Limbaugh in Afghanistan – A Fantasia (with Apologies to Paul Bowles):
(Note: The Rude Pundit knows that Paul Bowles wrote about North Africa, not Afghanistan.)
Rush Limbaugh knew he shouldn’t have trusted Ahmed, the local jirga member who told him to follow him outside the compound in Kandahar to see the endless poppy fields. Limbaugh wanted to confront his temptations, demonstrate he was a stronger man. Now he’s lost in the ruins of an ancient mosque, alone, hungry, pissed off because he’s due to be live on the radio in a couple of hours, bringing his faithful listeners tales of the good news of the Afghani people. How they admired him, how the soldiers even asked him if he was going to run for office. God, he felt somehow right and at home here, praising the good works of America.

He hears the clatter of distant hoofsteps, across the rocky terrain. Finally, he thinks, some local to help him. They ride up to him, three men with scraggly beards and Chitrali hats. “Can you help me? I’m an American. American. I need to get back to Kandahar Air Base,” he declares as the men on horses circle him slowly, speaking in a dialect that Limbaugh not only can’t understand, but he hasn’t heard yet. They are surveying him. “I’m on the radio. You know the radio?” He makes some futile hand gesture of a microphone in front of his mouth, of holding a mike with his mouth open, pointing at it with his other hand, nodding and winking.

The horse-borne men look at each other and nod. Limbaugh smiles. The power of Excellence in Broadcasting, no doubt. Americans have saved them from the Taliban and now he will receive their thanks. One of them say something to Limbaugh, and as the radio host turns towards that horse, another man clubs Limbaugh in the back of his head. Limbaugh hits the ground with all the grace of an oversized turd being shat out of a constipated elephant.

The Pashtun men pick up the porcine pundit and stuff him into a large bag, carrying him between two horses back into the mountains. When they get back to their village, a small compound really, of men only and a few younger boys, they spill Limbaugh out and leave him to regain consciousness, one of the boys watching over him.

Limbaugh comes out of his haze and bellows, "I’ll call the fuckin’ embassy." The boys run off as Limbaugh continues to yell, "There’s gonna be hell to pay when the Americans hear of this." A couple of the men enter the shack and walk over to him. He thrashes and screams, "We’re gonna bomb you back beyond the stone age, you raghead-" But one of the men has grabbed Limbaugh’s tongue and, with one swift cut of a dagger, cuts off the radio personality’s tongue. Stunned and tasting his own metallic blood, Limbaugh falls back on his thin mattress of rugs and another man tears his sleeve and shoots him up with the purest heroin anyone can get. Limbaugh fades to black.

He comes in and out, occasionally gargling a word or two, occasionally feeling the fever of infection that’s come over him, occasionally feeling the warm sting of the needle. Once he feels an incredible pain between his legs, seeing men above him, but he passes out again. Finally, a ragged, shit-stained Limbaugh staggers out of the shack one day as the sun shines around him. He unzips his pants to take a piss. He reaches in and notices an absence below his tiny penis. He’s been castrated. He screams in outrage.

Quickly, several men rush up to him and wrap tin bands around his arms, his legs, his waist. Limbaugh is confused until he realizes that each band contains several bells and as he moves around he makes a clattering, ringing sound that seems to please the Pashtun men watching him. He forgets about his lost balls for a second and finds this curious. He takes a couple of steps, ringing the bells as he moves, and the men clap and ululate in approval. Limbaugh smiles and nods. Even Pashtun nutcutters recognize talent when they see it.

Limbaugh becomes popular in the villages around Zaranj, a favorite of the women and children, who watch in separate audience, as Limbaugh dances, horribly, for them, ringing his bells. He learns to do handstands and high kicks and twirls. Oh, what a happy clown, the children think. Limbaugh learns how to scare the women by growling and barking. And then, when he performs for the men, they drum and play instruments, and he becomes just another member of the band. If you’re going to be the plaything of the tribe of some warlord, at least the food’s regular (if tasteless) and the audiences appreciative.

Limbaugh doesn’t even mind the fact that every night he’s locked up in a room with no window. He doesn’t even mind the regular sodomizings by the Pashtun men, the ones who hadn’t earned a boy yet. Limbaugh misses his voice, though, and some nights he cries in remembrance of his silver-tipped tongue, his quick wit now inward only. He thinks he’s even forgotten how to write. But then he gets his nightly dose of smack and he’s in bliss until the sun rises again.

One day his keepers bring him to a village on the edge of a poppy field, and there it is: that sea of red flowers, the pin prick bloodlets growing from the earth. Against the setting sun, it looks like a fire that would finally consume him. The last anyone sees of Rush Limbaugh is a silhouetted figure, bells ringing, running into the field of flames, grunting happily, leaping madly.

Why Rush Limbaugh Ought to Be Force-Fed His Own Liposuctioned Fat (Cheney Reacharound Edition):
When former Vice President Dick Cheney paused in his sodomizing of Bob Shieffer's Face the Nation to give Rush Limbaugh a little reacharound hand job action (while shitting on Colin Powell's head - it's really quite a complicated move), you knew that Limbaugh would be as grateful as he is when the local Chinese buffet brings out a new tray of sweet and sour pork in the middle of his dining experience. His hand stretched around Limbaugh's girth like an elastic band on a sack of jello, Cheney needed only his thumb and forefinger to clutch the radio host's burnt wick of a cock and yank it as Shieffer spit out pubes to ask Cheney, between Limbaugh and Powell, "Where do you come down?"

Waggling Limbaugh's penis like a Play-Doh worm, Cheney responded, "Well, if I had to choose in terms of being a Republican, I’d go with Rush Limbaugh, I think." Limbaugh, who only lets a handful of people fuck his ass with their pricks, moaned jowlingly as he had a tickle of an orgasm. Cheney wiped his fingers on Limbaugh's shirt and turned back to Shieffer, gesturing at his un-mouthed cock to indicate that Shieffer ought to get to back to the interview.

It didn't take long for Limbaugh to pen an encomium to the wealthy ranch owner. Titled "What Motivates Dick Cheney?" the porcine peddler of paranoia offered his listeners a lesson yesterday in absurd justification that would make Hermann Goering say, "Why the fuck didn't I think of that?" just before sucking down cyanide.

For you see, Dick Cheney is not a self-serving man. No, he doesn't need anything from us, says Limbaugh: "Dick Cheney has all the millions he needs. He doesn't need money. He has no future political ambitions. He coulda run in 2000; he coulda run in 2008; he doesn't want to run for elective office anymore. What motivates him? He's not hot for interns. He's not a torture freak." The Rude Pundit's not sure what a "torture freak" is in Limbaugh's world, although he's pretty sure Limbaugh's got the leather mask to prove his point.

In fact, this becomes the refrain through the entire monologue: "What motivates Dick Cheney? He knows the media hate his guts. He knows the media hate George W. Bush. He has all the money he needs. He has no political ambitions. He's not hot for interns. He's not a torture freak." Does one get to bang interns if one proudly proclaims that torture works? It's confusing.

Finally, Limbaugh answers his question: "Dick Cheney is one lone voice in the Republican Party. What motivates Dick Cheney? He's not hot for interns. He has all the money he needs. He's not a torture freak. He doesn't want to run for political office. Dick Cheney is motivated by love for his country."

First off, can you imagine how fucking proud Limbaugh was when he was sitting pantsless in his double-reinforced Herman Miller chair and he thought about how poetic his repetition would sound? It's like T.S. Eliot for the severely retarded.

And, yeah, Dick Cheney was motivated by love for "his" country. The problem is that Dick Cheney's United States is not the United States of the rest of us. In fact, it's not really the United States at all. His nation compromises every principle to reach an indeterminate end. Our nation believes those principles are what make us a nation in the first place.

Dead Terrrorist: Rush Limbaugh Wrecked America

When I heard Rush Limbaugh had finally died, my first thought was "I hope he was screaming in pain when the light switch flicked off." He had lost his hearing, battled opioid addiction, and succumbed to lung cancer, and he still didn't suffer enough. I hope he realized at the end that there was no afterlife, that after he died, he was dead. Forever. 

Rush Limbaugh was already a mad bomber before he was invited to become the spiritual leader of the terrorist movement known as the Republican Party. The top hyena of the savage beasts of right-wing talk radio, Limbaugh was the jabbering clown, mixing the naughty school boy humor of drive-time DJs and the nonstop ranting of an end times preacher. He gave voice to the aggrieved white men who saw their hegemonic control over everything being encroached upon by women, by people of color, by gays and lesbians, by them, that undefined shadow culture ready to wreck all that the good, bleached, heteronationalists had done for the ungrateful hottentots, whores, and homos. He turned "liberal" into a dirty word, and we are just recovering from that.

Like Ronald Reagan letting the evangelical sadists into the White House, thus making them a poisonous political force we are dealing with to this day, Limbaugh's status was legitimized by President George H. W. Bush. Bush was seeking man-of-the-people street cred in his run against the genuinely earthy Bill Clinton in 1992. Against the young, hip, sexually-voracious Clinton, Bush seemed like an out-of-touch dilettante, a prissy pussy, a rich elitist, so he took a sojourn to Limbaugh's studio, which must have smelled like phlegmy cigar breath and fiery beef farts, to canoodle with the egotistical prick with a mic, who was already on a tear against both Bill and Hillary Clinton, with whom he'd be obsessed for the rest of his shitty life. And why not? In that election year, Limbaugh was the most popular talk radio host in the country, he had a number one bestseller with his first book, and was about to launch his quick and pathetic failure of a TV show. He was fucking ubiquitous. Hell, Bush had already hosted him overnight at the White House. 

