And the rest? If they ever get off a shot, they'll be crushed so fast by the cops and the feds that their ancestors will shit themselves."

Our fear of these pricks is exactly what they feed on. Like virtually all the best terrorists, the threat is more important than the action.

10/25/2016

Donald Trump Gropes Innocent American Flag

Obviously, the sassy flag was asking for it.


More posting goodness tomorrow. Crazy ass day.  

Late Post Today

You know sometimes having a job is like work.

Back later with more employable rudeness.

10/24/2016

When There Is No More Room in Hell, Pat Robertson Interviews Donald Trump

Desiccated ghoul and putative minister Pat Robertson was propped in a chair like a carcass left out in the sun too long in order to interview Republican presidential candidate and elderly yam Donald Trump today. It was, predictably, a combination of lies, savagery, and cold-fingered hand jobs.

There are so many moments of utter idiocy that it's almost hard to pick out the best-worst ones. For instance, talking about the Supreme Court's decision in DC v. Heller, which affirmed the individual's right to fuck up everyone else's day by owning oodles of guns, Trump praised Antonin Scalia and said that the opinion was "his last decision or one of his latter decisions." Which would be totally true if Scalia had blissfully died in 2008, when the Heller decision was issued, but that vile fucker lived another seven years. In other words, Trump has no idea when the Heller case was from.

Then the two old white men talked about third trimester abortions without saying a single honest word about it, and decrying that women should have the right to choose. Trump praised himself for getting "phone calls" from "pastors" who said they had "never heard anyone explain quite the way I explained it" at the recent debate with Hillary Clinton. Unless those callers told him, "Jesus fuck, Donnie, what you said was so much bullshit that you actual gave the nation brain damage," then they were liars.

Trump, who is not only a noted constitutional scholar (no, really, Robertson said that Trump knows more about the Constitution than Clinton) but obviously a medical doctor, went on to say, "Well, according to the rules of Hillary you can take the baby at nine months and you can imagine what you have to do to that baby to get it out. And you can take that baby at nine months and you can abort. And a day prior to birth you can take that baby. And I said that’s unacceptable.” And untrue, but, hey, fuck it, who cares when you can say something that sounds terrifying and the animated corpse of a hatemonger wearing the leathery and yellowed skin of a holy man agrees with you.

For a Jesus-huffer, Robertson sure loves him some war, and he asked Trump about Syria, which made Trump go off on his usual tangent about how Syria means Russia means Iran means something something oh, wait, Mosul. And then he talked about how he thinks the Mosul offensive (which, we should always be reminded, is being fought by the Iraqis and the Kurds, with an assist from us) is going to shit. He repeated his standard complaint that we "shouldn't have warned" anyone about the invasion and that the ISIS leaders probably escaped. Does he understand that the point of the invasion was to drive ISIS out of Mosul? And that if the leadership left, that means it might be easier to retake the city? Or is that just the kind of logic that his 200 generals or whatever the fuck are supporting him might deny? "I think it's being run by Obama," Trump said, as if a president directs the daily operations of a battle.

Honestly, the whole thing was repulsive, like watching two drooling, pox covered goblins face fuck each other while giggling madly and spraying their black orgasm. It ended, as such things do, with a climactic act of complete fucknuttery. Robertson asked Trump to pledge to "never lie" (except for national security because, fuck it, why not) if he becomes president. Trump, who has demonstrably, provably lied repeatedly and did so again during that very interview, agreed because, obviously, that's what liars do.

10/21/2016

Photos That Make Me Want to Shake Up a Bottle of Fullsteam Beer and Spray It in a Legislator's Face


That's a photo of the line to vote early in the presidential election. It's outside the Hope Mills Recreation Center in Hope Mills, North Carolina, where the GOP-controlled legislature has engaged in fuckery in cutting the number of hours of early voting, as well as reducing the number of polling places. This was all in an effort to, oh, shit, what? Save money? Prevent fraud? Which bullshit reason did they give for this?

The idea was to try to make it inconvenient for Democrats to vote, especially non-white Democrats because, as one federal judge said, "African Americans disproportionately used" early voting.

But, if you look at that photo up there, you can see that there are a whole lot of old and/or obese white people in Hope Mills being inconvenienced, too. The town is, after all, nearly 75% white. The county as a whole might have gone to Obama in 2008 and 2012, but the district has elected a Republican to the House for a good, long while.

So good job, North Carolina GOP. You did that. Enjoy your stupidity and cruelty, especially in the wake of Hurricane Matthew.

10/20/2016

Random Observations From Watching Hillary Clinton Sodomize Donald Trump Repeatedly Last Night

1. From the beginning, the tone of last night's third presidential debate (aka "The Time an Orange Pussy Was Grabbed by a Former Secretary of State") was set from the first question from moderator Chris "Do You Still Love Me, Roger?" Wallace. It was about the Supreme Court and how the candidates view the role of the court and the Constitution. Democrat Hillary Clinton offered a thoughtful explanation of the Supreme Court as a check on the powerful. Republican candidate and imploding rage persimmon Donald Trump took a different tactic.

First, he talked about how one justice had totally dissed him: "Justice Ginsburg made some very, very inappropriate statements toward me." Then he veered into the one amendment he apparently has heard of: "We need a Supreme Court that in my opinion is going to uphold the Second Amendment, and all amendments, but the Second Amendment, which is under absolute siege." So don't worry, Third Amendment fans, you still won't be forced to quarter soldiers. In other words, Clinton said something that was real and possible and Trump followed up with ego, fantasy, and lies. That Clinton didn't respond to Trump's every answer with "The fuck are you saying? Yo, Chris, what the fuck is that? Fuck, fucking dumbfuck" before kicking him in the taint and sodomizing him with a dildo on principle is some kind of miracle of self-control.

2. Well, there was that one moment when Clinton said, "Let me translate that, if I can, Chris" when Trump was rattling off a stream of not-really-consciousness about the economy.

3. Clinton let her feminist freak flag fly in full last night with her response on a question about abortion. She gave up the total bullshit line that abortion should be "safe, legal, and rare" because, let's face it, it ain't ever gonna be rare. Instead, she offered absolute support for Roe v. Wade and, when asked about late-term abortions (when Wallace used the anti-choice dog whistle phrase "partial-birth abortion"), Clinton made an impassioned and compassionate case for its necessity: "The kinds of cases that fall at the end of pregnancy are often the most heartbreaking, painful decisions for families to make." Goddamn, it was great to see Clinton get her activist dander up for women's rights again.

