Five Questions Deleted from the Pentagon's Survey of Soldiers on Don't Ask, Don't Tell:
Now that the Department of Defense has decided to start, ahem, polling the troops on the consequences of repealing the absurd Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, it has put together a survey with a bizarre focus on showering with the gays. Because, as any kid in a gym class will tell you, the shower is a sanctuary of purity. It's an online, voluntary survey, so the results will be as unscientific as a game of Dungeons and Dragons.
However, a few questions were taken out of the survey for being "too suggestive."
1. If you see a naked service member of the same sex in the shower, would you:
A. Think about how back in high school, you had a wonderful night of exploration.
B. Create elaborate fantasies about group sex and tell a leader about them in excruciating detail.
C. Pray like a motherfucker to put those thoughts out of your sinful head.
2. If you are in your barracks and a fellow service member you know is gay is masturbating in the bunk next to you, do you:
A. Ask if he/she is thinking about you.
B. Masturbate, too.
C. Tell yourself that it's just Satan making him/her do it and flog yourself repeatedly.
3. If you are at war and under fire and the only service member who can assist you is gay, do you:
A. Just let yourself get killed.
B. Allow yourself to be assisted and then call the service member, "Fag" or "Dyke."
C. Are you fucking kidding? Straight, gay, I'd go down on him/her all night if he/she saved my ass.
4. If you were to have anal relations with a service member of the same sex (which may or may not involve a dildo), would you be:
5. Can we watch?
C. Watch? Hell, join in.