You who weren't aware or alive during this time have no idea how huge Limbaugh was, how significant, and how omnipresent he was. I was talking to my pal Mark last night about it. Back in the 1990s, as part of a radio drama show I produced in Tennessee, I wrote a parody of Limbaugh called "The Rich Flemball Show" (no, it was not subtle). And Mark played Flemball, so I thought he'd have some insights or at least a good insult or two upon that bastard's death. He told me about how, in his town in middle Tennessee, "There was a barbecue restaurant that had a Rush room. Every day they would turn on Rush to listen, and every day the room would be filled with people who wanted to listen to Rush." He said that when Limbaugh was at his peak, you couldn't be at a red light without someone blaring Rush. "My mail carrier would have Rush playing whenever she drove up," he added.  People wanted to act like and be Rush Limbaugh. (And, yes, radio was that important back then, pre-internet, pre-Fox "news.")

There was something else that George H. W. Bush was seeking that Limbaugh embodied: identification with a caricature of a type of masculinity. Not rugged machismo, no, that was for Reagan and his horses and ranch. That took too much physical effort. Instead, it was a white male dominance, a sense that power and acclaim and riches and women were owed to the white men. In Limbaugh's telling, it wasn’t enough that men were seen as superior. It’s that all opposed to men had to be defeated and denigrated. You couldn't just say someone was wrong; you had to dehumanize them, and that meant something beyond calling them "hippies" or "communists" (although he certainly did). It meant being as savage and cruel as possible. Limbaugh set out to destroy the center and the left in our political spectrum, leaving only a brute force right led by white men and possibly a non-white or two who acknowledged how awesome white men are.

You can read all about Limbaugh's wanton cruelty, like his attacks on women's sexuality while constantly bragging about his own. He didn't coin the term "feminazi," but he popularized it to the point that it helped wreck the momentum of the feminist movement for decades. That pejorative debased any feminist effort, from equal pay to equal treatment at work to issues like rape laws and sexual harassment policies, all things he saw as attacks on normative white masculinity. He wrote in in The Way Things Ought to Be, "A feminazi is a woman to whom the most important thing in life is seeing to it that as many abortions as possible are performed." His reasoning is that women want abortions because it disempowers men. "They don't need men in order to be happy," he blathered on motherfuckingly. "They certainly don't want males to be able to exert any control over them. Abortion is the ultimate symbol of women's emancipation from the power and influence of men." Remember: he's saying that this is a bad thing. Anything a woman did to gain power had to be done at the expense of male power, and that shit would not stand in his perverse world view.

There was an image of the white male as the natural leader of the world, that to criticize the white male is to demean him (which is the narcissistic way in which "political correctness" and "cancel culture" are defined by these pricks). Limbaugh didn't invent toxic masculinity, but he made it something to be embraced, something to aspire to for men, and you had to actively resist it. For many in the 1990s and since, it's easier to embrace this image of the white collar male as conqueror, the Attilas of the cubicles. It presents an outdated and even comforting way of ordering the world, but, of course, it was one that was based on a bullshit hierarchy and notions of gender and race that were outdated in the 1970s. 

Mark said, "The one image that sticks in my head is a close-up photo of him, looking up at his jowls, cigar stuck between his teeth, as if saying, 'Look what a tough son of a bitch I am.'" And on his show, he would assert an alpha male dominance over callers that was just tedious because he always could just cut them off and move on. Limbaugh couched all of this in biblical bullshit, yammering on about how Christianity needed to be taught in schools and that biblical notions of identity needed to be enforced. He embraced the evangelical nutzoids and they embraced him because they both pushed a patriarchal view that was the antithesis of the embrace of equality of the sexes, genders, sexualities, and races. That shit is comforting to too many people, and Limbaugh leaned into it, even as he rotated through so many wives it was as if he announced, "Bring me another woman. This one broke" before he moved on to the next one. 

Some will tell you that Limbaugh was funny, that his caller abortions and his jokey slams on the disabled and the deceased were just dark, edgy humor. Except this deaf bitch punched down most of the time, and that's not funny. Besides, that's what conservatives will always say when they're caught being complete fucks: we were joking. I read Limbaugh's fucking books. He wasn't joking. Chances are that he hated you and wanted you to be, at least, subservient to him, or, even, dead at his feet.

We are living in the United States that Rush Limbaugh was a large part of creating. He inspired Newt Gingrich to fuck up the running of Congress. He tore apart families like right-wing media and Donald Trump did in more recent decades. Hell, my brother listened to that brazen buffoon for a few years, and I regularly had to say, "No, fuck him. I wish he would choke to death on one of his cock-substitute stogies." He perverted media by substituting his bullshit lies for actual facts. He showed Roger Ailes that you could make shit-tons of money by spouting the most racist, divisive fuckery and laugh at the rubes while you counted the cash. He was cruel to the weak and made hate into a something to aspire to. Jesus, he made it fine for conservatives to not even pretend they gave a shit about people who weren't them and gave license for the right to use degrading language to anyone different. And he inspired all those even further devolved shit worms that came after him, like Hannity and Coulter and fucking Tucker Carlson. 

"He won," Mark said. "He made the Republican Party in his image: a bunch of fucking misanthropes with no sense of humor about themselves, and that's it. That's who they are for the foreseeable future. He's a big part of why their party is so broken, that us vs. them mentality." He didn't do it alone, but, goddamn, he gave the GOP license to treat legislating as a battle to the death. He fanned flames of the culture war until he could cackle over the conflagrations like a gleeful arsonist jacking off as his fires burned down schoolhouses. "I'm glad he lived to see Trump lose," Mark said, for, yes, Trump was the ideal Limbaugh president, a fake tough guy who thought his bravado and bullshit masculinity would make him a great leader. 

I hated Rush Limbaugh for over three decades. It was a visceral, burning hatred, the kind that has only been topped by a hatred for George W. Bush and Donald Trump. I fucking hate bullies, and that's what he was, always pushing around others through his sexism and racism and homophobia and Islamophobia. More than that, he was a terrorist, finding new targets to poison and electrocute and blow up. He didn't give a fuck how much damage he did as long as he got credit for doing it. He wanted you to feel inferior to him, like every half-assed, self-hating shitheel in history. And he arguably caused more death and destruction than ten Osama bin Ladens. It would take volumes to detail all the evil done by him and in his name.

Yeah, I fucking hope he died screaming. I fucking hope he was in just enough pain to feel it all without going into shock. If there's a hell, I hope he's next to Antonin Scalia, awaiting a train of hot, spiked demon dicks to ream his ass and mouth for eternity, two spurts of lava jizz coursing through him from each side until they fill his desiccated lungs, over and over again. 

Then he'll begin to come close to feeling all the suffering he caused on earth.

(Note: There are no fat jokes in here because I made enough of them over the years. Unlike Limbaugh, I don't do the same schtick forever.)

Rush Limbaugh Dined For Your Sins:
Rush Limbaugh has not seen his penis since the 1960s. When he "lost" all that weight so quickly about ten years ago, the flap of stretched stomach flesh still blocked his view. And now that he's gained it all back, there hasn't even been a shadow visible. No, it's been a very, very long time. Memory is a callous mistress. The women that he met, married, and/or fucked all had the same arc of description in the course of the relationship. Early on, when he would say, as foreplay, "Tell me what my cock looks like," they would describe it as "magnificent in its girth" or "so huge it hurts," anything to keep up Limbaugh's confidence so he could maintain an erection because sometimes, no matter how much Viagra you're downing like Tic-Tacs, you can still get the big psychological blood blockage and, alas, damned flaccidity follows. Ask Daryn Kagan. She'll tell you of nights with Limbaugh where her pussy felt like it had been slapped repeatedly with a dried vienna sausage, where the radio host wept that his ham hock arms couldn't reach around his couch pillow gut to yank himself into tumescence, where Kagan comforted him by cooing how very big it was, how it frightened her. Well, she actually had to yell it so he could hear, but it was shouted version of cooing. Soothing, but loud.

Of course, as the relationship turned sour, the women would tell him they lied, that he had a tiny prick, the size of a newborn's thumb. As far as Limbaugh's concerned, lovers only tell the truth while they're loving. Yes, them and Dominican child prostitutes. Yes, it has all left Limbaugh with delusions of grandeur about his dick. He has no direct evidence that he's right about it, only the word of the sycophantic and the paid. But that doesn't stop him from going online, whenever he's shifted his girth from his radio chair to his home computer chair, and claiming that he's got a ginormous johnson. It is the way of rich men who are so morbidly, revoltingly obese that even their wealth can't attract partners. The truth about his cock size is insignificant here. Reality is merely an impediment. The only thing that matters is it's all about Rush Limbaugh's dick.

In his appearance this past Saturday at CPAC (motto: "Pretending this matters since 1973"), Limbaugh was at his most pathetic, attention-whoring in a way that'd make actual whores say, "You don't need to actually show your snatch to get customers." One could go through the speech line by line and demonstrate every contradiction, every historical fucktardery, every just plain wrong idea or "fact," but none of us has that much time (however, see examples in the notes below). We could spend our time talking about what the fuck CNN was thinking in airing the entire speech live.

Instead, let's just say this: Rush Limbaugh (and Sean Hannity and every other conservative bag of shit that's piled up on the curbs of our nation) is fucking thrilled that Barack Obama is President. He is not a politician. He is only beholden to corporations. He is merely an ephemeral presence. He exists only as long as his ratings stay high. And Obama's win is a goddamned gift because he and his legions of taint-licking, deluded, chanting drones can work themselves into some kind of froth about every goddamn thing that Democrats do for the next 2, 4, or 8 years. He just got a new lease on life, motherfuckers, and that's like another legal scrip for oxycontin. Pure fuckin' bliss, man.