3a. Trump responded, in one of his most mentally-challenged moments, that "based on what she's saying, and based on where she's going, and where she's been, you can take the baby and rip the baby out of the womb in the ninth month on the final day. And that's not acceptable." No, motherfucker, that's not an acceptable abortion. It is a c-section, however. No doctor is cutting open women and swinging babies around by their umbilical cords like it's on the end of a slingshot and tossing them in the garbage. To Donald Trump, compassion is what you show people who like you. Everyone else can suck it.

4. Trump, dude, fuckin' marry Putin already and move to Russia where he can rub bear oil on your pendulous man nips.

4a. And what the hell was all that dissing of American intelligence agencies? Trump was on some kind of paranoid rant about how "you don't know" that Russia wasn't behind email hacks when, like, every intelligence group says it was Russia. There are lots of reasons to criticize our spying for its invasion of Americans' privacy (a subject, like climate change, never brought up in the debates), but to go to the mat over what country hacked a private email account is a desperate play for one's lover's attention.

4b. Pendulous. Man. Nips.

5. Yeah, yeah, Clinton still seemed like she's stumbling around when asked about her email server. But, truly, what the fuck else is there to say? "I fucked up," she's told us time and again, and, unless you believe, like Trump, that the FBI is just a big scam to protect Hillary Clinton, how is the whole thing even relevant except as something, anything to use to criticize Clinton?

6. Trump said Clinton was responsible for the following things:
a. His use of Chinese steel in his buildings
b. His not paying income tax for 20 years
c. Women saying that he has assaulted them
d. The timing of the attack to take back Mosul
Seriously, if she's this powerful, we better fuckin' elect her or she's just gonna use her obvious wizard-abilities to murder us all like we're just Vince Fosters in a park.

7. Trump can't help himself with his misogyny. In addition to his condemnation of the women who said he tit-groped, force-kissed, and pussy fondled them, at one point, when Clinton said, "My Social Security payroll contribution will go up, as will Donald's, assuming he can't figure out how to get out of it," Trump proclaimed, "Such a nasty woman." Just to put this in context: By that point, late in the debate, Trump had said that Clinton had committed high crimes, is "crooked" and running a "crooked campaign," and shouldn't even have been allowed run for president. But, sure, implying that Trump, who has said he's proud he doesn't pay taxes, might weasel out of paying for Social Security, that's the nasty part. Trump has never been a position where he had to listen to woman tell him what a piece of shit he is when there was nothing he could do about it.

8. And, of course, Trump proved how this whole thing is just a fuckin' game to him when he said, in answer to a question about whether he would "accept" the outcome of the election, "I will look at it at the time. I'm not looking at anything now. I'll look at it at the time...What I'm saying is that I will tell you at the time. I'll keep you in suspense. OK?" And there it is. This is a goddamn sporting event, a very special episode of The Apprentice: Deplorables Edition to him. You got that sense earlier when he smirked that he should have won an Emmy for his idiot show. He followed up today with a coy "I'll totally accept" the election results "if I win,"

And what does that even mean? Fuckin' hell, Republicans, especially those in Congress, didn't accept Obama's election twice. Trump just said it too early. And Trump doesn't have to concede. That doesn't change the outcome of the election. He can stand there with his dick in his hands and pretend like some challenge he makes will change the outcome. But unless a court accepts it, he either has to lead his idiot hordes into revolution (which he won't and which, with maybe a couple of exceptions, they won't) or he has to slither back to his golden penthouse and pretend his entire life hasn't become a huge goddamn joke.

10/19/2016

Pre-Debate Palate Cleanser: Oh, There's Way More Stupid to Gary Johnson

If you haven't yet watched John Oliver's genuinely brutal takedown of third party candidates Gary Johnson and Jill Stein, do yourself a favor and check it out. You'll get all kinds of bizarro fuckery and Stein's attempt at being Ani DiFranco.

But that only scratches the surface of the things that Libertarian candidate Johnson has on his own website, where everything is written in the drawl of Johnson's middle-aged stoner who just discovered weed is far more potent now than when he was a teenager. For instance, here's the actual language from the section "Environment," which is notable for having no plan for protecting the, you know, environment: "Is the climate changing? Probably so. Is man contributing to that change? Probably so. But the critical question is whether the politicians’ efforts to regulate, tax and manipulate the private sector are cost-effective – or effective at all."

That sort of "Eh, maybe, but whatcha gonna do? Shit happens" approach is pretty much the entirety of the Johnson/Weld platform. (And, by the way, a johnson weld sounds like an incredibly painful and ultimately useless operation to get a bigger penis.) Frankly, Johnson's got a boner for wrecking the environment, being pro-fracking and pro-fossil fuels expansion without trying to mitigate the effects of all of that.

Other issues are treated with basic Republican bullshit, except with an added twist of madness. In "Education," Johnson asserts, "[He] advocated a universally available program for school choice. Competition, he believes, will make our public and private educational institutions better." And Hunger Games will make our students learn how to survive the collapse of society. The mad twist, and, to be fair, he's not the first right-wing politician to propose this, is "he believes we should eliminate the federal Department of Education" and send everything to the states, which means that Alabama could pass a law saying that your Pell Grant can only be used for colleges that teach creationism is true and slavery was awesome.

Now, sure, sure, Johnson has policies that a liberal can love, like being pro-choice and pro-pot and anti-interventionist, but your cool uncle who'll drive you to your abortion and tell you why the Iraq War is bullshit while sharing his stash also has your usual "Oh, fuckin' c'mon" Ron Paul-ish beliefs, like a return to the gold standard for currency, cuts to and privatization of Social Security, and other shit. He likes ludicrous "religious freedom" laws and is against pretty much any gun laws, including schools as gun-free zones. He opposes raising the minimum wage and paid family and medical leave.

In other words, sure, if you're a Republican who cannot stomach a vote for Trump and doesn't give a shit about climate change and just would like to vote for a dumbass without a Hitler complex, well, have at.

(Note: No, I won't be doing one of these on Jill Stein because why?)

10/18/2016

Melania Trump: Narcissist Wife Defends Narcissist Husband in the Most Narcissistic Way Possible

I sat down last night in front of the big-screen at Chez Rude with a tumbler of bourbon to enjoy snow-capped wood nymph Anderson Cooper's interview with Melania Trump, the wife of Republican nominee for president and flaming rage pig Donald Trump. Perhaps I would learn something. Perhaps it would give me an excuse to have several tumblers of bourbon. Instead, what you could glean from the interview was that powder is your friend when you're under bright lights and that Ms. Trump is as much of a narcissistic trash heap as her husband. In fact, she is everything that her husband is, except with proportionately longer fingers and possibly less inclination to maul women.

