Pre-Super Tuesday Results Palate Cleanser: How Would Jesus Vote?:
Man, the sight of the religious right twisting in the wind this election cycle is quite the spectacle. It's pathetic, appalling, and hilarious at the same time, like watching a homemade video of a fat guy trying to jack himself off while he blows his dog. That fat guy's gonna hurt himself, you think, and he's gonna end up with nothing more than a mouthful of retriever jizz. And, really, does he deserve anything else?

You can witness evangelical conservatives gasping for air over at iVoteValues.org, the website put together by the Family Research Council and Focus on the Family (joint motto: "Since Jesus never got to vote, we're just makin' shit up"). It's a wonderful resource for all things that "values voters" need to know before going into the voting booth. "Values," of course, to the religious right, means, "Shit we say the bible says you should do."

They answer all your questions, even things that you'd think a retarded monkey might already know, like, really, "What is Voting?" And because the incoherent answer to that simple question seems like it's been written by an insane preacher on a combination of scrips and meth, it deserves to be quoted in full:

"Voting is a simple act with a significant impact. Voting is the way that 'we the people' elect individuals who will lead our government, make our laws, and protect our freedoms. It is also one of the ways Citizen Christians can function as salt and light to bring about change in our nation.

"'It is a moral outrage that more Christians do not take their voting responsibilities seriously. If they did, this would be a very different nation, and a better one.' - James Dobson, Psychologist and Author

"Voting is a privilege that many people in other parts of the world can only dream about. Voting is a great privilege, but it is also a great responsibility. Exodus 18:21 (NIV) says, 'Select capable men from all the people--men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain--and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties, and tens.' Acts 6:3 (NIV) says: 'Choose...men from among you who are known to be full of the Holy Spirit and wisdom. We will turn this responsibility over to them.' Voting is foundational to our form of government, and it is inexcusable for Christians not to obey the command of Christ to participate in government by voting (see Matt. 22:21)."

Goddamn, did these people really control a large swath of our political discourse for a generation? Because that's like listening to some filth-covered corner maniac screaming end of days declamations, and not a particularly articulate maniac, either.

The whole thing is like the Idiot's Guide to Democracy for Lickers of Christ's Wounds. For instance, after you've registered to vote, gotten a friend to register, and then voted your "values," iVoteValues tells you to "pray." To which the Rude Pundit can only say, "Word, motherfuckers." But, hey, it's not just praying for someone to get elected who ain't gonna blow shit up. No, no. It's a lot more precise, as in: "Pray that God would give us godly men and women as leaders who fear the Lord and honor Him (Proverbs 29:2)" and "Pray that all our leaders would come to know Christ and follow Him (1Timothy 2:3-4)." So that whole "Judeo" in "Judeo-Christian" is just like putting a Guns and Ammo cover on a chicks with dicks magazine.

Speaking of, the FRC and FotF provide plenty of rhetorical ammo for Christian voters who wanna speak out for the act of voting. Many of them are admonitions from people like Noah Webster, who said, "When a citizen gives his suffrage to a man of known immorality he abuses his trust; he sacrifices not only his own interest, but that of his neighbor, he betrays the interest of his country." But, one presumes, if that "man of known immorality," like, say, drug use and alcoholism, finds hisself some Christ and starts to scourge hisself clean with a loofah o' Jesus's love, well, then it's all good to vote for someone like George W. Bush.

What runs through the website and through the desperate upper-lip sweat of Mike Huckabee is the gut-twisting fecal smell of fear. They have prayed themselves into insignificance, these devolved demi-people who float on waves of ignorance and willful blindness. The majority of this country is sick of them. And the movement is done. Jerry Falwell died in the nick of fuckin' time. The rest of the right has said that the lunatic Huckabee can go fuck himself. Sure, McCain and Romney will pay lip service so that religious right know that they can have a seat at the children's table should they be elected. And Obama and Clinton won't even allow them in the back door.

So, and it can't be said loud enough, hallelujah, praise some god or other or not, the religious right won't get to shove its superstitious, backwards ass agenda down our American throats once again. Now that's progress.