If the face the Republicans want for its future is this, this sweaty self-aggrandizer, this fat fuck, this demonstrable embodiment of the seven deadly sins, he who is everything that we should hate about capitalism and, indeed, the indulgences of this nation, Diamond Jim Brady without the class, this proud rube who spouts lies and hatred, then bring it, bitches. Like so many on the right, Limbaugh is using the same goddamn lines he's been using for years. He has no idea what he's up against this time. The vast majority of the nation has moved on from the sad plump man in his tiny room.

Notes:
Contradiction: Limbaugh said that liberals were "afraid of offending" Joseph Stalin, and then he criticized Joe Biden for the then-candidate saying that 7-11 employees were Indian, explaining that if conservatives said something so outrageous, they'd be excoriated. Apparently, aligning the left with a mass murderer is not outrageous.

Historical fucktardery: Limbaugh talked about how the New Deal and the Great Society programs wrecked this country when previously he wondered "How did the United States of America become the world's lone super power, the world's economic engine, the most prosperous opportunity for an advanced lifestyle that humanity has ever known?" (China would probably like to dispute at least two of those notions.) Since that has only happened, truly, since the 1940s, one might like to think that the very things that Limbaugh criticizes didn't exactly hinder the country.

Just plain wrong: Limbaugh said, "We believe that the Preamble of the Constitution contains an inarguable truth, that we are all endowed by our creator with certain inalienable rights -- among them life, liberty, freedom, and the pursuit of happiness." Does this even need to be explained?

Rush Limbaugh Is Dying For His Own Sins

Rush Limbaugh, the still-alive host of Creepy the Aging Clown's Masturbatorium of Hate and Homophobia,  believes that Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg has made headway in the 2020 race because of him. See, about a year ago, Limbaugh said, "Keep a sharp eye out for Mayor Pete. Keep an eye on this guy. He is gonna make mincemeat of all the rest of these people." This past Wednesday, he crowed, "Had I not made the observation, a lot of people would not have given Mayor Pete Buttigieg the time of day." Yep, he believes that no one would have paid attention to Buttigieg without ol' Rush chiming in.

However, Limbaugh didn't think that Buttigieg had what it took because, well, the gay stuff. He offered that Democratic voters are "sitting there and they’re looking at Mayor Pete - a 37-year-old gay guy, mayor of South Bend, loves to kiss his husband on the debate stage - and they’re saying, 'Okay. How’s this gonna look, a 37-year-old gay guy kissing his husband on stage next to Mr. Man, Donald Trump? What’s gonna happen there?'"

Put aside for a moment that calling Donald Trump "Mr. Man" is like calling a pile of shit "a gourmet snack." Put aside that it might be nice to see a married couple of actually seem to love each other, unlike Donald and Melania. Put aside that  Buttigieg joined the Naval Reserve and did a seven-month stint in Afghanistan, which is more time spent overseas in military service than Trump and all his terrible children combined, plus seven months. Put aside the rank gay-bashing and the weird obsession with Buttigieg and his husband locking lips. Put all that aside because that's leaving out the rest of what Limbaugh said:

"They gotta be looking at that, and they’ve gotta be saying that despite all the great progress and despite all the great wokeness and despite all the great ground that’s been covered, America’s still not ready to elect a gay guy kissing his husband on the debate stage president. They have to be saying this, don’t they? Now, there may be some Democrats who think that is the ticket."

Limbaugh was fairly relentless in his assertion that no way, no how will Mayor Pete ever seem more electable than the prissy president with his manicured nails, his shitty spray tan and makeup, his dyed hair plugs, and his obsession with celebrities that borders on Perez Hilton-esque. But Buttigieg kisses his husband, so that's less manly.

Limbaugh wasn't done. He continued, "There may be some Democrats who think, 'That’s exactly what we need to do, Rush. Get a gay guy kissing his husband on stage! You ram it down Trump’s throat and beat him in the general election.' (laughing) Really? Having fun envisioning that."

Well, thanks, Rush, I will have fun envisioning someone ramming something down Trump's throat and beating him.

It had been a while since I had bothered to even think about Rush Limbaugh, who is one of the original carriers of the plague of the modern right-wing media. But he's been in the news for two reasons: He announced that he's suffering from Stage IV lung cancer after half a lifetime of bragging about how much he smokes and saying that cigarettes didn't cause cancer, and he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by Donald Trump, which is a little like Caligula giving Genghis Khan the Nobel Peace Prize.

I'm gonna save my total contempt for Limbaugh when he finally dies for his sins and the sins of the savage conservatism that he helped usher us into like the porcine gatekeeper at Hell's deepest shit pit. My initial reaction to his diagnosis was "What did cancer ever do to deserve Rush Limbaugh?" You can call me an asshole or talk about how we should love our enemies or how terrible lung cancer is or what you will. But Limbaugh is not suffering nearly enough. I hope he shits blood every day for the rest of his shortened life.

I'm not a Buttigieg voter in the primary. I find his positions too moderate to conservative for my taste. This ain't about him. It's about how Rush Limbaugh was given a pass for a couple of days because of his illness and his appearance as a weak old fuck at the State of the Union, "shocked" that he was being given the medal then. And he doesn't deserve anything but abject hatred for being one of the most destructive forces in the media not named "Ailes" or "Murdoch." And his attacks on Buttigieg are of a piece with his entire pathetic career of tearing the nation apart.

Limbaugh has been queasy and angry about the lesbian and gay community for decades (he's been actively hostile to the transgender community, but that is a whole post to itself). Back in the 1980s, he was so antagonistic about the AIDS crisis that he ran an AIDS Update for a month, mocking victims of the disease to theme songs like "Back in the Saddle Again" (before he actually had to back down and apologize). He was enraged at the federal funding going to sex education, especially as it related to HIV/AIDS. Limbaugh was whipping people into such an anti-gay frenzy that it likely caused actual harm to people who were dying. As recently as 2004, he was claiming that HIV doesn't spread to straight people unless they were promiscuous, like, he claimed, people in Africa are. He's also equated same-sex marriage to acceptance of pedophilia and bestiality.

In 2016, he was attacking, no, really, lesbian farmers because the Obama administration wanted to have a summit to talk about LGBT Americans who were living in rural states. "So here comes the Obama Regime with a bunch of federal money and they’re waving it around, and all you gotta do to get it is be a lesbian and want to be a farmer and they’ll set you up. I’m like you; I never before in my life knew that lesbians wanted to be farmers. I never knew that lesbians wanted to get behind the horse and the plow and start burrowing." And if you don't think that was intentionally a crude sex joke, you don't know Presidential Medal of Freedom winner Rush Limbaugh.

As you might imagine, there is so much more.

In 1994, on his radio show, he said, "When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult; it’s an invitation." Well, now Rush Limbaugh is getting ass-fucked by cancer. It's been shoved down his throat and burrowed into him. He will not have some deathbed change of heart. He will not be humbled. He is what he has always been: an infected carbuncle on the right ass cheek of democracy.

Fox "news" Takes Us To Its Leader:
It's really not so much that Fox "news" Sunday had Rush Limbaugh on. No, that's just fine, if redundant. The 24-hour news networks are filthy with radio and print commentators from across the ideological spectrum. They show up, they comment, they're done. It's that alleged real journalist Chris "My Father Sends Me Black Roses" Wallace interviewed the ex-junkie for a half-hour, half the weekly show, in a lubricious ball-washing that must have had Wallace spitting pubes for the rest of the day. For Wallace and his ratings, it was not unlike a calf suckling at the teat of its fat mama cow.

For Limbaugh, it was a chance to disseminate his views, which are worth $80 million a year, to a wider audience in an attempt to indoctrinate them to the side of vituperative crazed conservatives because that's what's best for poor people. Limbaugh was a teabagger before teabagging was cool, and, since he is a teabagger who can articulate a complete sentence, he is their Allah. (Glenn Beck, of course, is their Muhammad.)

Here's a few fun lines from LollapaLimbaugh:
Regarding experience and politicians:
Wallace asked Limbaugh about calling President Obama a "man-child": "That description is simply a way to cut the noise and say he's immature, inexperienced, in over his head." By the way another word for "man-child"? "Boy."

Later in the interview, Wallace asked Limbaugh if Sarah Palin is ready to be president. Limbaugh jowled, "Well, yes, I do. See, I'm a -- one thing I do not do is follow conventional wisdom. And the conventional wisdom on Sarah Palin is she's not smart enough, she needs to bone up on the issues, she's a little unsophisticated...she's the only thing that's provided any kind of spark for the Republican Party. " He does not, however, say she is smart enough, knows the issues, or anything other than that she "smiled" through the attacks on her. You've got to almost admire a man who is that breathtakingly hypocritical.

Regarding George W. Bush and war:
"I have the benefit of knowing George Bush a little bit, and I've seen him cry talking about missions that he's ordered." Pause and think about that. In front of people, when he was president, Bush cried about his decisions. It's like what happens when Limbaugh finally gets a hard-on after the tranny hooker leaves in disgust with a hush money bonus.

By the way, Limbaugh tried to assert that "Bush did this" when Wallace brought up Obama going to Dover Air Base. After Wallace said he didn't think Bush had been to Dover, Limbaugh recalibrated: "No, but he went to see families...And he didn't make a photo-op out of it." Yes, it was all verrry private. Notice, though, that what never gets mentioned is that Obama did meet with families with no media present, just like Bush. The Dover part was something new.