Let's see if we can count up the hypocrisies, lies, bullshit, and self-promotion that came out of the half-hour we all got to spend in the Trumps' fucking ugly Manhattan penthouse.

1. Melania Trump has no problem attacking the women who have accused her husband of unwanted advances and sexual assault. "This was all organized from the opposition and with the details that they go -- did they ever -- did they ever check the background of these women? They don't have any facts," Trump said, and that's pretty much exactly what the Trump campaign has accused Hillary Clinton of doing when it comes to the women who allege things about her husband. The big difference? If Clinton did try to disparage them, she never fucking did it in an interview or public forum.

2. Nothing is ever her husband's fault. She stated, flat out, "[E]verything was organized and put together to hurt him, to hurt his candidacy." When Cooper pressed her on this, asking if the media and the Clinton campaign were colluding, she responded, " Yes. Of course," as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, that, no shit, Anderson, Access Hollywood and NBC are working together to tank Trump.

3. This is not even to get into the totally pathetic excuse for Trump's campaign-wrecking audio where he admitted force-kissing and fondling women to a giggling Billy "Another Out-of-Work" Bush. "The language is inappropriate, it's not acceptable, and I was surprised because that is not the man that I know," Trump said. "And as you can see from the tape, the cameras were on. It was only a mike. And I wonder if they even knew that the mike was on because they were kind of boy talk and he was led on, like, egg on from the host to say dirty and bad stuff." If, say, Billy Bush had been heard saying, "And what about their pussies? Do you ever do anything to their pussies?" then, sure, that's egging on. But Trump did this on his own, not because of some Vulcan mind meld with bad boy Billy.

4. Did you know there are naked pictures of Melania Trump? Well, she was ready to remind you. Without being asked about them - just about the general treatment of her during the campaign, Trump brought up her early nude photos, reminding us that she has a body, ya'll: "I'm very proud I did those pictures. I'm not ashamed of my body. I feel very comfortable with myself and with my body. And they were taken for a European French magazine. And in Europe, we are proud of our bodies, no matter what size you are. And it was done as art, as a celebration of female body." Yes, Ms. Trump. We get it. You want people to look at the pictures.

5. What the fuck did she mean when she said that negative stories about her "surprised me also because every story, it's a female, it's a female reporter"? Is she saying that women are jealous of her? Of her body? Of her fatuous dick of a husband? Weird.

6. Donald Trump is a "gentleman" who just tells it like it is. You stupid proles misunderstand the depth of his honest honesty.

7. But, truly, the most fucked up thing in the interview was the conclusion, when Cooper asked Trump to fantasize about what she'd do as First Lady. Said a woman whose husband has professionalized trolling and childish name-calling online, "I see now in 21st century, the social media, it's very damaging for the children. We need to guide them and teach them about social media because I see a lot of negativity on it and we need to help them. It has some positive effect as well because this is the life that we live in now, but has a lot of negativity as well."

At that point, the word "hypocrisy" talked about killing himself but didn't do it while irony laughed at him.

Much bourbon was drunk.

10/17/2016

Watch the Debate with Jeff Kreisler and Me in Hoboken (Yeah, Hoboken)

Wednesday night is the last debate, which means that it's our last chance to yell at our screens when Donald Trump doesn't answer a question, insults Hillary Clinton to her face, and generally shits on the stage and democracy.

So why not come and do it with me and with writer/comedian Jeff Kreisler at a cool theatre in Hoboken, New Jersey? We'll be heckling the debate live at the Mile Square Theatre on 14th and Clinton St. You can get tickets in advance.

The show starts at 8:30 and then the main event begins at 9 p.m. There will be laughs. There will be treats. There will be tricks in the alley (probably). Mostly, though, we're gonna be as filthy and mean as we can possibly be

Get your tickets now and come on out. Heckle along with us. And, dear god, we'll get through this. Together, head held high, middle fingers in the air.

(Note: Yes, the trains are running fine.)

Yeah, Sorry, But Fuck Donald Trump's Supporters (and the GOP)

One of the biggest goddamn insults in this entire campaign has actually been propagated by some on the left: that we should reach out to the supporters of Donald Trump - a racially homogenous group who are fairly diverse economically - and try to either convince them to vote Democratic or, at the very least, understand the forces that have made them so resentful. And while this bleeding heart liberal wants to make sure that the poor Trump supporters get all the welfare, job training, housing support, education, health care, and more that we can provide, I'm sure as shit not gonna worry about hurting the feelings of dumb, racist motherfuckers for one big-ass reason.

See, I've lived in many a red state. Three of the states where I've lived are still squarely in the Trump column. I know the assholes who are voting for him: stick-up-the-ass evangelicals, racist fucknuts, proudly stupid drunks, and craven schemers who think Trump is gonna make them rich by some kind of magic. You wanna spend your time trying to tell these freaks and fascists that the Democratic Party is looking out for them, well, have at it. Mostly, what you'll find out is how much they hate having a black man as president and the various ways you can go fuck yourself.

But I know a shit-ton of people down South and in the Midwest, working- and middle-class whites, most of whom never went to college, some not even graduating from high school, who think Donald Trump is a fucking hateful fraud, a showboating pissant, and a giant talking turd. When you try to "figure out" what drives Trump supporters and think that those of us who say, "Yeah, fuck them" are smug coast-clinging liberals, you are insulting the fuck out of the millions of people in Trump country who grew up in similar circumstances and decided that being racist, sexist, Islamophobic, anti-immigrant, and conspiracy-theory-loving jerk is wrong and work to make their area of the United States a little more tolerant and progressive.

The Trump voters not only reject that, but they are actively working to turn back the clock and harm large groups of Americans. And we're supposed to be sympathetic to yahoos who seriously think there is going to be a revolution? Just because they might be addicted to opioids and had a shitty time getting a job that paid as much as the one they lost because of the policies of George W. Bush and are sad that their "way of life" is fading? Get the fuck out of here. (And, again, see the first paragraph. They should get every help the government can provide them.)

