Rapist President Donald Trump bombed at his White House Correspondents Dinner speech/stand-up routine as hard as he keeps threatening to bomb Iraq. He completely decimated comedy. He died horribly, just not permanently. The WHCD (motto: "Democracy dies because of us") itself is a completely idiotic vestige of a time long since dead, when journalists and politicos would drink and leak and fuck and threaten and drink some more with each other, where the proximity and access to power was and still is more important than telling the powerful to shove it up their asses and holding them accountable for their fuckery. It should have been stopped after Stephen Colbert's evisceration of it in 2006. After this past Friday night's debacle, any member of the media capable of shame should be begging forgiveness to get their reamed credibility back. They sat and let Trump brag and bully, degrade and insult, not in good fun, but with hatred and malice towards them, with the threat of violence looming around him, like Mussolini at an open mic with his Blackshirts eyeballing the crowd. I'd say that it was brave of the gathered press to not laugh, but they gave up courage when they entered the room and stayed as it became apparent they were there for an incoherent rant against them masked as a comedy routine. He came to their party at their invitation and he shit out an egg.
One of the things about Trump's speech is that the jokes, however shitty, were in there, but he bumblefucked the delivery like a brain-damaged clown sucking down instead of blowing up the balloons, swallowing them instead of making animals for the sobbing kids at the disaster of a party. More than anything in his pathetic life, Trump wants to be the uber-showman. He does his little double-jack-off dance because it gets a positive reaction from the idiot hordes. He does his rallies of the damned because he deeply needs to be the jolly entertainer, except he can't help but be his actual dickscab self, head so far up his own ass that he's his own echo chamber.
You haven't heard many of these lines of Trump's from the WHCD unless you watched the whole thing, and you wouldn't do that unless you're the kind of masochist who loves to get spike-gloved fisted while the vice on your balls is tightened to "rupture."
1. Talking about the previous WHCD, which was cut short by a shooting: "After hearing the gunshots, many people yelled, 'Get down, get down,' which caused Nicki Minaj to start twerking. Do you believe it? 'Get down.' She’s the only one that really understood what that meant. It’s quite an evening."
If you told me that this was schtick from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (or, you know, Robert Smigel), where he does a cringey joke to mock that style of hacky comedy, I'd have believed you. Really, the whole routine works better if you hear it in Triumph's voice.
2. There was an attempt at a series of supposed jokes about who else could have fought at the UFC event at the White House. "I can exclusively reveal to you this evening that for the heaviest of the heavyweights, we will have sloppy Chris Christie — one of the sloppiest human beings you’ll ever meet — fighting, I would say, I could mention the governor of Chicago, but I’m going to mention instead Jerry Nadler. And they’re fighting for a big piece of cheesecake. Big, fat piece of cheesecake. Who the hell wrote that line?"
Motherfucker, we all know who wrote the line. He can try to palm it off on a writing staff composed of Joe Rogan rejects, but it was him. You know it was. And no one thinks of Nadler as fat anymore because it's been over 20 years since he lost a ton of weight, so the whole insult of the thing doesn't even work. Don Rickles should rise from his grave to smack Trump's stupid face and call him a "hockey puck."
3. Talking about Bruce Springsteen: "In a recent concert, Bruce — all he did was talk politics. He ought to run for office. That’d be interesting. But all he talked about — he made four political speeches in his three-hour show. The tour has been renamed 'Bored in the USA.'"
Man, that would have killed in 1985.
4. Trump treated the event as a roast, which just gave him the chance to say the same weak, sub-middle school insults he's been using for years: "They thought about going with a professional clown for entertainment, but Adam 'Shifty' Schiff was not available.You know, I called him — I hate some people, you know. I shouldn’t say this. I’m president. I’m not supposed to hate him. I’m supposed to love everybody, but he’s a terrible person. He’s a liar. And I called him 'watermelon head' because he has the largest head I’ve ever seen with the smallest neck — pencil neck. How does that big, fat, ugly head stand on a little pencil neck?"
I'm sure that Katie Miller, fondling her husband Stephen under the table, gave an extra big giggle, as did everyone in the section for evil scumfuckers who exist to huff Trump's fart fumes.