Regarding health care:
Limbaugh goes full bugfuck insane: "This is not about insuring the uninsured. This is not about health care. This is about stealing one-sixth of the U.S. private sector and putting it under the control of federal government. And when they get this health-care bill, if they do, that's the easiest, fastest way for them to be able to regulate every aspect of human behavior, because it'll all have some related cost to health care -- what you drive, what you eat, where you live, what you do. And there'll be penalties for violating regulations. It's going to be the biggest snatch of freedom and liberty that has yet occurred in this country."

Here's what the Rude Pundit doesn't get from this argument: what is the objective in taking over the economy and regulating people's behavior? 'Cause, you know, it sure as shit seems like if you're pro-life and anti-gay marriage you're regulating behavior. And if the government doesn't run something like health care, it's run by a bunch of huge corporations who aren't responsible to, you know, voters. So if that's Obama's ultimate goal, then unless eliminating voting is part of the deal, it's way fucking better than letting, say, AIG run shit. That's a serious question to all the ignorant, teabagging knuckledraggers: Why does Obama want to do it if it's just something that'll get him voted out of office?

Enough of this nonsense from this overpaid, narcissistic cock-head, from Limbaugh, Beck, and all the fearmongering cunts who throw bombs and then say they're just bystanders. They're just shit-scared that Obama will accomplish something. They have to stop all of the agenda before it gets going, not because all of a sudden we're gonna have gulags and re-education camps, but because if legislation passes in a way that actually transforms American health care, even for a small part of the population, then it's like skull-fucking Reagan as far as government's role in people's lives. When Democrats buy the Limbaugh line of thinking, as they did so often during the Clinton administration, they are merely his bitches.

And with this interview and Wallace's refusal to correct Limbaugh when he lumped Fox "news" in with the "all of this conservative media," the big-headed motherfucker can't hide behind any label of "entertainer." No, you're not an entertainer when you're running the show.

(By the way, the one fun revelation? Motherfucker liked his drugs: "I had never experienced the kind of euphoria that I got from a pain pill." Except, you know, for the joys of Dominican boys and news correspondent ball-scrubbings.)

Rude Pundit Vacation Rerun #6: That Time Rush Limbaugh Laughed at the Japanese Nuclear Power Plant Disaster

Rude Pundit Vacation Rerun #6: That Time Rush Limbaugh Laughed at the Japanese Nuclear Power Plant Disaster:
(Note: Back Thursday, the Rude Pundit will bring the piss and vinegar to your polite soiree.)

So the earthquake and tsunami-damaged Fukushima nuclear power plant in Japan is leaking radioactive water by the ton. In his usual sage way, Rush Limbaugh told us a couple of years ago that any worry about it was just silly liberal talk. From March 2011:

Why Rush Limbaugh Ought To Be Force-Fed His Own Liposuctioned Fat (Nuclear Edition):
Voracious hogbeast Rush Limbaugh has been a-jigglin' his jowls in utter delight at the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Oh, ho, oh, ho, what fun it's been to mock tree-huggers for thinking that multiple nuclear reactors leaking radiation into the atmosphere and water might cause some to reflect on the safety of currently-revered nuclear power plants. He blares his soundbites of commentators on TV asking about the "worst-case scenario," and then he derides them for overreacting to the crisis.

This would be the same man who said just this past Friday that the modest health care reform bill needs to be repealed or "the country as we know it is over." You got that? Worrying about the possibility of nuclear meltdown at damaged reactors where the rods are exposed? That's the ludicrous liberal media hyping something for ratings. Limbaugh saying that America is done if a legally passed law is implemented? He's a fuckin' prophet, man. It's sort of like saying that doctor-shopping for oxycontin scrips is just great, but pot is wrong. Pot ain't gonna kill ya, man.

Of course, according to Limbaugh, liberals and the media are just beggin' for a disaster in Japan. Referring to CNN, Limbaugh gargled, "They want the nuclear meltdown. They want the Japanese syndrome, if you will." (By the way, if there was a "Japanese syndrome," it'd just melt through to the ocean somewhere off Argentina.) And, like any good conservative, Limbaugh laughed at the victims for not wanting to trash their country even further. ABC's Diane Sawyer went to a shelter to show how the survivors were recycling their garbage, not just tossing it on the heap, which is apparently what Limbaugh wanted, so it'd be like the piles of Twinkies wrappers, cum-sticky tissues, empty moisturizer tubes, cigar ashes, and pill bottles that fill the side of his studio chair and floor of his bedroom.

Limbaugh reacted with madness in its bugfuckingest form: "The Japanese have done so much to save the planet...They've given us the Prius. Even now, refugees are still recycling their garbage, and yet, Gaia levels 'em. Just wipes 'em out. She wipes out their nuclear plants, all kinds of radiation...What is Gaia trying to tell us here? What is the mother of environmentalism trying to say with this hit?"

At night, the world muted to his ears, Rush Limbaugh watches the coverage of the earthquake damage and the burgeoning nuclear crisis. On the bed, he keeps a big book of photos from Hiroshima and Nagasaki; victims with horrible burns are such a turn-on. He's shoving a vibrator into his prostate, one that he calls "Little Boy." He'd've named it "Fat Man," but that seemed redundant. Yes, American triumphalism and mastery of the atom, all mixed together, and he's smacking his dick, hoping that he'll blow a mushroom cloud and not just a dribble of atoms.

Rush Limbaugh Shows That Obama Hates America by Hating America Himself:
Heaving, wheezing pustule Rush Limbaugh knew that he needed to get himself good and primed for his rantings yesterday. Sweating after downing a Quizno's steak sandwich with horseradish/oxycontin spread on it, he could feel the lethargy setting in as he read over his notes for the next segment. Oh, this would be a good one, one that the slavering shut-ins, elderly, and truckers that comprise his audience would be repeating over and over to their friends and relatives, something that'd make the heads of those faggots over at Media Matters explode. Yeah, he could work himself into a hard-on, but that was too much work these days and it just exhausted him. Instead, he went with his most extreme plan, one that he saves for special occasions, when he knows that his energy must match the crazed rantings he was about to impart to the ether. He dropped his pants, reached under his gut, felt around for a moment or two, and then his meaty hoof grasped his tiny nutsack. He leaned back and maneuvered so that the peanut-sized scrotum was, more or less, resting on the table in front of him. "Are we about to come out of break?" he asked into the microphone to the giggling producer, who loves it when Limbaugh lays out his testicles, while the weary engineer sighed and nodded. As the music began, Limbaugh picked up the keyboard of the computer in front of him and slammed it down repeatedly on his balls. Screeching in pain, he did it until he could feel he was about to vomit then fell back into his chair and went live, ready to destroy anything in his path.

Yeah, Limbaugh was in rare form yesterday. You should listen to his much-played clip where he said, really, that Barack Obama "hates this country." That's also the title of the segment on his website, so, no, there's no hedging or lack of context going on here. Why does the President hate the country he leads? Because he thinks that when the government builds roads and stuff, it helps people. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Limbaugh played the bit of Elizabeth Warren saying, "There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own." Then he followed it with the actually out-of-context quote from a speech Obama gave last week in Virginia. Here it is in its entirety:

"[L]ook, if you’ve been successful, you didn’t get there on your own. You didn’t get there on your own. I’m always struck by people who think, well, it must be because I was just so smart. There are a lot of smart people out there. It must be because I worked harder than everybody else. Let me tell you something -- there are a whole bunch of hardworking people out there.

"If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help. There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges. If you’ve got a business -- you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen. The Internet didn’t get invented on its own. Government research created the Internet so that all the companies could make money off the Internet."

Bizarrely, confusingly, Limbaugh added, "Yeah, well, you know who really invented the Internet? It was the military. It was a DOD project, and Obama hates that." A sane, thinking person might wonder, "Umm, then why would Obama mention it as a government accomplishment if he hates it?" But then you would not be in Limbaugh's demographic.

For Limbaugh, and for Fox "news" and other right-wing spooge-buckets, this is pretty much a call to socialist arms.

Except, of course, for what the President said after the soundbite ends on all of these shows. The very next thing he says is, "The point is, is that when we succeed, we succeed because of our individual initiative, but also because we do things together. There are some things, just like fighting fires, we don’t do on our own. I mean, imagine if everybody had their own fire service. That would be a hard way to organize fighting fires.

"So we say to ourselves, ever since the founding of this country, you know what, there are some things we do better together. That’s how we funded the GI Bill. That’s how we created the middle class. That’s how we built the Golden Gate Bridge or the Hoover Dam. That’s how we invented the Internet. That’s how we sent a man to the moon. We rise or fall together as one nation and as one people, and that’s the reason I’m running for President -- because I still believe in that idea. You’re not on your own, we’re in this together."

Man, he must really hate that the Defense Department invented the internet to mention it so much. You know what the context for this was? Was it a Marxist takeover of the homes of the wealthy and their property divided among the poorest in each town? Was it the Ayers/Dohrn reeducation of Limbaugh listeners and Fox "news" viewers, most of whom would have to be taken out on forklifts through holes cut in their walls? Was it a radical diet program that would limit the number of Dorito Tacos one can eat in one sitting?

No. It was a call to raise the marginal tax rate on the wealthy by 4%.

Now, we liberals, we might say that calling for a slight increase in taxes for the richest 2% of Americans "socialism" and "America hating," or, as Limbaugh put it, an idea coming from "A radical ideologue, a ruthless politician who despises the country and the way it was founded and the way in which it became great," is "fucking insane."

