What Biden Ought to Say at Tonight's Debate (Rude Version)

At the start of tonight's first presidential debate, Democratic candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden ought to look at President and failed business tool Donald Trump and say:

"Goddamn, you are pathetic. I mean, seriously, you are just pathetic. Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and think, 'Jesus, what a pathetic piece of shit I am. Just a broke-ass bitch fronting as a tycoon'? You're a fuckin' joke. Yeah, you won the presidency because you massaged the prostate of racism in the assholes of enough stupid motherfuckers to make them jizz all over the voting booth and drag your fat ass over the Electoral College finish line, but, Jesus fucking Christ, man. You think I'm on drugs? What shit must be running through your clogged arteries to make you even able to get up in the morning without collapsing under the weight of all your failure? 

"I mean, c'mon, man, you lost all the money you took from your awful, cruel dickhead of a father. You made $400 million bucks on your bullshit TV show and you not only lost all that, but you lost another $400 mill. You're a fuckin' bum. You're worse than the guy who goes to the track and bets the mortgage payment on a long shot because he got a hot tip and then goes to a loan shark to cover him when he loses his ass so he's not thrown out in the street. That poor bastard might get his legs broken. But you? You'll have to have a fuckin' fire sale of secrets and shit to the highest Russian bidder to make it so you're not suckin' down polonium in your Diet Coke.

"What in the fuckin' universe made you think you could be president, you fuckin' mattress sales model, you shitty steak hawker, you Bernie Madoff without the class? Look at what you've done, man. Look at the fuckin' waste you've left behind. 200,000 and more dead from coronavirus, hundreds of thousands more with long-term damage to their health. And you knew. You fuckin' knew how bad this was. Barack and I even left you a step by step goddamn plan for when this happened, but you are so fucking arrogant and racist and filled with hatred for President Obama that you tossed it aside and followed your gut, even though it has led you to catastrophe every time in your worthless life. You keep promising everyone it's gonna go away and that shit's not happening. It didn't have to be like this except for the fucked-up fact that you're president.

"Meanwhile, you're not doing a goddamn thing to help the working men and women of this country as they bumblefuck around in the darkness you created to try to survive. You use Bill Barr, that walking, talking pile of shit, to fuck up anti-racist protesters while letting motherfucking Nazis parade around with their guns, all to make your animal voters hoot and honk in approval. And, on top of all that, you keep acting like the economy that was handed to you on a silver fucking platter from President Obama is your doing. Bitch, we brought unemployment down over 5 points. You brought it down 1 before you COVID-fucked the country. You just put your name on someone else's work, which is all the fuck you know how to do.

"I'd feel sorry for you if you expressed a single regret, if you said you fucked it all up royally, if you said, 'Yeah, I'm in over my head.'  And it's not that you don't have the sense that God gave a pig. It's that you know you're a fucking bullshit artist and you don't care how many people that hurts. That's what makes you the shittiest fucking human being I've ever seen in my life and I've been in a room with Muammar Gaddafi. The only way you can win this election is by cockblocking the voters, by braying like an ass about corruption that doesn't exist except where you do it, by letting Russia fuck with the voting machines, and who the hell knows what else. You want violence if you lose because you fucking get off on it like you get off on watching hookers piss and snorting Adderall until your tits bleed. 

"And, by the way, if you say one more word about any of my kids, I'll reach into the ground and rip out Roy Cohn's bones and fuck you in the ass with his femur. 

"Go tweet some bullshit, rip off some rubes, finger fuck your daughter, and leave this beat-up country alone. The rest of us have real work to do.

"How was that for someone you think has dementia, you lying motherfucker? I eagerly await your response, you sad, flaccid dick."