5. "I thought Kaitlan [Collins] had really made it big with a major new sponsorship, but then I informed her that it wasn’t her on the Bud Light can. It was Dylan Mulvaney."
See, it's allegedly funny because he's saying that Collins looks like an attractive, talented trans woman and that's supposed to be an insult. Trump could have stopped there, but he can't fucking help himself. He's gotta pretend to be the smartest, wisest asshole in the proctology museum, so he went on: "And Dylan Mulvaney cost Bud Light $35 billion in market cap. That was the worst commercial ever made, by the way, for those few people that want to hear that. Most people don’t care, but I would. I wouldn’t want to hire Dylan anytime soon. Think of it. They hired Dylan Mulvaney, their market cap has gone down by $35 billion. Who wrote that commercial?" I don't think Mulvaney was even there, so it's just anti-trans shit for the sake of being anti-trans.
6. "I was disappointed that Gavin Newsom didn’t show up. He didn’t show up. He should be here. But I heard that he recently said that we will lose our country if we don’t fight fire with fire. And to be fair, there’s only one thing we know about Gavin, and that’s that he definitely doesn’t want to fight fire with water. He’s got a lot of water, never uses. What a disaster. That should’ve never happened."
Ha, ha, ha, entire towns burned down and people died. Hilarious.
7. Of course, there's the general cockknobbery that he can't help: "[California's] becoming such a horrible and dangerous location that Ilhan Omar, one of my favorites, and her brother are thinking about moving in together, very much in love."
8. Trump then moved to the racist part of the evening where he tried to dig at Senator Elizabeth Warren, also not present, with his usual "Pocahontas" smear, which led to him at first hedging on the outright racist imagery, but then just plunging in, and then acting coy about it: "Senator Warren did not accept our invitation to debate. I wanted to debate her in various and sundry things, and she decided not to do it. And I decided to bury the hatchet. It doesn’t matter. And she — well, I’m not going to say this next one. Do you want to hear this one? How bad? She wasn’t high up on her totem pole. Who the hell wrote that? No. She’s bad news."
9. Was there blatant antisemitism and Islamophobia? Of course there was: "[Chuck Schumer] is a proud, very proud Palestinian. In fact, I’m going to send him a beautiful Palestinian outfit tomorrow so he can greet Bibi Netanyahu when he comes to town next week, along with the mayor who I’m sure would love to meet Bibi. They’re not treating Bibi too well, but Chuck wanted to join us tonight, but he didn’t want to be violating many parts of the Palestinian rules, regulations, and certainly, he didn’t want to violate Sharia law — his new founding."
10. And then there's the one you might have heard, but maybe you don't understand what the joke was supposed to be: "The other day, a senator I knew got a text, a great guy, from his wife. And she said, 'When you get home, I want to have you immediately come up the stairs and make love to me.' And he said, 'I can’t do both.' You know what? In other words, can’t go up the stairs and make love. Does anybody get that?"
Sigh. For fuck's sake, this is an old one-liner. The joke is that she said, "Come up the stairs and make love to me" and when he says, "I can't do both," he means if he ejaculates on the stairs he can't fuck his wife, which is both a dumb (with a "b") pun and incredibly selfish. So the president of the United States made a jizz joke and he was too stupid to realize it and then explained it in the wrong way. By the way, Trump said that this was "That was actually the only thing I thought was good in this whole freaking stupid speech that they wrote." It never occurred to him not to give the "freaking stupid speech" if it was so fucking awful.
It really sounds like Trump had a quick, terrible written routine he was supposed to do, and then he just interpolated his entire rally rant on top of it, adding in shit about the fucking ballroom, Iran, the supposedly newly-safe DC, the "Czech crystal" in the chandeliers in the place they were dining, and other complete non-sequiturs. And then, on top of that, he just riffed on whatever dull sparks kindled in his shorted-out brain, like the weather during the UFC match or the weather on July 4.
And then he sat back down and fell asleep while the rest of us wondered how much longer we had to be awake through this embarrassing, tragic period of history.