But what do we know? See, the other part of Limbaugh's rant was a psychoanalysis of liberals. You want to hear a man talk to a mirror and pretend it's someone else? Check this out - it's about as epically, awesomely delusional as Limbaugh gets:

"If you're an average liberal, you're sitting out there knowing that your life doesn't matter. If you're an average liberal, you're in desperate, vain search for meaning in your life because you know you don't have any. And everybody wants their lives to matter. Why are liberals so susceptible to running around and buying cheap little cars they think can 'save the planet'? 'Cause liberals come to 'em and say, 'You know what? You've destroyed the planet, but you can redeem yourself. You can save the planet!'

"Well, if you're sitting out there and you want your life to matter and it doesn't, and somebody comes along and tells you, 'You can save the planet; all you gotta do is drive a Prius,' well, there you are in the showroom in five minutes trying to make a deal 'cause you want to matter. Everybody wants to matter. So here come Obama, here comes Elizabeth Warren, and they try to tell you, 'Yeah, you know all you people sitting around in your underwear watching television all day? You actually made this happen!'"

And then he spit toothpaste into his face in the mirror.

Where do you wanna start? That you have to put on pants to go to the Toyota dealership? That a Prius ain't cheap and that one reason to buy it is to save money on gas?

Nah, that engages in an argument with a hippo, who will just look at you and then either charge or go on standing in muddy water, chomping roots. Instead, let's go with this: the desperation of conservatives at this point to defeat Barack Obama is reaching a fever pitch and they know they're not gonna do it with Romney. So instead, it's time to inflict as much damage as possible, to sink the ship because they don't like the captain. And why not, since they've already bribed the officers for a seat on the lifeboat.

Now, the Rude Pundit's pretty sure that doesn't fall into the "love your country" category.

(Update: In the "Wow, That Didn't Take Long" Department:  Now the Romney campaign is saying that Obama needs to "learn how to be an American." Torpedoes away.)

Limbaugh: Ferguson, Like Everything Else Everywhere, Is Obama's Fault

Bloated, saggy-titted doom gorgon Rush Limbaugh was talking to a caller to his radio spoogeatorium about Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson getting involved in the racial strife in Ferguson, Missouri. After predictably blasting Sharpton in the most predictably specious way (by saying some rumor that he even admitted was probably not true), Limbaugh made a logical leap that'd make Maureen Dowd say, "Oh, fucking come on. You can't do that."

Blurbled Rush, "[T]his is the Democrat Party, folks. The president of the United States is in charge of what's happened here. I think it is time for everybody to come to grips with a simple reality. I don't care what scandal you name -- Benghazi, Fast and Furious, take your pick, IRS - has anybody involved in any of these scandals been fired? Not a single person." Yes, somehow the diet of steak, cigars, cognac, Twinkies, oxy, and Dominican child semen got to Limbaugh's brain and caused it to overload. That's how he decided that the riots in Ferguson are Barack Obama's fault and are part and parcel of a clusterfuck of every fake scandal conservatives have been humping like a horny hobo with a dead horse.

But Limbaugh wasn't done fucking that corpse. Check out this almost breathtaking leap into the mouth of madness: "This is about wiping out the Republican Party. This is about wiping out the Libertarians. This is about wiping out anybody who opposes Obama. Every bit of this. This isn't Al Sharpton. This isn't Jesse Jackson. They're just tag-alongs now. This is Obama and Holder. But all of this is Barack Obama. Every event, every detail, every occurrence is Obama. And the end result is the end and absence of any opposition. So that's what Ferguson's all about, like all the rest of this has been about."

An average person, spouting this shit, declaring that Obama is all, Obama is eveything, Obama is the alpha, the omega, and every Greek letter in between, would rightly be dragged off screaming to scrawl manifestos in his own shit in a concrete room. How Ferguson is about eliminating the Republican Party is something that Limbaugh doesn't say, but, motherfuckers, it's so obviously true that you shouldn't need it explained. It's Obama, after all. Obama, bitches.

If you ever for a moment doubted that Rush Limbaugh was a dangerous cockhead, a puppetmaster who would delight in causing real and actual violence, here's the context he gives for Obama's maniacal drive for absolute power: "By the way, that's not just Obama. That's been the left. They are power mad. They are statists. You think there was opposition to the Soviet Union? You think Mao Tse-tung had opposition, the Gang of Eight, what happened to them, including Madam Mao? Slit throat, adios, see you, sayonara. I mean, they don't put up with it."

Now, what the fuck is a listener supposed to do with that bullshit? If you believe Rush, you believe that the president is turning the nation into the Soviet Union and will murder anyone who gets in his way. What are you supposed to do to stop it? 'Cause elections won't matter, right? It's an inferential call to violence. And Limbaugh would get off on that more than on a fistful of Viagra and a room of tied-up Salvadoran adolescent immigrants.

Obama, to Limbaugh, is a goddamn wizard of manipulation. See, Obama is appearing disinterested in leading and taking lots of vacations (two things that are totally up for argument) because he's faking us all out. Let Rush explain: "How do you get away with [eliminating all opposition] while everybody's looking? You go on vacation all the time. You act like you're opposed to what's going on. You act like you don't even care...Obama is front and center pulling every string, directing every movement of his administration. He is calling every shot. And, remember, a lot of them he doesn't have to verbalize." Ahh, with a wave of his hand, a wink, a nod, a junk-grab, he can signal that it's time to let Americans die in consulates.

Strangely, despite this massive amount of power that Obama uses with razor-sharp precision, Rush Limbaugh is allowed to go on the air and announce these theories without being silenced or murdered. Unless...Limbaugh himself is a tool of the Obama administration, making people believe they understand the truth when, in reality, it's...what? oh, hell, let's say lizard people.

Limbaugh Doctored Jesse Jackson Quote to Make It Look Like Jackson Opposes Obama:
So on his radio show yesterday, prior to asserting that he understood "the black frame of mind" and that black people were "feeling abandoned" in part because of "Tiger Woods' choice of females," Rush Limbaugh was trying to show that African Americans are turning against President Barack Obama by playing a clip of Rev. Jesse Jackson from The Tavis Smiey Show. Limbaugh said Smiley's question was, "Some think the blame Bush rhetoric no longer applies that Obama used successfully in the campaign."

Here's the transcript of Jackson's response, as presented by Limbaugh: "He essentially owns more and more. When Bush left office there were 30,000 troops in Afghanistan. We're now going to a hundred thousand, so we kind of own the Afghanistan mission. We bailed out the banks. We kind of own a plan now where you have more foreclosures than you do have modifications. We're losing jobs by the droves. Unemployment levels are disastrously high. We are the canary in the mine. We're on the front side of its pain and the backside of its prosperity. Urban America is black, but Appalachia basically is white. We must not be seen as marginal America."

Limbaugh then uses Jackson as a leaping off point to the supposed outrage of black Americans, saying, "How is that Hoax and Change working for you? They're all livid. I mean they thought there was going to be an exact 180 degree economic reversal and it's done nothing but get bad for everybody."

And Limbaugh might have a point, except that he's lying about Jackson. The audio of the clip is pretty smoothly done, but the Jackson quote is a Frankenstein's monster, strung together from edited pieces of two separate answers.

Smiley's question was: "There are some who believe that the blame Bush rhetoric that worked so well for the Obama team during the campaign no longer applies, on the economy, on the war -- he owns it now. You agree with that?"

Jackson's response was far more nuanced and actually blamed the Bush administration for putting the nation in its precarious position:
"Well, there's a continuity, but he essentially owns more and more. Bush left office with 30,000 troops in Afghanistan; we're now going to 100,000. So we kind of own the Afghanistan mission, for example. When Bush came in we were losing houses, foreclosures were outdistancing modifications.

"Now we bailed out the banks without linking to bailing out homeowners, and so we kind of own it planned out where you have more foreclosures than you have modifications. You own a situation where we're losing jobs by the droves without some plan to stop the hemorrhage and some kind of plan for economic reconstruction.

"The burden is upon us now. I think that there is still the awesome high hope for this president. It's early on. But you must judge him early on by the priorities and the priorities first with the bailout, the banks with no linkage to bailing out domestic America. Now the priorities shifted to bailing out Afghanistan and the healthcare plan. In the meantime, within these cities, the unemployment levels are disastrously high. Forty-nine million Americans are food-underserved. They're omitting meals or skipping meals, so to speak.

"So we need a real focus on domestic, urban poverty plan of the likes of a Lyndon Johnson. We need a domestic, urban poverty plan."

What the entire answer gives us is not a black leader angry at Obama, but a cautiously optimistic man who is hoping that the causes he worked on for his entire life won't be ignored again, as they were in the Bush administration.

The rest of the Limbaugh version, from "We are the canary in the mine" on, is from an entirely different question, where Jackson also said of jobs programs, "So when we cry out for help and we say putting America back to work, it affects everybody." In other words, it's a concern for all poor people, not just blacks, but blacks happen to be disproportionately poor.

After informing his audience about how he understands the emotional state of black people, Limbaugh offers another Jackson quote from the interview, also pasted together with chewing gum and lies. Smiley asks about how Jackson can "push back" against Obama when 90 percent of black people "love this president?"

Here's the Limbaugh version of the answer: "They also love to keep their houses and they also love their jobs. So the issue is about policy. It's not about our appreciation of the impact of this presidency. We found through the attorney generals that these major banks profiled blacks and Latinos. They circumvented community reinvestment laws. As opposed to getting a bailout, they should be facing the courts for breaking the law. On the black and brown side is where the water came in the boat. But the water didn't stop. It kept on coming, the water kept coming across. A rising tide will not lift those boats stuck at the bottom that have holes in them."