A couple of days ago, the Republican Party's office in Orange County, North Carolina, was firebombed by an unknown assailant who was incredibly clear and articulate in the graffiti left on a nearby building. A GoFundMe page was started by a Democrat in Boston to help provide money to rebuild the office, and over $13,000 was raised in a day or so. I totally get it: let's show them how we're good people. Let's take the high road and condemn violence (even though we don't know yet who did this and why). And if you wanna spend your money on that, have at.

But all I can think about is that it's the fuckin' North Carolina GOP, the HB2-lovin' motherfuckers. The gerrymandering, vote-blocking North Carolina GOP. Yeah, sorry, what happened sucks and it's great that no one was hurt, but if my money might help you support Trump or even Senator Richard Burr, I'd rather just give my cash to the homeless guy on my corner who keeps bugging me for change to buy cigarettes.

Why all this hate, huh? Why can't I just be a nice, empathetic liberal? Because we're no longer dealing with anything approaching a rational opponent. Today, John McCain said in an interview that Republicans in the Senate would block any Supreme Court nominee from a President Hillary Clinton. "I promise you that we will be united against any Supreme Court nominee that Hillary Clinton, if she were president, would put up," McCain really did say.

So we're facing a party that is trying to prevent people from voting, with a nominee that is actively inciting people to possible violence in order to undermine the very democracy that got him this goddamn far, and has elected officials who have made it their jobs to simply undo the will of the majority of Americans. I ain't playing nice with shitheels and ratfuckers, and I won't abide pompous blowhards and the fools who follow them.

10/14/2016

A Story of a Kiss for a Friday

Here's a brief story for you:

In the early 1990s I was at a New Year's Eve party at a friend's house in Tennessee. It had been a genuinely fun evening, with wine and weed and music and dancing and heartfelt conversations on the back deck and joke telling on the front porch. The people were a mix: gay, straight, black, white, men, women, older, younger. I was in that latter group back then. One man in his 50s, Lyle, had been flirting with me, and I was pretty clear that I wasn't interested. Near midnight, Lyle found me and, when the clock struck 12, he came up to me for what I thought was a friendly hug. Instead, he put one hand on the back of my head and the other on my neck and, as I resisted and pulled back, he pulled me in and kissed me, sticking his tongue in my mouth. I was stronger and shoved him off me. Almost no one saw, and I made a split-second decision not to say anything and not to make a scene. I told the one person who asked about it that it was no big deal and got another drink. "Yeah, Lyle does that sometimes when he's drunk," the friend told me. The rest of the night, Lyle kept smiling at me as if we had just shared a special, secret moment. I finally left around 4 and headed to Waffle House with some other friends, several of whom had their own Lyle tale.

Now, I'm not telling this story for sympathy. I don't need anyone to wish me well. Give those sentiments to people who have been through far, far worse than that. And I'm not telling the story because I'm trying to say that I understand what women go through, especially, now, the women who are saying that Donald Trump has done the same and more to them. Lyle had no power in my life and was, at best, a distant acquaintance. I had no reason to fear him, no reason to care about him since he could do nothing to me. So I was in very different circumstances and won't pretend to be anything other than an ally to the women who are accusing Trump now.

The reason I'm bringing it up is this:

Trump and his people ask why these allegations are coming out now. Other than the fact that they'd been coming out over the decades and just ignored, that's just a stupid question. If Lyle were running for president and if Lyle had told the entire nation that he had never done anything like what he did to me, then I would go to the media and tell this story because I'd believe that it's important for everyone to know what kind of person they were voting for.

So while I might not be able to fully understand what the women, what nearly all women have experienced, I get why they're speaking up. Trump was attempting to be elected by denying his own actions. He had to be held to account by someone. I'd feel a duty to do so. The weight of responsibility must be heavy on the women coming forward, especially as they are attacked by Trump's idiot hordes and dismissed as liars and slanderers by Trump. But they are still speaking, more and more every day.

Courage these days comes from stating the simple truth and standing by it.

10/13/2016

Donald Trump Won't Go Gentle Into That Good Night, Will Take as Many of Us as He Can

Donald Trump, Republican presidential nominee and Arion slug, has decided that if he's going down in flames, he's gonna take as many of us motherfuckers with him. At this point, Trump is like Hans Gruber at the end of Die Hard, thrown off the tower but grasping onto the hand of a woman as she and John McClane try break his grip before he drags her off, too. Take heart, sweet America: Hans Gruber winds up as a popped flesh balloon at the end. (Oh, sorry. Spoilers.)

Trump is flailing around like someone shoved a spiked butt plug up his ass and he keeps twisting around and around, trying to reach back to pull it out, not realizing how far it's already gone up his own shithole. In the last 24 hours, as the sad-but-oh-so-expected revelations of the number of women he assaulted and ogled grew, Trump has pushed his rhetoric from stupidly unhinged to Mussolini on a meth bender in a speeding Fiat barely clinging to curves on the roads of the Amalfi coast.

His speech today in West Palm Beach, Florida, had him going full Protocols of Zion, declaring, "Hillary Clinton meets in secret with international banks to plot the destruction of U.S. sovereignty in order to enrich these global financial powers, her special interest friends, and her donors." To which, I suppose, one could ask, "Dude, you're allegedly a fuckin' billionaire. Are just pissed that none of those people will return your calls?" Clinton does have connections to the wealthy. No shit. But it's as if Trump made her an honorary Jew so he could get in some antisemitism along sexism. Then he proclaimed there was collusion between the media and the Clinton campaign. "Let's be clear on one thing, the corporate media in our country is no longer involved in journalism," and that'd be true except that the one thing the Trump campaign has done for the nation is revive the role of journalism as at least something of a check on those who might just wreck the joint. (Let's hope this is an awakening that will continue, no matter who is president.)

In that same speech, Trump asked the crowd if he would be so low as to molest a woman who is obviously below his beauty standards. Regarding the reporter from People magazine, Natasha Stoynoff, Trump, who looks like what you'd get if you wiped a tangerine under a refrigerator and let it dry into a wrinkled ball, said, "Take a look. You take a look. Look at her. And look at her words. And you tell me what you think. I don't think so. I don't think so." The crowd was so frothingly supporting him that if he had taken a shit at that moment, the people near the front would have torn each other apart to gobble it up when he finished.

We're not even getting into his attacks on Paul Ryan (who, to be fair, deserves every kick in the nutsack he gets), his threat to sue the New York Times (which was met with a "No, fuck you" from the Times's lawyer) and his accusers, and how his candidacy has pretty much started the implosion of the religious right, along with the GOP and the entire conservative movement.

