Iowa: Who the Fuck Cares?

Now that the Iowa caucuses are over and the people of the state can go back to...what?...fucking their asses with corncobs?...it's time for us to parse the exhaustingly meaningless exercise in fake democracy. You have to wonder why there aren't mass suicides among the reporters who have been forced to live in the desolate winter hellscape of Iowa for weeks. You have not known despair until you have been surrounded by plowed corn or wheat fields, filled with dried dirt and patches of snow. It isn't quaint. It isn't charming. It's fucking depressing when gray dirt meets gray sky. So, sure, you can either caucus or go on a killing spree.

What did we learn? Well, other than that rabid religious twat mites will vote for whatever crazed fucker jacks off to Jesus hardest, we learned that delegates can be awarded by the toss of a goddamn coin. It would have been more fair to put up photos of Sanders and Clinton and let a monkey toss shit at one and declare the other the winner.

Otherwise, the Rude Pundit isn't going to justify this overwrought spectacle by searching for any meaning in the results. Yeah, it was fun to see Donald Trump act like he had just been punched repeatedly in the balls. Yeah, it's great that young people turned out to caucus for Bernie Sanders. Yeah, Chris Christie oughta feel like shit. But, really, all this pretense to believing that Iowa tells us anything other than which asshole is gonna feel awfully fuckin' smug for a week or so is a gigantic waste of time and effort.

If you wanna learn anything, look at what the candidates said in victory and pseudo-victory.

For instance, dickfaced shitsmear Ted Cruz, a man whose voice sounds like he molests rodents, went on a mad ramble of a speech, pretty much proclaiming his win of not even a third of the voters in Iowa was tantamount to the second coming of Christ plus the greatest blow job ever times a smoking gun Benghazi email. Enjoy some uncut batshit: "While Americans will continue to suffer under a president who has set an agenda who is causing millions to hurt across this country I want to remind you of the promise of scripture. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Iowa has proclaimed to the world, morning is coming. Morning is coming. From day one this campaign has been a movement. For millions of Americans to organize, to rally, to come together." The word "joy" is not what comes to mind when the Rude Pundit thinks of Ted Cruz. "Ferret rape" and "child beating" seem more appropriate.

Cruz had opened his over half-hour long speech with "Let me first of all say, to God be the glory." That went along with third place finisher Marco Rubio saying, "I thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ, I thank God for allowing me the opportunity to come this far with each of you." Seriously, if Jesus came back and said, "You know what I really want? Some filthy scat play," Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio would volunteer their faces for him to shit on.

Rubio's speech was even more pathetic than Donald Trump's brief "Well, shit" admission of loss. The demi-senator from Florida acted like he had been asked to prom by the hot captain of the football team. He said, "For months, for months they told us we had no chance. For months they told us because we offer too much optimism in a time of anger, we had no chance. For months they told us because we didn't have the right endorsements or the right political connections, we had no chance. They told me that we have no chance because my hair wasn't gray enough and my boots were too high. They told me I needed to wait my turn, that I needed to wait in line. But tonight, tonight here in Iowa, the people of this great state have sent a very clear message."

Dude, you came in third. Apparently, pride is one of those sins that you can just forget about whenever it's convenient.

Well, it's on to New Hampshire and more fuckery. You can bet, though, that you will have never seen political savagery like Trump going after Rubio and Cruz for the next week. He will be dining on their viscera by Saturday's debate, which, you can also bet, he won't be skipping.