Cheney: Our Military Is Ragtag and Unorganized:
Whenever the viscous-goo-that-slouches-like-a-man known as Vice President Dick Cheney slimes up to a podium to speak, flowers lose their petals, butterflies drop from the sky, and a pall of doom and darkness is cast throughout the land so that toddlers sense it in their chilled bones and begin to cry, in unison, uncontrollably. Cheney is our misanthropic government's master of dark arts, his purpose to offer visions of a world on fire the likes of which would make Satan himself scratch his balls' black van dyke and mutter, "Those're goddamn fine flames, goddamn fine flames," itching for the end of the miracles of technology that keep Cheney alive so that the Vice President may finally die and rightfully join the devil by his side to assist in rule over the damned.

So it was that Cheney belched and spat puss at the gathered veterans at the National Convention of the Military Order of the Purple Heart. Amid his usual recitation of the myriad horrors that have afflicted the world since, well, he and Bush took office, Cheney offered this heartwarming anecdote about Iraq: "In Iraq, terrorists have slaughtered innocent people in marketplaces, in restaurants, in private homes, at police recruiting stations, in a hospital, and outside a mosque. They have beheaded bound men in front of cameras, and killed UN employees and international aid workers. Earlier this summer, as American soldiers were giving candy to children, a suicide bomber drove into the crowd, killing 18 boys and girls and an American soldier." Yes, Iraqis are serious about teaching their children not to take candy from strangers.

But beyond lessons in childhood safety, Cheney offered a truly bizarre take on the U.S. forces in Iraq. See, despite being the "best-trained, best-equipped" military in the world, the Americans in Iraq are really just the same scruffy lot that fought the American Revolution. Farted Cheney, "The victories in 1776 were few, and the condition of the Army was dreadful. By Christmastime our men were cold, hungry, and exhausted, and many of them didn't even have boots to wear. The volunteers were near the end of their rope, and thousands of enlistments were set to expire on New Year's Day. These men were bound and determined to leave, so the Continental Army was about to evaporate."

See? You get it? It's not that the administration's a bunch of stumblefucks who couldn't wipe their asses with a diagram and feces-finding tissue. It's that the lack of body armor and, oh, say, a plan is exactly what's needed so the troops really suffer for their country. It's a morale builder, not a soul wrecker.

It took a great leader, said Cheney, George Washington himself, to rally the bedraggled soldiers and rouse them to fight another day: "'My brave fellows,' he said, 'you have done all I asked you to do and more than could be reasonably expected; you have worn yourself out with fatigues and hardships; but we know not how to spare you. The present is emphatically the crisis, which is to decide our destiny.' One by one the men stepped forward. They could not let their country or their fellow soldiers down. Inspired by leadership and renewed in their strength, they stayed in the fight -- and America won the war." Get it? Bush is like Washington, right? And the Americans are just fighting the British all over ag...oh, fuck, wait a second.

Ahh, see the little problem here is that, back in the day, the British army was the best-equipped, best-trained military in the Western world. And, you know, the American revolutionaries? Shit, let's just let the Army tell the story: "A force of farmers and townsmen, fresh from their fields and shops, with hardly a semblance of orthodox military organization, had met and fought on equal terms with a professional British Army. On the British this astonishing feat had a sobering effect, for it taught them that American resistance was not to be easily overcome."

And if we're gonna go with this "holy shit, we're the Redcoats in Iraq" scenario, let's go whole hog. Here's how the Revolutionary War was viewed, at least partly, in England: To fight the war, "Britain had first to raise the necessary forces, then transport and sustain them over 3000 miles of ocean, and finally use them effectively to regain control of a vast and sparsely populated territory. Recruiting men for an eighteenth century army was most difficult. The British Government had no power to compel service except in the militia in defense of the homeland, and service in the British Army overseas was immensely unpopular." How did the British make up for the lack of recruits? By outsourcing to the Hessians. Mercenaries, they were called then. Today, they're "security companies" or "Halliburton."

If Dick Cheney is breathing he's lying. Or he's insulting the United States Military once again by comparing them with a bunch of untrained, weakly-armed, barely cohesive bands of citizen-terrorists who were cobbled together to fight against an occupying power. Or he's the most ironic motherfucker in history.

Satan is licking his lips, waiting for Cheney's arrival. For such unmitigated, unapologetic evil is rare. Cheney will make a good viceroy and an even better chew toy for the Devil's hounds to tear into pieces, be healed again, and get ripped to shreds over and over for eternity.

Year of Living Rudely Tickets:
There's still about 20 tickets left for tomorrow night's extra super-special added performance of The Rude Pundit in The Year of Living Rudely at Dixon Place in New York City. Buy online here or try (with cash) at the door.