It'd be great to take pleasure in this, except that it's pleasure built on the agony of every woman he assaulted, every small business owner he dicked over, and everyone he ever treated like shit. Let's just hope things don't keep escalating at this rate. We're not that far from him calling on his idiot hordes to become stormtroopers.

10/12/2016

Hillary Clinton Was a First Lady, a Senator, and a Secretary of State, Not a Witch

It's become a common refrain for Donald Trump and his idiot hordes: Hillary Clinton has "been there" (I guess in Washington, DC, although it's pretty damn vague) for "30 years" (Although when do you start measuring? 1986? But she stopped being Secretary of State in 2013. So 1983? But then "there" ain't DC, but Little Rock, Arkansas. It's so confusing). And, he says, she didn't do anything then that she now wants to do as president. In fact, Trump tweeted that out today in his continuing series "Twitter While I Take a Dump," now in its 7th year of stupidity:



This doesn't make any sense, like most things Trump, who, if he understood basic civics, would know how dumb this sounds. In two of her positions, her job was to enact the will of the President. As a senator, Clinton was one of 100, in the minority party for over half the time she was there, and, when she was in the majority, she was either in the fever swamp of post-9/11 politics or she was facing an historic use of the filibuster by the GOP minority in the 110th Congress; double the filibusters occurred in the Senate than in the previous Congress, when, you know, the GOP was the majority. I know that Republicans think Clinton is a witch, but she couldn't just wiggle her nose and make a bill a law. That goes against the Constitution and Schoolhouse Rock.

So Trump wants to know why Clinton didn't do anything about health care costs? Well, in 2007, she cosponsored the Medicare Prescription Drug Price Negotiation Act, which would have allowed Medicare to bargain with drug companies for lower prices. The House had passed it. And then the Senate killed it with a filibuster.

She cosponsored a bill to require the president to remove troops from Iraq starting in 2007. It was filibustered. She cosponsored a bill to raise the minimum wage. It was filibustered. This is not to mention the bills she sponsored or cosponsored that were vetoed or didn't even get out of committee, like expanding health care for children.

Trump uses this ignorant, fact-free attack especially frequently when it comes to the treatment of veterans, with him constantly asking why she didn't do anything. Staying with that 110th Congress, with something that did pass, Clinton was a cosponsor of the Dignified Treatment of Wounded Warriors Act. That was seen by vets groups as a major success in improving the health care, including PTSD treatment, that returning soldiers received. Another cosponsor? Barack Obama. That seems to be completely the opposite of what Trump asserts. But I'm just someone who does research and uses that to make his points, silly as that might seem.

This is a ludicrous, useless argument. It doesn't get at anything of substance and that's because Trump can't argue substance. He can only argue slogans, and he locks onto something and won't let it go, despite facts, despite its failure as an argument, because, in the end, he has nothing but the promise that he'll be the best with no record to prove that. So, as is his way, he has to make it seem as if Clinton has no record either.

History, very recent history, proves him wrong on Clinton. But his idiot hordes think history starts and ends with their imbecile emperor.

10/11/2016

Trump Didn't Start the Fire, But You Fuckers Can Still Burn

A couple of days ago, former chalkboard humper Glenn Beck called on all "moral" people to oppose Donald Trump for president. His rationale spoke to just how fucking terrible things promise to be if Hillary Clinton is elected but Republicans keep even one house of Congress. See, Donnie Pussygrabber might bring about armageddon, so he's out. But if Clinton is in? Shit, that's just more of the same that we have now: "Once elected, Hillary can be fought. Her tactics are blatant and juvenile, and battling her by means of political and procedural maneuvering or through the media, through public marches and online articles, all of that will be moral, worthy of a man of principal. Her nominees can be blocked, her proposed laws voted down."

And there you have it. The last refuge of the motherfucker who has been fucking mothers for most of his pathetic career is to treat a Democratic woman, elected in a probable landslide, like she's just another filthy nigger who dared to ascend to the presidency. Thus Beck can wipe his hands and say he's clean of the shitstains of Trump.

Rats leaving a sinking ship can at least claim not to have chewed holes in goddamn thing. But not so the stream of Republicans and assorted right-wingers who are abandoning the Trumptanic. To just about a skeevy person, they are the very slop-licking pig fuckers who brought the nation to this point by fostering bigotry through their actions against President Obama, by slashing education budgets and demanding students be taught Rush Limbaugh's version of history and civics, by ignoring poverty and stupidity and saying any programs to assist the poor made them filthy socialists, no better than the inner city people, the "welfare queens" and "gang bangers." They were either active participants in this fucking of the working class, as members of Congress or state and local officials, or as media jizz-squirters, ejaculating idiocy onto the simple-minded and convincing them that it was wisdom.

So, you know, go get fucked by all the donkeys, Glenn Beck, in your desperate attempt to say that you shouldn't be thrown onto the pyre with Trump. You can fuckin' burn, along with McCain and Ryan and Hugh Hewitt and the rest.

The same goes for evangelical Christians. In an editorial in Christianity Today, Andy Crouch implores Jesus huffers to go against Trump, saying that they should love God more than the Supreme Court. And that's all groovy, except for the fact that evangelicals spent the last four years pretending that God gives a flying fuck about lowering taxes on the wealthy, denying health insurance to people, and ensuring that everyone can get as many guns as they want when the very fucking Bible that they supposedly follow either says the exact opposite or doesn't mention it at all. (See: abortion)

Crouch calls Trump an "idolater" of money, of pussy, of many things. But evangelical leaders have been such idolaters that they have fetishized the smell of their own farts. They wanted power and cash, and that shit didn't end in the 1990s. (Yes, there are some good evangelicals. And Tiffany Trump is a possibly nice person.)

I'm not even giving a pass to conservatives who were anti-Trump from the start. Go fuck yourself, George W. and George H.W. Bush, who pushed anti-woman policies and judges. Eat shit, Lindsey Graham, who pimps war like it's the last pretty boy in the gigolo house on a late Saturday night. You fuckers aren't noble. You're just lucky you could identify someone worse than you are.

As we watch the immolation of Donald Trump, I want us to anticipate how many of these dickheads, so antithetical to what the nation is supposed to be about, will go up in flames, too. Then let's piss on their ashes.

