4/15/2008

How Badly Does Conservative Spooge Bucket Kevin McCullough Want to Fuck Barack Obama? (Part 2):
Whenever the unceasing insanity of our political process gets to be too much, whenever the cocktail of nauseating intentional evil and just plain fucktardery of the Bush administration gets too vile, whenever the mainstream media's role as the idiots in a crowd yelling, "Fight, fight" to two sloppy drunks becomes too obvious, the Rude Pundit knows where he can go for a reliable laugh and a feeling of vast superiority. That'd be over at Townhall.com, the toilet for flushable conservative opinion. And no one kicks out the hysterical finger-pointing that's really just the muffled cries from a very deep closet like Kevin McCullough.

McCullough is so over-the-top in his attacks on Barack Obama's morality that, indeed, the leader of the "Musclehead Revolution" (no, really) must long to be bent over his desk, his face pressed against a cross so that it leaves a mark, while the Illinois senator rides his ass bareback until McCullough jizzes all over his blotter. Indeed, it'd be better, truly, if it was a kind of rape fantasy, where McCullough just senses Obama's in the room and, not able to escape, drops his pants without ever turning around and spreads his butt cheeks to await his "punishment." Goddamn, how many keyboards must McCullough go through in a month as he spanks his demi-tumescent peter at the thought of Obama's cock attaining rough purchase against his prostate.

For in his latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "an adolescent biracial bondage dream"), McCullough asks "Why Does Obama Hate Marriage?" And if you can't guess why a self-hating homosexual would think Obama hates marriage, you haven't been alive for the last few years. Bottom line: Obama doesn't hate the fags. Therefore, he hates marriage.

It's pure high-larity to read McCullough screech, regarding Obama's support for the employment non-discrimination act (ENDA), "So stifling would ENDA be in fact that if a Youth Pastor who works with young boys in a church program got caught in an inappropriate relationship with them, ENDA would make it nearly impossible for the church involved to fire the youth pastor." Insert your own Pope-ready Catholic Church joke here.

As for Obama saying that he would like to get rid of "Don't ask, don't tell" in the military, McCullough declares, "Senator Obama on the other hand would prefer for as much sexual expression as one could possibly express. Keep the porn. Adultery is no big deal, and let 'em have homosexual engagement and behavior on base to their heart's desire." God, what a sweet image McCullough's latency conjures: entire barracks devoted to cocksucking and assfucking, with one corner set aside for the rim job brigade and another for the unit-fluffing unit.

McCullough brings it all back to the invisible sky wizard theory of social engineering: "Perhaps it is important to note what [marriage] has always been: one man, one woman, in sexual monogamous fidelity for life. It was established by God for three purposes, to civilize men, to protect women, and to nurture children." There ya go: the argument that you can't argue with because to do so would be to confront madness.

And to have to overcome the subtext of McCullough's attacks. Barack Obama has "tasted some of the fruit," he writes. The Senator supports gays "with all his might."

Puh-lease, girlfriend. Do us all a favor and learn to savor the delicious moment just before tongue touches dick head, the hip-shaking agony of release into the muscular ass of another. Really. And, you know, since anyone can make up any shit about God, let's say that the Big Guy wants you to be true to yourself.