And now the actual quote (this is long, but you need it to know just how much Limbaugh tricks his audience): "And for all the right reasons. They'd also love to keep their houses, and they also love jobs. They also love some way to reduce student loan rates that are now driving us out of schools. It's issues about policy. It's not about our appreciation of the impact of his presidency; it's not about that at all. I think the quicker we get to the issue of direction and not complexion, then we can begin to focus on what do we need.

"We need targeted jobs now, for the unemployment, for all of us. Forty-nine million Americans who are food-underserved need a food-directed program now. As for the patterns of race discrimination, we've found through the attorney generals that these major banks target and profile Blacks and Latinos are still enclustered. That they've violated the laws, they've violated -- they've circumvented fair lending laws, they circumvented community reinvestment laws. As opposed to getting a bailout, they should be facing the courts for breaking the law.

"So really, the first step we need is the attorney general's role. If he would just step in to enforce the law, that is to stop -- to enforce the EEOC, to enforce contract compliance, to enforce affirmative action, to punish those who break the law, if he would just -- that would stop the hemorrhaging bottom-up. And that is the concern now, that unless we stop the patterns of discrimination, then we all lose.

"Put it this way, Tavis. On the Black and Brown side is where the water came in the boat. That was vulnerable spot. But the water didn't stop there, it kept on coming. In other words, what the lawsuits show is that a Black or Brown making $100,000 got a subprime, high-cost loan, and a White making $50,000 got a low-cost prime loan. That was discrimination.

"So on the front end, the banks profited from the loan not being enforced. The water kept coming until it affects -- because if my house goes in foreclosure, your house loses value. So now four and a half million homes lost to foreclosure, 20 million underwater. The water kept coming across. Now it's gone up to prime loans, and then credit cards, and then real estate.

"So the water that's now sinking the whole ship came in at the bottom, so if we would have, if you will, the Bobby Kennedy type aggressiveness, which -- and Holder is capable of that, I might add. We need the law -- if we just have the law enforced it's a big step, because for eight years, the law was not enforced.

Limbaugh is not just taking Jackson out of context. He's rewriting Jackson's words without saying at any point that he is selectively stringing together sentences in order to fit a narrative. Is that slander? And the narrative Limbaugh is trying to enforce is not only that Obama is losing black support because of some notion of betrayal, but that Jackson is not concerned with poverty, just race. Every reference to fighting poverty has been eliminated by Limbaugh.

Limbaugh concludes, "So there's trouble in paradise out there. The Reverend Jackson, his anger is pretty muted here but he's pretty mad." That may be true, but for his listeners, Jackson's real anger is misrepresented. Or, in other words, as ever, Rush Limbaugh is a big, fat liar.

In Brief: Limbaugh Knows He's Better Than You Are (Despite All Evidence to the Contrary):
Our story so far: torpid talk slob Rush Limbaugh spent three days last week calling 30 year-old Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke a "slut" and a "prostitute" who wants to fuck as often as her vagina can take it while the government pays for her birth control because she can't afford it. In the course of the three days, Limbaugh said he wanted Fluke and other women to send him videos of their intercourse. He talked about the "babes" fucking around. He said, repeatedly, that Sandra Fluke wants to be paid for having sex. He equated contraceptive pill coverage with a requirement to buy everyone a car if they like having sex in the back seat.

In the wake of the understandable uproar, sponsors began to flee Limbaugh's show this weekend. On Saturday, Limbaugh released a statement where he once again decided that the issue was about what women do with their leisure time and asked if the government should provide running shoes to those who want to exercise (meaning "Not Limbaugh"). He offered, "I chose the wrong words in my analogy of the situation," by which he meant "slut" and "prostitute," although one could certainly read that as saying, "I should have said 'whore' and 'cunt.'" And, after days of personally attacking Fluke, by name, Limbaugh said, "I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke...in the attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir." It's like a mugger taking your wallet and beating your face in, but saying that it's nothing personal. It's just business.

Today, on his show, Limbaugh went further. He insisted that his offense boiled down to the aforementioned two words, which is pretty much the definition of "doesn't get it" or "doesn't give a shit." Oh, he was sincere in apologizing, saying that he had become like people on the left, that he "ended up descending to their level."

That's right. The man who used to get rid of callers he didn't like with "caller abortions," complete with a vacuum sound and a baby crying, the man who mocked Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's disease with exaggerated shaking, said that "I've always tried to maintain a very high degree of integrity" on his show. Because he's so fucking noble.

Oh, he also admitted that he slanted the story about Fluke's testimony (well, really, he outright lied, but still...). Yes, he blamed the CNS story, "Sex-Crazed Co-Eds Going Broke Buying Birth Control, Student Tells Pelosi Hearing Touting Freebie Mandate," which he had cited repeatedly last week. Said Limbaugh today, "I focused on that because I was simply trying to persuade people, change people's minds." Screw facts. Screw the whole story. All that matters is that dittoheads know what to ditto.

And thus Limbaugh will go on, damaged, but unbowed. He's now tainted, but you can bet that all of his listeners see him as the victim here and that, six months, a year from now, nearly all of those sponsors will be back. But maybe, just maybe, he will be poisonous enough to be nothing more than a deranged cult leader, a deaf and dumb and dying dinosaur in the tar pit of his fading career.

Why Rush Limbaugh Should Be Force-Fed His Own Liposuctioned Fat:
Goddamn and Jesus Christ, oxycontin is great shit. You take the tabs and crush 'em down and snort 'em, gettin' that feelin' of euphoria so fuckin' fast that you just wanna fuck your engineer. Or you've already moved on to shootin' the shit up, in your thigh. The cool thing about oxycontin is how fuckin' good you feel about yourself when that warm, liquid sensation pours over your body, like when your manservant microwaves the oil before lubing up your belly. And you feel so fuckin' good that you think you're king of the motherfuckin' world, and everyone around you is wrong because you just feel so got-damn right. If you went to a bar, you might come on to the hottest chick there because you think you're so fuckin' hot and your cock is three inches bigger than it is. Or, if you're on the way down, if the crash is happenin' before you get to your next tab, you might pick a fight with the weakest pussy in the bar so you can kick his ass and feel so fuckin' good about yourself, enough to give you the rush until you get back to the bathroom and freebase that shit.

So Rush Limbaugh has decided to beat up on the 9/11 widows and familes. Maureen Farrell does a great job of summarizing Pleghmball's bullshit on Buzzflash. Or you can read the unedited horror in Limbaugh's own transcript. See, according to Limbaugh, the 9/11 widows who have said that showing the casket of a dead family member being pulled from the wreckage of the World Trade Center as part of a shill to get the President re-elected is perhaps desecrating the memory of the dead are tools of the Democratic party. Limbaugh says, "These women sound like campaign consultants, not grieving family members, and I was reluctant to make this charge," but he does, calling it "hateful":"I do not know this kind of hatred; I don't know this kind of venom; I don't harbor it; I never have; I don't know what it's like to be governed by this kind of rage, and I don't know what life must be like when it is. I cannot relate. I cannot relate to being obsessed with rage and hatred."

Of course Limbaugh can relate to this hatred. His program is all about a fat abused kid who gets to beat up on people who can't see his chins bobble when he spews his hatred: from Rush, the man who loves: "[Democrats are] a little bunch of Chihuahuas yapping at the heels of everybody, but their team is filled with a bunch of gorillas and lions and tigers called the mainstream press." This is a man who has no "rage," but calls John Kerry a "clown" and a "sick puppy" (apparently, Limbaugh's metaphors are limited to those that you can find at a zoo). This is a man who used to have a regular segment called "Radio Abortions," where he would "abort" listeners with the sound effect of a vacuum and a screaming baby. People used to call his show and say, "Rush, abort me!" He is a self-serving, self-hating bullshit artist, as we all know, but, more importantly, he is a sham.

And we know that because in his own words he backtracked on his defense of Howard Stern. After saying on his show that he "never listened" to Stern, but he felt like the FCC's attack on Stern was a blow to free speech, which could, after all, affect him some day, Limbaugh felt compelled to write an editorial taking back his support in order to give support to Clear Channel and the "free market." But, like a dope addict in the middle of a heroin bender where the addict thinks he is making clear connections in his thoughts, in the same editorial, he decries those who attack The Passion of the Christ by comparing it to the left's defense of Andres Serrano's Piss Christ, a photograph from 1989.

Yep, oxycontin is a great drug - it compresses time, making things years apart seem relevant, making subjects leap from sense to nonsense seem sensible.

Of course, as usual, Limbaugh is wrong about his statements that the Heinz Foundation was behind the 9/11 widows or that they were tools of the Democrats. Monica Gabrielle and Kristen Breitweiser, the aformentioned widows, point that out in letters on their group's website. So far, neither Limbaugh, nor any of the other conservative fucks who attacked those who have suffered, still suffer, and will continue to suffer who dared to question our President, have apologized.

"Hillbilly heroin" is fine, fine drug. It's constant use eliminated all pain, all bad thoughts, all conscience. All those burdensome things that get in the way of our egos displaying themselves, splayed like a Shanghai stripper or a gutted cow.

Why Rush Limbaugh Ought to Be Force-Fed His Own Liposuctioned Fat (Riot Edition):
So rotund sex tourist Rush Limbaugh, in his ongoing effort to make the Democratic nomination process as bloody as possible, has stated what one of his goals is for his "Operation Chaos," involving people (the zomboid "Dittoheads" listening to him) registering as Democrats or voting in open primaries in order to sow internecine warfare in the Democratic party. That goal is to so infect the process that there are riots at the Democratic National Convention in Denver. And, no, that's not an exaggeration or taking this fat fuck out of context. Here he is on Wednesday on his show (quoted extensively before it goes up behind his wallet-sucking wall):

"This is about chaos. This is why it's called Operation Chaos! It's not called Operation Save Hillary. It's not called Operation Nominate Obama. It's called Operation Chaos! The dream end... I mean, if people say what's your exit strategy, the dream end of this is that this keeps up to the convention and that we have a replay of Chicago 1968, with burning cars, protests, fires, literal riots, and all of that. That's the objective here."