10/10/2016

Random Observations on Last Night's Debate Between Hillary Clinton and an Inflamed Asshole

At what point in the 48 hours prior to the debate, between Donald Trump's "grab 'em by the pussy" tape and his entrance onto the stage in St. Louis last night, did the Republican candidate for president and Heathcliff the cat on bath salts decide, "You know what my strategy will be? I'm going to be such a creepy, condescending cocksucker that everyone in the country with a brain will want to punch me right in the throat. That'll win me new supporters, especially among the ladies." Because that's what it seemed Trump had decided, along with "I'm going to be an utter ignoramus on issues that you won't know if I've ever even heard of any topic beyond a talking point I read in the shitter before coming out here."

In a night when Trump sniffed and snorted and hocked verbal loogies all over Hillary Clinton, calling her a "devil...with hate in her heart...[who'd] be put in jail" by a magical special prosecutor, and in a night when Trump was asked
-- a question about his talking about sexual assault and answered, "ISIS,"
-- a question about whether he paid taxes and answered, "ISIS,"
-- a question about the humanitarian crisis in Syria and answered, "ISIS" (which was the one time it was at least regionally relevant),
the most important moment may have been silence, when Hillary Clinton didn't respond to Trump.

Trump had teed up this whole big fuckin' show, having a brief press conference with three women Bill Clinton allegedly assaulted and a woman who was raped when she was 12 and whose rapist Hillary Clinton was appointed to defend. He had wanted the women to sit in the family box so that, at the beginning, Bill Clinton would have to walk past them when they all entered. Instead, they sat in the front row of the audience. So, basically, Trump wanted to freak out Hillary Clinton.

Then he went further, essentially accusing Clinton of aiding and abetting rape: "Hillary Clinton attacked those same women and attacked them viciously." Nothing Trump said was true. Not a motherfucking thing, other than the fact that the women exist and, yes, Paula Jones got a settlement (not a fine, as Trump said). All this shit was litigated, literally, in some of the cases, in the 1990s. If Clinton were Trump, she'd be suing him today.

When it was her turn to answer, she simply...let the whole fucking thing drop. She did the rhetorical equivalent of brushing her shoulder, treating Trump like another simple-minded baboon on a congressional committee trying to get her to break down over Benghazi. She moved on to all of Trump's sins, leaving him looking like the last guy at an orgy, wondering why there are no holes for him to put his tiny, half-tumescent dick in, forced to skulk around and glare at all the people screwing while he eats chips and dip and fucks a piece of furniture.

It's hard to be on the high road. It's lonely. And part of me wanted Clinton to go all "Have you no decency" on his ass. But Trump would have made one of his dumbfuck little faces and said, "Oh, yeah, you can talk about decency" before rambling on about some other Breitbart-based bullshit, that being the only website that is idiotic enough for him to understand.

I could go on. I could talk about how much of what Trump said literally made no fucking sense even when it wasn't a lie. I could make a passing reference to how Clinton didn't really answer the question about what was revealed by Wikileaks, just so you could say, "Oh, look, he's trying to be balanced here."

Instead of that, let's end with this: If you are voting for Donald Trump, you are a piece of shit. You are worthless, you are terrible, and I'm ashamed to say you are my fellow citizens. I have never felt that before about any election, and I've been through two George W. Bush wins. Well, one win. I don't want to reason with you. I don't want to convince you. I want you and your kind to dry up and become dust in the history of the nation.

That's my fucking analysis of that ridiculous goddamn debate last night. Now, can we please fucking talk about climate change and other shit that matters at the next debate? Or do we not want Trump to have to work that hard?

10/07/2016

We Are in This Election Because the Right Couldn't Stop Trying to Destroy Clinton (and the Media Loved It)

In the last week or so, both USA Today and the Atlantic magazine have broken with protocol to weigh in on the presidential election, either to say, "Don't vote for Trump" or "Vote for Clinton." Across the country, newspapers that have traditionally endorsed Republicans have endorsed Hillary Clinton because they see Donald Trump as a danger to the nation. There is a real sense of panic out there in media-land as the potential of a Trump presidency sinks in, making its final transition from bad joke to existential threat.

Republican and conservative fears are especially palpable now. Conservative talk radio host Charlie Sykes faced his side of the political battlements and discovered that there was a void there: "You look around and you see how much of the conservative media infrastructure buys into the post-factual, post-truth culture." It is a void that he understands that he himself helped to create. Sykes was one of the loudest on-air voices talking about fake "voter fraud" in 2008, something that became a rallying cry for people who ignore facts. Sykes is now retiring, perhaps to go work off some of his on-air sins for, as he said, "I am feeling, to a certain extent, that we are reaping the whirlwind at that. And I have to look in the mirror and ask myself, ‘To what extent did I contribute?'"

It's very easy to see how we got to this point where Donald Trump has become the nominee of the Republican Party and where, while he's falling behind further every day, there is still a possibility he can win. And the blame falls on so many of the voices of the right who are now waving their arms frantically, trying to tell the nation to get off the tracks before the Trump train runs them over.

We don't get here without the 25 years of right-wing demonization of Hillary Clinton. We don't get here without every fruitless investigation into something Clinton-related, all political retribution for Bill Clinton daring to be elected president and his wife daring to step out of the prescribed social role of First Lady. On NPR, the genuinely evil Michael Chertoff, who had various roles in the Bush II administration, said he was supporting Clinton this year. And while that is cause for alarm itself, here is what he said about how those investigations affected the safety of the country: "In looking back on that I realized that in the '90s we spent an enormous amount of time pursuing issues involving the Clintons' associations back in Arkansas in the '80s, Whitewater and other things, and we didn't spend nearly the same amount of time on what bin Laden was up to and others were up to in the region." This is the guy who led the probe into the Whitewater land deal, one of the earliest and longest-lasting fake Clinton scandals. He says that Clinton derangement syndrome diverted attention away from real threats.

Without those unending congressional and special prosecutor investigations, as close to a witch hunt as we've gotten in the last few decades, Hillary Clinton would be a respected former cabinet member and senator, not the icon for every bad thing happening around the world because of her innate vileness. And the complicity of the media, in an incredibly general sense, is a factor.

Every time a newspaper or magazine or news organization gave space to fan the flames of every false -gate or every outlandish accusation against Clinton, they were laying the foundation for Trump. Every time a story that started in right-wing media Siberia was picked up by an allegedly more respectable outlet, Trump was closer to rising out of the ooze to bring about a plague on our electoral system. Every time CNN or the New York Times interviewed someone about how terrible Hillary Clinton had hidden law firm documents or travel files, Trump was given form and energy. And every time the GOP or the media exploited ignorant people and pretended that their stupidity was wisdom, Trump lurched ever forward.

