The President and the Pantsless Press Conference:
Let us say, and why not, that at the beginning of George W. Bush's press conference yesterday in the Rose Garden, the President of the United States swaggered up to the podium wearing no pants. Completely pantsless. No underwear, no slacks, no jock strap, nothin'. Just hangin' brains and shinin' moon for all to see. And it wasn't one of those oh-so-cute "Emperor's New Clothes" kinds of moments yer pundits and analysts are so proud of bringing up. Oh, no. Let's say Bush knew perfectly well he wasn't wearing pants. In fact, in his opening remarks, he'd say something like, "Some of you are wondering why I'm not wearing pants. It's because I'm not wearing pants," for, indeed, perhaps such things are self-evident.

Then the questioning would have commenced. Sure, sure, the gathered media would have asked obvious questions: "Mr. President, in reference to your nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, why aren't you wearing any pants?"

And maybe the first time Bush would have answered, with confidence, yanking on his dick, "I've known Harriet for over a decade. I've worked with Harriet. She's a woman of principle and character. She's highly intelligent. She has been a pioneer in the field of law in my state of Texas. So I'm not wearing pants because, see, a President's job is to do what he wants. I'm not wearing any pants. It's up to the Congress and the people to decide if they want to stop wearing pants."

But then, with the questions mounting about Harriet Miers and his lack of pants, Bush would have gotten irritated: "I just described to you why I picked Harriet. I'd be glad to go over it again if you like. In other words, she's eminently qualified. She shares my judicial philosophy. She is a pioneer when it comes to the law. She's an extraordinary woman. And I don't give a darn about what people think: I'm not wearing pants." Then, unintentionally stating that all Republicans have decided to toss away their pants, Bush would say, "Whether or not there's a fight about pants wearing is up to the Democrats" before ripping a huge fart and declaring, "Farts feel so much better when there's no pants to hold 'em back."

The gathered media members would have pressed their case on different fronts, to be sure. They might have asked, "Regarding the government's response to Hurricane Katrina, Mr. President, why aren't you wearing any pants?" And then Bush would have rolled his eyes and ground his teeth, saying, "I think that the notion of helping people immediately worked pretty good. It worked good because the government responded with the checks; it also worked really good because our individual citizens responded in an incredibly generous and compassionate way." Then, pointing to his dangling nutsack, he'd say, "You know what else works good? The way the air dries the sweat on my balls. Write that down, Wendell - no pants means drier balls."

In the midst of the press conference, the President might have squatted right on the platform and started to take a shit, listening as he was asked, "Can you reconcile how you offer a positive assessment of the war in Iraq while Republican senators say the situation is getting worse with the fact that you're not wearing any pants?"

Grunting and sweating, the President would say, "See, when you don't have pants it takes less time to make a poop. That's time that can be spent thinkin' about the war, and I think about it every day. I'm streamlinin' the process to get the shit out of me when I don't have to pull down my pants, 'cause I'm not wearin' any."

All we got out of yesterday's exercise in watching the President mindlessly scratch his nuts was that he is not to blame for anything, he knows what he's doing, he's already solved every problem if everyone'd shut the fuck up, and those fuckers in Congress better do what he says or he's sending in the military. About Miers, we learned, simply, that she's pro-life and that, as we should have suspected, Bush knows everything about her.