A bit later, talking to a caller, Limbaugh confirms this, comparing Republican behavior to Democratic behavior:
"We don't burn our cars. We don't burn down our houses. We don't kill our children. We don't do half the things the American left does. We need the American left -- and this is another great thing about Operation Chaos; nothing to do with my ego. We need as many ignorant Americans to wake up and find out exactly who the modern-day Democrat Party is as dominated by the far left in this country. We need that to be seen. Now, I am not inspiring or inciting riots. I'm dreaming. (singing to the tune of 'White Christmas') 'I'm dreaming of riots in Denver.' Remember 1968? And which party did that? It was the radicals in that party, the anti-war radicals, the same bunch of clowns that are running around defining the Democrat Party today."

Limbaugh claims that Al Sharpton and Democratic Party "members" have already said "'There will be riots' or something to that effect."

Now, it's pathetically useless to argue facts with Limbaugh and his hordes of over-carbed, Bush-beaten-down, scapegoat-huntin' listeners. You could point out that it was a bunch of white Republicans who more or less rioted in 2000 in Broward County, Florida and shut down the recount there. You could point out that what Al Sharpton actually said was that if the superdelegates overturn the will of the majority of voters and pledged delegates, there could be "demonstrating" at the convention. Of course, Limbaugh says that "demonstrating" is just code for "riot." Perhaps he thinks that it's some kind of hip-hop lingo to the porcine pundit. (Actual Limbaugh quote: "Okay, what does demonstrating mean? The Reverend Sharpton is the one who put this notion out there.")

Over in Denver, they're not too happy about a major radio personality hoping for riots in their town. It's sort of like telling a man that you dream of him being raped and then you tell a whole bunch of stupid people with hard-ons that you hope he's raped. You can argue whether or not you are advocating for his rape, but the line between "dreaming of" and "advocating" is so fuckin' thin that, well, let's say it doesn't exist.

And, fuck, let Limbaugh confirm it, as he did yesterday: "[W]e had a call from a woman named Lisa in Atlanta who was tarring me as a racist when she was the actual racist, because of my desire to see the Democrat convention break down exactly as it did in 1968 in Chicago with Democrats beating up on Democrats in the streets."

So there you go, conservatives so concerned about Barack Obama's association with a professor of education who was involved in a violent Vietnam War protest group 40 years ago: Rush Limbaugh wants there to be violence in the streets of Denver this summer. It is his "desire," he "dreams" of it, that it's his "objective." But, hey, if he says he's not "inspiring" or "inciting" it, he must be telling the truth.

It would be like porn to him, sitting there in his leather Herman Miller, his enormous flat-screen glowing with the cars on fire, reflecting off the broken glass in the street, empty box of Kleenex and empty jar of Vaseline, desperately jacking off his flaccid, scabby, tiny dick one more time, popping bootleg Viagra to try to get hard, thinking, "Yes, dreams do come true."

Rush Limbaugh wants violence in the streets of an American city. He wants destruction, and he wants people hurt, maybe killed, including police officers. And he has decided to use his followers to make this violence happen. Now, how is he different than Osama bin Laden?

(Tip o' the rude hat to Crooks and Liars, where you can hear some of the audio.)

Why Rush Limbaugh Ought To Be Force-Fed His Own Liposuctioned Fat (Nuclear Edition):
Voracious hogbeast Rush Limbaugh has been a-jigglin' his jowls in utter delight at the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Oh, ho, oh, ho, what fun it's been to mock tree-huggers for thinking that multiple nuclear reactors leaking radiation into the atmosphere and water might cause some to reflect on the safety of currently-revered nuclear power plants. He blares his soundbites of commentators on TV asking about the "worst-case scenario," and then he derides them for overreacting to the crisis.

This would be the same man who said just this past Friday that the modest health care reform bill needs to be repealed or "the country as we know it is over." You got that? Worrying about the possibility of nuclear meltdown at damaged reactors where the rods are exposed? That's the ludicrous liberal media hyping something for ratings. Limbaugh saying that America is done if a legally passed law is implemented? He's a fuckin' prophet, man. It's sort of like saying that doctor-shopping for oxycontin scrips is just great, but pot is wrong. Pot ain't gonna kill ya, man.

Of course, according to Limbaugh, liberals and the media are just beggin' for a disaster in Japan. Referring to CNN, Limbaugh gargled, "They want the nuclear meltdown. They want the Japanese syndrome, if you will." (By the way, if there was a "Japanese syndrome," it'd just melt through to the ocean somewhere off Argentina.) And, like any good conservative, Limbaugh laughed at the victims for not wanting to trash their country even further. ABC's Diane Sawyer went to a shelter to show how the survivors were recycling their garbage, not just tossing it on the heap, which is apparently what Limbaugh wanted, so it'd be like the piles of Twinkies wrappers, cum-sticky tissues, empty moisturizer tubes, cigar ashes, and pill bottles that fill the side of his studio chair and floor of his bedroom.

Limbaugh reacted with madness in its bugfuckingest form: "The Japanese have done so much to save the planet...They've given us the Prius. Even now, refugees are still recycling their garbage, and yet, Gaia levels 'em. Just wipes 'em out. She wipes out their nuclear plants, all kinds of radiation...What is Gaia trying to tell us here? What is the mother of environmentalism trying to say with this hit?"

At night, the world muted to his ears, Rush Limbaugh watches the coverage of the earthquake damage and the burgeoning nuclear crisis. On the bed, he keeps a big book of photos from Hiroshima and Nagasaki; victims with horrible burns are such a turn-on. He's shoving a vibrator into his prostate, one that he calls "Little Boy." He'd've named it "Fat Man," but that seemed redundant. Yes, American triumphalism and mastery of the atom, all mixed together, and he's smacking his dick, hoping that he'll blow a mushroom cloud and not just a dribble of atoms.

Why Rush Limbaugh Should Be Force-Fed His Own Liposuctioned Fat:
Okay, the Rude Pundit has said it before, and it bears saying again: what happens to celebrities has little or nothing to do with the day-to-day lives of Americans. It doesn't matter to the general public if Michael Jackson is forcing cancer-ridden children to anally rape Bubbles the Chimp on the back of giraffe. And Paris Hilton's "pain" is not ours. It doesn't fucking matter.

Unless it does. Unless the dirty deeds of the rich and famous reveal something larger. Like, say, Rush Limbaugh's drug addiction. While Limbaugh thrashes and burns on the air like Captain Queeg on the witness stand, the noose is tightening around his fleshy, fat-depleted neck. His doctors' offices are being raided for records showing that Limbaugh "doctor-shopped," that is, got prescriptions from multiple doctors to feed his voracious appetite for hillbilly heroin. And Limbaugh has his lawyer, Roy Black, out making the rounds of the talk shows, defending the thousands and thousands of illegal pills Limbaugh ingested, saying that the prosecutors are looking to "publicly embarass" Limbaugh. "Why is Rush Limbaugh the only person treated like this in America?" said Black , apparently unaware that the answer to that question is: "Because he's rich and white - otherwise his ass would already be behind bars for possession with intent."

Ultimately, though, the Rush Limbaugh case, for all the delightful things we can say about that fat fuck finally getting his comeuppance, demonstrates something about the right in this country. So many who would proclaim righteousness and rightness are rotten at their core. They are diseased. They are the syphilitic whores of political discourse - you pick one up because she looks good, but, fuck, the diseases you get after the fucking.

Rush will flail about until he can flail no more, when he's finally, completely, shat-upon dead as a voice. But, like capturing the local drug lord, nothing will stop until you stop the demand.

Rude Pundit Vacation Rerun #2: The Same People Saying the Same Shit About Immigration

Rude Pundit Vacation Rerun #2: The Same People Saying the Same Shit About Immigration:
(The Rude Pundit is on a much-deserved [according to him] vacation. So he's rerunning old blog posts that are strangely still relevant now. Today's is from April 11, 2006 and it's about Rush Limbaugh and Michelle Malkin flipping the fuck out over even the weakest plan to bring sanity to our immigration policies. Oh, and the links might not work because they're old, man.)

The Crazed Right Tries To Deal With a Rising Tide:
Conservatives are going bugfuck nutzoid at the immigration protests yesterday. To read and/or watch the right wing punditry is to witness the bittersweet sight of a pack of rabid mongrels drowning in a flooded alleyway. Yeah, it's kind of painful to see them suffer, paws trying to desperately find solid ground, whines coming through their foaming mouths, but, you know, fuck 'em - all they did was rip up the garbage, chase the children, and spread disease.

Rush Limbaugh, a man who should be fed his own oxycontin-infused liposuctioned fat, offers us his insights on what people might be thinking when they see the protests: "'Look at all the yard work not being done. Look at all the bathrooms in Los Angeles not being cleaned today. Don't they have jobs?'" But Limbaugh is clever, like the guy who says, "I have a friend who's so fuckin' fat and stoned all the time that he can't get an erection to save his life or his relationship with a hot news anchoress. What d'ya suggest?" and you're thinkin', "Sure, yeah, your friend, huh?" See, Limbaugh says that "some of you say" the openly racist shit, as if, no, it's not him, he's only the voice of the people, if by "people," you mean "slavering monkeys for whom discourse is flinging their own shit outside their cages."