Trump doesn't exist as a candidate with a following of millions of people just because Republicans are terrible. He is here because of years and years of denigrating Clinton for illegitimate reasons. And now that there is an actual chance that he would be elected, those same politicians, pundits, and publications are attempting to mitigate their role as accomplices.

In other words, you can endorse Clinton all you want, however hard that is for you. But you just brought this on yourselves.

10/06/2016

Unless You're a Wizard, Shut the Fuck Up, Matt Drudge

There is stupid and then there is deadly stupid. Stupid is "I'm not gonna evacuate my home from a monster hurricane because I love all my shit." Deadly stupid is Matt Drudge, the internet gadfly and human Port-a-Potty.

Because, see, in his Twitter feed and on his website of the godforsaken, Drudge has said that the National Hurricane Center is hyping Matthew and lying about wind speed because they want to "make exaggerated point on climate" change. He has also declared that the winds in Haiti weren't as intense as reported so we shouldn't be as worried because, apparently, meteorologists get off on gridlock and panicked people, I guess.

Oh, by the way, here is what a town in Haiti looked like after Matthew passed by:


Not enough? Here's a part of Cuba where Matthew hit:


Now that shit should scare you into getting the fuck out of your palm tree-rowed mobile home park. But if you listened to conservative talk radio, you might have heard Rush Limbaugh himself today on Oxy the Obese Clown's Analotorium of Fart Noises telling you that Matthew is being hyped because Al Gore needs to prove that climate change is real. No, really: "After Katrina, remember, Al Gore and all the global warming people? They were happy! They were beating their chests like Tarzan out there, and they were saying, 'This is just the beginning! Because of climate change and because of global warming, we're gonna have hurricanes like this every year, many of them.'"

Yes, Big Science is once again trying to protect its precious NSF grants. Just ignore the fact that just because storms haven't hit the United States doesn't mean the storms haven't happened.

If by some shift of direction, Matthew completely misses Florida, well, that doesn't mean the NHC is completely wrong. They adjust the forecast as new information becomes available. It doesn't mean that Drudge is some kind of wizard who can communicate with storms that bear his name. It just means that weather does that wacky shit.

Otherwise, Jesus fuck, fine, just fucking stay there, Drudge readers and Limbaugh listeners. Fucking stay and drown and get your asses reamed by flying debris with your corpses devoured by alligators. You'll end up improving the nation considerably in your absence.

10/05/2016

Observations on a Vice-Presidential Debate-Type Thing

Yeah, yeah, Democratic vice-presidential nominee and beagle on bath salts Tim Kaine lost, blah, blah, blah, go fuck yourself. That ain't really the story of last night's debate between him and Mike Pence, the Republican VP nominee and what you get when a Klansman fucks an armadillo.

Elections and their accompanying debates in a (mostly) two-party system are supposed to be about a conflict of ideologies and proposed policies. It's like "Oh, hey, there's poverty. How the fuck should we fix it? Jobs programs or more tax cuts for the wealthy so they can trickle down on the poor?" See how that works? You can say that one side is bankrupt morally or philosophically. You can say their platform sucks donkey balls. There are always hedges and hyperbole on all sides. But, at the very least, both sides seemed to exist in a generally-accepted version of what we might quaintly call "reality."

This election is different because the two presidential candidates and their vice-presidential sidekicks are operating on competing versions of reality. The Democratic side at least has a foot in the empirical world. The Republican side is operating on a glibly metaphysical level and will tell you that perception and reality are just an illusion, man. Or, you know, they fucking lie to our faces.

So it was that Kaine and Pence met and, yeah, if Kaine were a Republican, we Democrats would be pissed at how he couldn't shut the fuck up in the first part of the debate. Still, Kaine reliably fed the Hillary Clinton campaign lines when he wasn't being Johnny Interruption. But what we should really take away from the evening is that Mike Pence is one scary motherfucker because, in addition to the incredibly appalling things he believes (like forced burial or cremation of aborted fetuses), he can say shit that is just demonstrably wrong with an eerie calmness. Unlike his running mate, who is all sputtering bluster like the worst poker player in history, Pence is the kind of guy who will gently sing you lullabies while he cuts open your belly and dances with your intestines. In serial killer terms, Pence is the dead-souled Jeffrey Dahmer to Trump's batshit Ed Gein.

You can go through the various times that Pence claimed that Trump didn't say something that Trump absolutely said. It was as if Pence thought he could play a Jedi mind trick on the nation, waving his hand and saying, as he really did to Kaine, "Most of the stuff you've said, he's never said." And, except for the fact that Trump did say pretty much everything that Kaine said he said, Pence was totally not a filthy fucking liar, like his running mate.

But something that all the analyses are missing about the debate is that it wasn't actually between two potential vice-presidents. No, because we know from John Kasich that Mike Pence would actually be taking care of the duties of the presidency, like, you know, domestic and foreign policy, it was between a VP and someone who will essentially be president in all but title in a Trump administration. So when Pence was lying about things that are factually untrue, it was alarming in a way that, say, Sarah Palin blathering about some fucking dumb thing wasn't.

For instance, Pence said, "Less than 10 cents on the dollar of the Clinton Foundation has gone to charitable causes," which is such utter bullshit that Jesus Christ himself should have walked on stage, said, "Other cheek this motherfucker," and kicked him in the taint before taking a shit on him and telling him to never call himself a Christian again.

Beyond the lies, the actual policies Pence proposed seem to come from a different reality or they just fucking contradict themselves. "I come from a state that works," Pence said early on. "The state of Indiana has balanced budgets. We cut taxes, we've made record investments in education and in infrastructure, and I still finish my term with $2 billion in the bank." Later, talking about what he sees as a shitty economy (when it isn't), Pence offered, "People in Fort Wayne, Indiana, know different. I mean, this economy is struggling." So Pence is saying that he wouldn't spend any of that $2 billion to help Fort Wayne not be the shithole that it is? You can't have it both ways, Governor Twatflea.

Prior to saying Fort Wayne can go fuck a dead dog, Pence got pissy with Kaine for using, you know, facts to back up the improved economy under Obama. "You can roll out the numbers and the sunny side," Pence weaseled, "but I got to tell you, people in Scranton know different." Well, fuck, not to take out the big ol' number board, but the unemployment rate in Scranton was up around 10.5% in January 2013. Then it plunged to 4.7% by January of this year, before heading back up as more people got back into the work force. But you can bet that the people of Scranton and Fort Wayne are fed a nonstop stream of Rush, Breitbart, and Fox until they no longer have any connection to reality. Like the Trump campaign.

