Trump to America Today: Democracy Is for Suckers and Losers

I gotta tell you: I watched Trump's appearance today in the White House press room with enough burning schadenfreude to power a small city. As much as I wanted to be appalled and saddened and enraged, mostly what I thought was "Suffer, motherfucker." If Biden ends up winning, as almost everyone seems to believe he will, this excruciating ballot count will have been worth it because Donald Fucking Trump was dragged down into the shit he created, watching it all fall apart. Sure, a swift ending would have been preferable, but this is so obviously tearing his tiny brain and his titanic ego to shreds that I'll take it. 

The whole thing was just a trip into the kind of madness that you find in people who have seen a naked Rudy Giuliani. In addition to declaring that there was voter fraud everywhere he is losing or might lose, Trump mocked Democrats for the amount of spending on losing Senate races and accused pollsters of being in on the fraud. "The pollsters got it knowingly wrong. They got it knowingly wrong," he slurred. "We had polls that were so ridiculous and everybody knew it at the time." This is the same guy who fucking loved to jack it to besting the poll numbers. Now, it's all a conspiracy against him. Motherfucker, we'd have been so much less tense right now if Nate Silver had said, "Oh, this is gonna be another fuckin' squeaker."

His statements on the vote counts were ludicrously dumb. He blurged, "We were up by nearly 700,000 votes in Pennsylvania. I won Pennsylvania by a lot." That was when just 52% of the votes were counted. You know this is the kind of dick who flips the checkers board when he thinks he might fall behind and then declares himself the winner.

And, after saying that "Republicans have become the party of the American worker," Trump shit all over the workers at the polls. "The officials overseeing the counting in Pennsylvania and other key states are all part of a corrupt Democrat machine that you’ve written about," he turded, as if the Republican governors of Georgia and Arizona are somehow negligible participants here. 

Then, in the weirdest act of self-fellatio, he asserted about Pennsylvania, "I went to school there and I know a lot about it." He went to the University of Pennsylvania from 1966-68. So he is saying that his time as an asshole student in his junior and senior years over 50 years ago gives him the insight into Pennsylvania election shenanigans. In fact, he said, "It hasn’t changed since a long time ago and hasn’t changed. It has gotten worse." That is "time to take Ol' Yeller out back"-levels of pathetic.

Trump lied and he lied and then he lied some more. And some of them were things he knows are lies and some of them were things that he just doesn't understand but refuses to learn because fuck you, learning is for losers. He thinks that if you don't want him reelected, you must be part of an evil cabal that is trying to undermine democracy because, surely, democracy can only have one outcome. And fuck those Black cities of Philadelphia and Detroit for being Black and therefore corrupt.

It's what he's been telling us for the last four years, since he insisted that his loss of the popular vote to Hillary Clinton had to be because of undocumented immigrants voting by the millions in California. It's what he's been telling us by saying that voting by mail in a pandemic is bad and instead spread coronavirus through rallies and, likely, through telling millions of people to stand in line to vote. You know what we get from that? The biggest numbers of COVID infection since the whole thing began.

And of course he's going to take all this to court. It's all he does. He's the whiniest fucking Karen in history, always asking to speak to the manager, always demanding that he get special treatment, always demanding that system bend to his cruel and avaricious ass.

He could have worn a fucking mask. But he thought he was too good for it.  The same goes for the law. The same goes for democracy.

Yeah. Suffer, motherfucker.