Note to Republican Voters Post-New Hampshire: Are You Really This Dumb?

Walking dick joke Donald Trump sailed easily to victory in the New Hampshire primary last night in the wake of a bizarro rally where he called Ted Cruz a "pussy." Yeah, yeah, it doesn't matter that he was repeating what a woman in the audience yelled. He chose to say it, he smirked and practically jacked off while he said it, and so, yeah, he called Cruz a "pussy."

Truth be told, Ted Cruz is more of a cunt and a prick and a huge asshole, but let's be clear as to why Trump degraded Cruz. It was because Cruz was iffy on whether or not he'd allow the torture of prisoners through waterboarding. To Trump, this was an outrage because, as he says so often while karate chopping the air with his stubby hands, ISIS beheads people - Christians, damnit. So the crowds cheer when Trump says he's going to allow waterboarding "and worse" (although he won't define what "worse" is because he doesn't want to tip his hand to the enemy). That's what makes you a "pussy" in Trumpworld: The barest desire to not be a savage animal. Even Ted "Carpet Bomb" Cruz doesn't make the cut.

The results of the New Hampshire primary were fucking frightening because 47% of the GOP voters chose the crazy candidates: Trump and Cruz. That's more than the next four establishment candidates combined. In Iowa, Trump and Cruz together got nearly 52% of the voters, which, obviously, is more than all the rest. Right now, polls in South Carolina have Trump and Cruz taking the votes of 55-56% of Republicans.

So the only question to those voters is simple: "How fucking dumb are you?" And the simple answer is: "We're really fucking dumb, man."

Look, it's easy to see the appeal of Trump to angry white people who have been stripped of power and, rather than blame other white people, want to blame immigrants and Muslims and that Negro in the White House. Dumb people believe that blatant shows of power are the only way power exists. So if we're not sending soldiers to kill the fuck out of foreigners, then we must be a bunch of, well, shit, pussies. Dumb people like to try to connect themselves with successful people, like the lickspittles who try to get into the popular kids' circle at prep school. Dumb people do this even if the successful person is a raging hemorrhoid of a human being. And dumb people don't care if they are lied to, repeatedly, if the lies confirm their irrational and unshakeable biases and hatreds. That's the secret to the right-wing media and it's the secret to Trump.

Look at his victory speech last night, said to a room of slobbering cattle who would bend over and drop their pants if Trump said he wanted to brand their asses with a giant "T." Trump just makes shit up as he goes. "We're going to rebuild our military. It's going to be so big, so strong, so powerful. Nobody is going to mess with us, believe me, nobody. Nobody," he said. Do you, Trump voter, really believe that terrorists are going to be intimidated by a big military? Yeah, sure, some ISIS member is gonna think, through the haze religious fervor and amphetamines, "Well, I'm supposed to shoot up that mall for Allah, but I don't know. President Trump has sure made the military huge." You probably do believe that because you are dumb.

Or when Trump said, "I am going to be the greatest jobs president that God ever created." What the fuck does that even mean? And then he just went completely shit-tossing crazy: "Don't believe those phony numbers when you hear 4.9 and 5 percent unemployment. The number's probably 28, 29, as high as 35. In fact, I even heard recently 42 percent." At the height of the Great Depression, the unemployment rate was 25%. He's just pulling numbers from various reports, like he clicked through a few links after googling "real unemployment rate." If 42% of workers were unemployed, we'd've already lined up people like Trump to shoot dead and turn into a terrible stew.

And then there was shit that represents a fundamental stupidity about how the world of politics is different from the world of business. Trump said, "We're going to beat China, Japan. We're going to beat Mexico at trade. We're going to beat all of these countries that are taking so much of our money away from us on a daily basis," he said. Motherfucker, those are some of our biggest trade partners. Are you gonna levy tariffs? They'll tariff the shit out of our goods and wreck the economy.

These aren't policy disagreements. These aren't ideological differences over the level of taxes on the wealthy, for instance. These are just layers of bullshit on top of layers of bullshit to create a parfait of bullshit.

But none of this matters to Trump voters. Because they're that dumb. And Trump's rise is a hilarious failure for a Republican Party that wanted to make its voters dumb enough to vote against their interests. Well, those motherfuckin' chickens are home to motherfuckin' roost.

The GOP is so lacking in anything like a legitimate moral center that the most immoral asshole in the room is going to be your standard bearer. Congratulations on nearly eight years of delegitimizing the presidency and several decades of saying that government itself is bad. You've finally gotten your perfect candidate.