If, as some have said, Pence was setting himself up for a 2020 run, well, that skeevy fucker wouldn't win the presidency if he wore a mask made of Ronald Reagan's face.

10/04/2016

Photos From Mike Pence's State That Will Make You Wanna Punch a Scarecrow in the Nuts


On October 1, the little burg of Aurora, Indiana, just across the line from southern Ohio, held a parade for the opening of the Aurora Farmers Fair. It's an orgy of small-town feel-goodedness, and then Frank Linkmeyer had to go and fuck it all up with his float.

Up there on the float is Donald Trump (or some random fat fuck dressed as Trump) pulling the switch on the electric chair. Seated in the electric chair is Hillary Clinton (or some random dude in drag dressed as Clinton). Presumably her crimes are the ones listed on the poster on the side, the usual array of bullshit like Benghazi and emails and, weirdly, "her health." Trump/Pence signs decorate the trailer display, and it features a grim reaper with a bloody scythe and a Duck Dynasty-ready priest. Oh, and in front is an Easter Island head painted black to represent President Obama.

An Aurora resident posted the photo on her Facebook page, along with her angry statement against it, and the comments are a stream of heartening outrage and soul-crushing defense. The Aurora Lions Club, which sponsors the fair, put out a statement of regret on the float. They don't want to detract from the fun times and fried food and dangerous rides and the chance to touch a piece of steel from the Twin Towers, one of our national relics, endowed with mystical powers. Linkmeyer, who says he's a Democrat, claimed it was all in fun. It's difficult to believe either of those things.

Here we are, as usual, in a presidential election, where people think it's just fun or sarcasm or whatever to keep fantasizing about the murder or execution of one of the candidates. It's as if years of accusing Hillary Clinton of various crimes has had the effect of transforming her into a convicted felon in the minds of idiots. Fuck, just today, I talked to two people I thought were rational adults who told me that the Clinton are responsible for the deaths of over 40 people. (My response: "Do you know how rich someone would be if they went to a conservative news source and said they had evidence to prove that?")

It's great that some people are actually upset by the float, but that's mostly because they don't like how it makes their shitkicker town look. I can tell you that small towns in Indiana are filled with some of the most racist, hateful pieces of cow dung in the country. The district where Aurora sits in its own filth elected climate-denying Luke Messer to Congress, and he huffs Mike Pence's asshole deeply. That float was more honest about the state than any of its detractors who are damned to live there.

(Note: This blog used Trump dying by autoerotic asphyxiation as a metaphor for his choking during the debate. That wasn't murder or execution. That was accidental and self-inflicted. And kind of funny.)

10/03/2016

What Fucking Decade Does Donald Trump Think This is?

On Twitter, Republican candidate and a man who moisturizes his face with cheddar, Donald Trump, tweeted one of his "Thoughts from my shitter," this time about battle strategy. "Just announced that Iraq (U.S.) is preparing for battle to reclaim Mosul. Why do they have to announce this? Makes mission much harder!" he wrote while, no doubt, a Filipino child used eagle feathers and an original copy of the Constitution to wipe his ass.

Trump has used this line of what we might generously call "thinking" before. Often, in fact. It's one of his big talking points, that he has a strategy to take down ISIS but he won't share it because he doesn't want to tip off the enemy, and that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama just keep announcing their plans and thus they are failures. You gotta wonder if Trump understands that we're not living in the 1940s or even the 1960s anymore. You can't just sneak attack with thousands of troops anymore. There are satellites and drones and other surveillance shit all over the place that will see that you happen to be moving equipment and soldiers and ships and planes into strategic positions prior to an attack. This is not to mention that we're not at war with a nation, so we at least pretend to try not to kill this fuck out of noncombatants.

It seems that knowledge about just about anything for Trump stopped sometime around 1985 or so. When he goes off script at rallies and starts riffing, he sounds like a poor man's Don Rickles trying to make Peter Lawford laugh his ass off at a Dean Martin's Celebrity Roast by insulting Phyllis Diller's looks (google it, children). Trump delighted the crowd in Pennsylvania this weekend by doing broad physical schtick, imitating Hillary Clinton passing out, and heading into insult humor: "I don’t even think she’s loyal to Bill, if you want to know the truth," he said, the idiot hordes reacting in fake shock and utter delight. "And really, folks,” Trump continued, like George Burns with brain damage, “really, why should she be? Right? Why should she be?"

In that same speech, Trump sounded like every stereotypical old man ever when he became a film critic for a moment. "Right now, you say to your wife: ‘Let’s go to a movie after Trump.’ But you won’t do that because you’ll be so high and so excited that no movie is going to satisfy you. Okay? No movie. You know why? Honestly? Because they don’t make movies like they used to — is that right?” No, they don't, motherfucker. They make movies that star black people and Hispanics and even the occasional Asian and, goddamnit, there are female Ghostbusters, probably bleeding from their wherevers while not being afraid of no ghosts.

Seriously, every Trump line not in the teleprompter could end in "ring-a-ding-ding," like he's the last living Rat Pack member, and it would sound exactly the same.

This existence in the past and this desire to turn the nation back to that past comes through most strongly in Trump's sexism. Oh, how he longs for a time when you could tell a woman to shut up because men were talking and you could leer at a hot chick with the big gazongas and an ass so tight you could bounce a nickel off it without fear of being called a "sexist pig." For instance, he thinks that you can fire women for not meeting his standards for attractiveness.

The revelations that Trump was a lewd and harassing piece of shit on the set The Apprentice aren't shocking in the least because Trump, in speech, taste, dress, and decorating approach, isn't living in a time where commenting on the looks of your employees is seen as problematic, if not actionable. Trump would talk about how fuckable a woman was, and he seemed to relish asking men if they would fuck a particular woman, often in front of the woman. Chances are that if you challenged Trump on that, he'd tell you that you're being politically correct and that he hires women and hey, that woman looks like Ivanka, but Ivanka is hotter.

Some of Trump's living in the past is just excusable for a man who is 70. Fuck, fine, call it "cyber," Gramps. But other times, it's just goddamned sinister, as when he says, as he did about prosecuting criminals, "I think we need to go back to a little more old-fashioned method of thinking." What might that mean? Shit, he probably can't tell you because he wants it to be a surprise.

In speech, in manner, in approach to life, Donald Trump is living in the time of the white male dinosaurs, not realizing that the asteroid has already wiped out his way of life.