Republicans Will Shit on Your Lawn and Tell You It's Your Fault

Let us say, and why not, that one day you decide to put up a "Hillary Clinton for President" or "I'm with her" sign on your front lawn. It's your lawn, right? You're allowed to choose what signs to stick in the ground. Now let us say, and, indeed, why not, that you get up the morning after you put out the sign to discover that someone has ripped up the thing and taken what appears to be a human shit on your lawn. That just pisses you off. You get another sign. You clean up the shit. And then the next morning, the same thing happens. Ripped sign. Shit on your lawn. You get a third sign, and this time you set up a surveillance camera to see what's going on. Reviewing the footage the next day, you see your neighbor walk into your yard, rip up your Clinton sign, drop his pants, and take a shit on your lawn.

You walk to your neighbor's house and say, "Yo, Dan, what gives? Why are you ripping up my sign? Why are you shitting on my lawn?" And Dan explains that he thinks that sign represents a danger to himself and his family. "And the shitting on the lawn?" Dan explains that he does that so you'll stop putting the sign back up. "Wait, wait, wait," you say. "You're telling me that you're gonna shit on my lawn until I give up putting out the Hillary sign?" Dan nods, and he tells you that you're to blame. You just keep putting that sign up. What else can he do but tear it up and shit?

"You could try not tearing up the sign. You could go shit in your toilet," you attempt to reason with him. Dan's not hearing it. It's a simple proposition: you put up the sign. You deserve the shit. You don't want shit on your lawn? You know what to do. When you threaten to call the cops, Dan says it's fine. You might get rid of him. But others in the neighborhood will start to shit on your lawn, too. They have to. It's just what they do when they see the Clinton sign. Rip and shit. And if you'd just do exactly what they want, the shitting will end. Well, unless you put up some other sign they don't like.

Whenever I read something that tells me that the Clinton presidency is going to be endless congressional investigations (something that I bemoaned back in 2008, but that was when we had a choice of Clinton or Obama, not Clinton or an inside-out pumpkin), I want to say to the people who have made their living chasing chimeric Clinton crimes, "Is this the life you wanted? Constantly trying to prove that these two people are evil? Is that your white whale? You know that Moby Dick ended up smashing the ship and killing Ahab, right?"

In today's Washington Post, Marc Thiessen writes in his latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "wet sharts of a brain-damaged torture apologist") about how a Clinton presidency will usher in a whole new series of "Clinton scandals." He helpfully reviews, "In the 1990s, it was Whitewater, the firing of White House travel aides, Madison S&L, cattle futures and bimbo eruptions. Today, it is the Clinton Foundation and her private email server. And tomorrow — who knows?"

Now, if you're aware that there is a historical record, you'd recall that Whitewater, Travelgate, the cattle futures, and the Madison Savings and Loan added up to a big resounded nothing for the Clintons followed by a sad trombone and the bill for millions and millions of dollars paid by the American people. Oh, yeah, they got Bill Clinton lying under oath about face fucking an intern and made the country pay dearly for it with the humiliating spectacle of the impeachment. Otherwise, the "Clinton scandals," the ones that Republicans have pursued, are a series of manufactured lies. These are not scandals. They are just shit that the GOP made up and called "scandal" and they got everyone else to go along with it.

And now we're supposed to feel queasy because Republicans have promised to keep shitting on our lawns.

As Paul Waldman points out, the savagely excessive reaction to FBI Director James Comey's bullshit letter saying that something vaguely related to Hillary Clinton might be in a bunch of emails on Anthony Weiner's computer is "a preview of the next four years." It'll be a series of innocuous nonsense that can be spun to look hinky that will be pumped up into the greatest scandal in the history of forever and screaming cocks will scream on TV and Alex Jones will sweatily shriek how lizard people are behind it and then some fuckin' congressional committee will investigate for years, subpoenaing the fuck out of innocent government workers who will be forced to pay for lawyers they can't afford in the hopes that some tiny dingleberry of law-breaking will shake out of the hairs on the asshole of Lady Justice. That's what they tried to make this Comey thing become, except for the fact that, as of now, all that's there is a goddamned letter and a bunch of emails that likely say shit like, "Damn, Broad City's a funny show. We should get HRC on it."

But, you know, if there is a big enough tide in the election, Republicans can be denied their committees, their subpoena power, and, really, what has been, for the last 25 years, their pathetic reason for existing.