Andrew Cuomo Fucks Mitch McConnell's Shit Up

It's something that doesn't get said much, but all those red states, all those states with their MAGA citizens looking down at the northeastern libtards who want immigrants but not guns, whose schools teach science and actual history, who elect Democrats, fer chrissakes, yeah, those states pretty much fucking stay in existence because of the northeast. New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and Massachusetts are carrying your asses because of the tax revenue generated up here. You should be kissing our feet and thanking God or whatever that we live in a nation that includes our states and you're not on your own.

But it took New York Governor Andrew Cuomo to remind us of that fact this past week in another of his moments where he looked at his bucket of fucks and found it completely empty. Unprompted, Cuomo responded to Senate Majority Leader and Man Who Perpetually Looks Like a Little Boy Who Saw a Vagina for the First Time Mitch McConnell saying that the states should be able to declare bankruptcy and that any help to states during this coronavirus crisis is "a blue-state bailout." Cuomo went after that bespectacled, evil tortoise/human hybrid like a street fighter who decided to make an example out of the wannabe tough guy who pinched his girl's ass.

By name, Cuomo called out McConnell at his Thursday press briefing, saying, "Senator Mitch McConnell goes out and he says, 'Maybe the states should declare bankruptcy.' Okay. This is one of the really dumb ideas of all time." He compared the willingness to help fund airlines to the unwillingness to fund state and local governments, before threatening,  "And then to suggest we’re concerned about the economy, states should declare bankruptcy. That’s how you’re going to bring this national economy back? By states declaring bankruptcy? You want to see that market fall through the cellar? Let New York state declare bankruptcy. Let Michigan declare bankruptcy. Let Illinois declare bankruptcy. Let California declare bankruptcy. You will see a collapse of this national economy. So just dumb."

Cuomo was just getting wound up when he went after McConnell's blatant, even joyous cruelty: "Vicious is saying, when Senator McConnell said, this is a 'blue state bailout,' what he’s saying is if you look at the states that have coronavirus problems, they tend to be Democratic states...So if you fund states that are suffering from the coronavirus, the Democratic states, don’t help New York state because it is a Democratic state. How ugly a thought."

He seemed to have moved on, but in the middle of answering another question, Cuomo decided he wasn't done with McConnell. It was like Cuomo had put McConnell on the ground in the filthy alley behind the bar, but that wasn't enough. Now it was time for stomping his ass: "Let me just go back to my self-proclaimed Grim Reaper, Senator McConnell, for another second. He represents the state of Kentucky. Okay? When it comes to fairness, New York state puts much more money into the federal pot than it takes out. Okay? At the end of the year, we put into that federal pot $116 billion more than we take out. Okay? His state, the state of Kentucky, takes out 148 billion more than they put in. Okay? So he’s a federal legislator. He’s distributing the federal pot of money. New York puts in more money to the federal pot than it takes out. His state takes out more than it puts in. Senator McConnell, who’s getting bailed out here? It’s your state that is living on the money that we generate. Your state is getting bailed out. Not my state." Facts fuck shit up. Ask anyone who tries to defy facts. They will fuck your shit up every time, so much so that you just have to pretend that facts don't exist and hope no one finds out. Cuomo put it out there: red states like Kentucky are getting by only because of the blue state largesse.

Honestly, though, even more cutting was when a reporter asked Cuomo if he had been in touch with McConnell. "No," Cuomo answered. Was he planning on calling McConnell? "No," Cuomo answered and moved on. That's a "Fuck me? No, fuck you" moment.

Cuomo was sick of this shit, of all the shit, and he went at McConnell again on Friday, except this time he tossed the entire GOP in DC into the toilet. Talking about how a federal law would be needed to allow states to declare bankruptcy, Cuomo said, "It’s your suggestion, Senator McConnell. Pass the law. I dare you. And then go to the President and say, 'Sign this bill allowing states to declare bankruptcy.' You want to send a signal to the markets that this nation is in real trouble? You want to send an international message that the economy is in turmoil? Do that. Allow states to declare bankruptcy legally, because you passed the bill. It’ll be the first time in our nation’s history that that happened. I dare you to do that...if you believe what you said and you have the courage of conviction because you’re a man of your word, pass that bill, if you weren’t just playing politics." He may as well have punctuated that with "you pussy."

After reiterating that McConnell and Kentucky are "takers" while New York is a "giver" when it comes to federal funding, Cuomo showed the senator the back of his pimp hand: "We were putting money into the pot, they were taking our dollars out of the pot and now he wants to look at New York and say, 'We’re bailing you out.' You’re bailing us out? Just give me my money back, Senator. Just give me my money back." And then he ended it by mocking Trump talking about the economy coming back while McConnell blathers about bankruptcy: "Pass a bill allowing states to be bankrupt and then let’s watch how the stock market takes off at that great news about our economic resilience."

Look, let's be honest here. McConnell doesn't give single lettuce-filled shit about Cuomo or blue states or the average Kentuckian or much of anything. He just cares about making sure that he keeps power and that rich people get richer. But there's a fucking reality here in that a shit-ton of Republicans come from states that are essentially living on welfare, and they behave as if they are the fiscally-responsible ones. It's a lie that has worked repeatedly.

But we can say that it's just fuckin' thrilling in this despairing age to hear a politician speak the truth about this shit, to call out the rhetoric and lies for what they are. Can we not just enjoy for what it is, an ass-kicking?

It's also a threat in many ways. What if New York decides to explore how to hold back some of that funding if, say, Trump is reelected? What if New Jersey says, "Okay, you want us to fuckin' buy all the testing and equipment and everything for another crisis like this but you won't give us funds? Then we're gonna keep some of that extra cash you hand over to Alabama and Kentucky." You think that sounds outlandish and impossible. Motherfuckers, we are well past impossible.

McConnell seeks to divide the nation, as does Trump. Cuomo wants them to know that there is a literal price for doing it.

(Note: Usual Cuomo caveats apply. See last week.)