Election Day: Nine Ways Republicans Will Try to Make Obama's Victory Illegitimate (You Don't Get to Read This Until You've Fucking Voted):
This time around, the machines were working at the Rude Pundit's precinct. The first thing he did after pushing the magical buttons was to call the Rude Brother and say, "I just voted for a black guy for president. How crazy is that?" It's not, of course, that it's a leap of beliefs for the Rude Pundit. It's having the opportunity. And, totally non-cynically, that was just goddamn cool. The fact that Obama's gonna win? Well, let's not blow our loads yet.
Despite the fact that George W. Bush was installed in office in 2000 after losing the popular vote and, as proven later, the electoral vote, that won't stop Republicans from claiming that even a true landslide (not the 51% that Bush claimed was a "mandate" in 2004) is proof that the election was stolen by Democrats like a sleeping baby from out of a crib by a mad elf. Let's not wait for Rick Davis or some other McCain campaign bucket of spooge to screech nutzoid excuses to Wolf Blitzer. Here's what they'll say:
1. "Barack Obama's grandmother died before Election Day. Should her early vote count? Or isn't that just typical Chicago politics (even if she lived in Hawaii)?"
2. "Sarah Palin's witch hunter pastor says that John McCain was a victim of voodoo, hoodoo, and demonic intervention because November 4 is so close to Halloween."
3. "If the Supreme Court doesn't declare Obama the winner, it doesn't count."
4. "Obama's voters are brainwashed socialist hordes who were ordered by subliminal text message to do the Democrats' bidding or face immediate bombing by Bill Ayers and a sound 'goddamning' from Jeremiah Wright while being forced to buy cheap real estate from Tony Rezko."
5. "The Diebold electronic voting machines received the wrong orders after they were hacked. Oh, shit, did I just say that?"
6. "Election workers in Gary, Indiana, and elsewhere were confused when people showed up dressed as Mickey Mouse and Dr. Seuss, just like it said on their ACORN registration cards."
7. "White Americans were frightened by the thought of rioting, basketball player strikes, and a bunch of really bad protest hip-hop if Obama lost."
8. "Republicans were confused when they saw John McCain's name above Sarah Palin's on the ballot."
9. "America just voted a black guy with a weird name in as President. C'mon, Wolf. That can't be real."
(By the way, for bugfuckery about this sort of thing in its purest form, check out this entry from the ironically titled blog "American Thinker.")
Finally, if you still haven't voted and you need a kick in the ass to go do it, whether you're in a swing state or not (remember: the bigger the popular vote, the longer the honeymoon), here's a booting from the rude past: "Why Vote Against Republicans? Because Fuck Them."
Back tonight to finally come all over the right wing's stupid face.