Limbaugh's also in a tizzy because, according to the bloated bloviator, Democrats not only see the protests as an opportunity for voters already here, but see amnesty as a means to "a permanent Democratic majority." Without even getting into the mind-blowing hypocrisy of a Republican, a supporter of Tom DeLay, decrying the tactics of a party for going for a permanent majority, let's just let the man twist in the wind himself: "You're looking at a demand for the recreation of the welfare state. You're looking at a marched demand, a protested demand, for the recreation of statism, big government socialism. You had people marching today basically for socialism...Hell's bells, folks, these people are being promised socialism. These people are promised they can vote, and they're being promised benefits. They're going to be able to suckle the giant teat of the federal pig, and that's what they know, and that's one of the reasons -- not all, but there's a good number of them that are coming for that reason. The electoral system is under assault here. The Democrats want to legalize felon voting. They want to now legalize the voting of illegals, voting rights for illegals." Goddamn, it must suck to have to fill three hours every day with the sound of your own madness. You just say shit, even if what you're saying Democrats want to do would require amending the U.S. Constitution without, you know, pointing that out.

In any sane nation, Rush Limbaugh would be a homeless junkie, shouting on street corners before he pissed himself again. If Rush Limbaugh was in a crack house, havin' those jittery rock comedowns, the shakes before the pipe, the other crackheads would be screaming at him to shut the fuck up or someone's gonna shove a cock in his mouth.

Which leads, quite naturally, to Michelle Malkin, who really does need to be caged like a rabid shih-tzu. Malkin has been doing the whole "lookie-here-who's-a-protestin'" thing, showing that in groups of hundreds of thousands of marchers, there's gonna be some fringe elements that Malkin's gonna use to discredit the entire movement. Oooh, look, some Larouche supporters, some Black Panthers, some Communistas, oh, my. Oh, no, someone's sayin' somethin' bad about poor ol' Lou Dobbs. You know, could someone introduce Malkin to a group of white white supremacists and see what they have to say to her Asian ass?

The most bizarre thing Malkin and Limbaugh both trotted out was the fact that Ted Kennedy spoke at the DC protest. Shocked, shocked they were that the man who co-wrote the Senate Judiciary Committee's original bill on immigration reform might actually have something to say on the subject. Read Kennedy's speech - it's rhetorically pretty mild, but energetic as hell.

Malkin, Limbaugh, and the rest have to discredit the protests. Because the water's risin' fast, and the last bits of debris are floatin' by, and all the diseased mongrels have to figure out what they're gonna cling to so they can ride it out or just plunge under the water.

Why Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh Ought to Be Dropped Into Haiti as Food (Updated):
Seriously, did you think that Pat Robertson wasn't going to be a completely batshit insane fuckbag about Haiti? C'mon: natural disaster, scary black people, hoodoo-voodoo shit? It's the first Jesus boner Robertson's had in over four years, since he blamed New Orleans for being some kind of gay, sinning magnet for Hurricane Katrina. Robertson said that Haiti only overthrew colonial control because the slaves there made a pact with the devil. "True story," he assured us, despite the fact that it's false. (Sure, yeah, fine, Robertson's got relief organizations working in Haiti. Doesn't make him less of an asshole.)

By the way, if you wanna prove your God is so goddamn powerful, let him cause an earthquake somewhere that's not on a fault line, or let him whip up a hurricane in, say, the middle of the desert. Otherwise, shut the fuck up about how big and strong he is. In fact, Pat Robertson, you saggy, sick, senile fuck who needed to be ground up into soylent green about a decade ago or buried alive with Jerry Falwell's corpse, if your God is such a dick that he'd try to prove some bullshit point by flattening a country of poor, beaten down people, then fuck your God. Motherfucker oughta spend some time hanging with his son to learn how to treat the meek. (And as for Robertson's nodding sidekick there, Kristi Watts, others have put it quite nicely.)

Other ugliness will rear its ugly head, as is the wont of ugliness. And while writing about Rush Limbaugh twice in one week is like researching burn victim goatse (Note: don't), the man who sadly did not die a couple of weeks ago used the Haiti earthquake as a way to attack President Barack Obama in many bizarre ways.

- According to Limbaugh, there's some kind of equivalence between the deluded fucktard who sparked his balls aflame on an airplane on Christmas and a major catastrophe that has destroyed a country and probably killed tens of thousands of people: "Now, I want you to remember, it took him three days to respond to the Christmas Day Fruit of Kaboom Bomber, three days. And when he came out after those three days, he was clearly irritated that he had to do it. He didn't want to do it. He comes out here in less than 24 hours to speak about Haiti." It's a little like saying, "How dare those bastards in the ER deal with a code blue heart attack while I'm sitting here with an ass pimple that needs popping."

- Limbaugh joins his callers in making raising suspicions about going to the White House website in order to find out where to donate:
CALLER: My question is, why did Obama in the sound bite you played earlier, when he's talking about if you wanted to donate some money, you can go to WhiteHouse.gov --

RUSH: Yeah.

CALLER: -- to direct you how to do so. If I want to donate money to the Red Cross, why do I need to go to the WhiteHouse.gov page and --

RUSH: Exactly. Would you trust that the money is going to go to Haiti?

CALLER: No.

RUSH: Would you trust that your name is going to end up on a mailing list for the Obama people to start asking you for campaign donations for him and other causes.

CALLER: Absolutely.

RUSH: Absolutely right.

So the President gives people an easy way to get information on where to donate and, for Limbaugh and his ball-lapping listeners, it's some kind of conspiracy where Obama will end up breaking the law in order to get campaign contributions.

- Because, ultimately, as Limbaugh says, Obama coming out to talk about Haiti the next day is just a cynical political ploy: "This will play right into Obama's hands. He's humanitarian, compassionate. They'll use this to burnish their, shall we say, 'credibility' with the black community -- in the both light-skinned and dark-skinned black community in this country. It's made-to-order for them. That's why he couldn't wait to get out there, could not wait to get out there." Does it even need to be said that Obama probably needs no help at all with the black vote in this country? That, at this point, he'd have to do something pretty fucking awful in order to lose it? It's not just a cruel statement by Limbaugh; it's dumb.

Oh, by the way, George W. Bush had a statement out about the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami within 24 hours of its occurrence. Guess that was just to burnish his credibility with Sri Lankans and Indonesians.

At this point, Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson need to be bundled up with some canned goods and dropped into Port au Prince in packages marked, "Meat." Griot up those motherfuckers. It's about the only way they'd be useful.

Update: Just to demonstrate how very fucked Limbaugh's remarks are, even the Rude Pundit's designated punching Townhall.com bag, Kevin McCullough, who mentions that he has an adopted son from Haiti, is urging his readers/listeners to donate to earthquake relief without any sort of political agenda. (By the way, Kevster, this doesn't mean that the Rude Pundit loves you any more than he already does.)

Why Rush Limbaugh Ought to Be Force-Fed His Own Liposuctioned Fat, Part 89: "Phony Soldiers" in Context Edition:
One secret you don't hear about Rush Limbaugh is that the chair he sits on in his studio has actually merged with his ass, that the fat of his buttocks and upper thighs draped over the sides of the seat like fleshy globs of melted marshmallow, in essence swallowing the chair. Now, conveniently, wherever he goes, he can sit. Yeah, it's rough on his back, but, in the long run, it's less walking and standing, so the joints in his worn out legs get a break. That chair is the longest, most successful relationship he's ever had.

A man has to have mighty big things shoved up his ass in order to call any soldier who served time in Iraq "phony" because he or she wants the war to end. But Rush Limbaugh is the right man with the right ass at the right time. We know how this is gonna go: It was taken out of context, it's a smear. He'll do the O'Reilly dance. Limbaugh's gonna say that he didn't believe a caller, Mike in Chicago, was the military man he claimed to be. And he really meant people who fraudulently claimed they were soldiers, like, as he mentions, the strange story of Jesse Macbeth.

But here's the thing: read the context and the entire transcript. "Mike" is trying to get Limbaugh to say when the war can end. He says he used to be military and he's a Republican, to which Limbaugh responds, "And I, by the way, used to walk on the moon." When the next caller, who sports wood for the war, says that he's been in the military for 14 years, Limbaugh says, "Thank you, sir." Yep, Rush has amazing radiographic psychic powers to know which people on the other end of the phone are telling the truth about their lives.

But Mike in Chicago doesn't live up to Rush's paradigm - and here's the nutzoid right's warning to Republicans: Rush tells Mike in Chicago, "You can't possibly be a Republican" and that "I don't know a single Republican or conservative, Mike, who wants to pull out of Iraq in defeat." That's how you know now if you're a real Republican, according to Rush: you gotta want to kill more American soldiers and Iraqis. Oh, and apparently there's a qualitative difference between Chuck Hagel's withdrawal desire and Harry Reid's.

Then, because bugfuck insane just isn't far enough for Rush, he says, "[A]ll of these anti-war Democrats are getting even more hell-bent on pulling out of there, which means that success on the part of you and your colleagues over there is a great threat to them." Get it? Democrats want the troops to fail in whatever the hell the troops are doing. They, actually, want more troops to die because that'll mean they lost.

Phony soldiers, phony Republicans, traitorous Democrats. It's funny, really, in a Duke Cunningham gets raped in prison kind of way, to watch the implosion of the bloviating right. Between Limbaugh's degradation of soldiers who aren't bloodthirsty enough for him and O'Reilly's discovery that black pimps don't beat their ho's at restaurants, we're witnessing the desperate gasping for air of a movement that was degraded from the start, but has now become about as valid as a serial rapist giving fashion tips to high school girls.