Andrew Cuomo Finally Gets Rid of His Last Fuck

(Note: Before I get all slobbery on Andrew Cuomo's knob, lemme preface this by saying I agree with all the things you dislike about him. I've got lots of grievances, too, since I fuckin' work for the state of New York. This ain't about any of that. Are we good? Yeah, shut up. I don't really care. Here we go.)

You gotta give New York Governor Andrew Cuomo credit. For weeks now, he has pretty much held his fire when it came to the vast amounts of fuckery being done during this COVID-19 pandemic by Donald Trump and the federal government he has deformed to fit his grotesque image. For the most part, he has thanked the president for various kinds of assistance, and he has avoided going after Trump by name or even office. Indeed, the few times that he has criticized the federal government's response to the crisis, they have been mild reproaches about Trump palming things off on the states that DC should be taking care of. Still, even those exceedingly light comments would draw the typically snide tweets or comments from Trump.  But Cuomo insisted he was staying above the fray.

Until yesterday, that is.

See, in the middle of his daily press briefing, a reporter informed Cuomo that Trump had tweeted an attack on the governor, accusing Cuomo of not doing enough, insisting that he had been extra generous with New York, and saying that Cuomo needs to thank people more.

That was the moment you could actually see Andrew Cuomo toss his last fuck in the garbage. Without missing a beat, he said, "Good. Good. Let’s respond to the president." And then he went for over 9 minutes with a calm, fact-filled, skillful, coherent answer that was the equivalent of ripping out Trump's spine and beating him with it as the orange blob sank to the ground.

In answer to Trump accusing Cuomo and other governors of asking for too much, Cuomo stated plainly that they were using the estimates of deaths and hospitalizations given to them by the "CDC, Coronavirus White House Task Force," adding, "that’s you. White House. That’s you. We relied on your projections." Then he eviscerated Trump on his refusal to help the states with testing like a skilled murderer with a razor-sharp stiletto. That was followed by Cuomo giving Trump a lesson in history and the Constitution when it comes to the powers that rest with the states:

"'Well, it’s up to the states to do reopen.' By the way, it was always up to the states. What, are you going to grant me what the Constitution gave me before you were born? It’s called the 10th Amendment. [Note: I love how Cuomo phrased that in a way that mocks Trump saying, "It's called Article II"] I didn’t need the President of the United States to tell me that I’m governor. I didn’t need the President of the United States to tell me the powers of a state...People did that. Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison. They are the ones who gave me the power and I don’t need the President of the United States to read the constitution for me. Maybe he should have read the constitution before he said he had the power to open the states."

Then Cuomo mocked Trump on not even listening to his own projections when it came to the national stockpile before my favorite moment. It was when he went right at Trump's hoggish vanity: "So, thank you again Mr. President for the Javits. Thank you for the US Navy ship Comfort, which by the way, it’s just doing your job as president. It’s not really thank you like you wrote a check yourself, but thank you for that." Goddamn, that was pretty much the moment that I jizzed my jeans because Cuomo is dead-on right there. Trump always wants to thanked for doing shit that's just his fuckin' job.
He's like the student who asks if he can get extra credit because he showed up in class. No, motherfucker, you did the bare fuckin' minimum.

Cuomo was asked if he had talked to Trump about the president's desire to "reopen" the country on May 1st, and that led Cuomo to another 6 minute calm, direct tirade about how much of a bullshit fake leader Trump is. Before restating that what the states need from the government is help with testing and personal protection equipment for hospitals, the governor went again for Trump's narcissistic jugular, saying, "All he’s doing is walking in front of the parade, but he has nothing to do with the timing of the parade, right? The governors are going to open when they think they should open."

And just read this part of Cuomo's purging of everything he's obviously been wanting to say to our bloated garbage bag of a president: "How many times do you want me to say thank you? But I’m saying thank you for doing your job. This was your role as president, okay? So that’s the honest statement of fact, without politics, I’m not running for anything, I have no agenda but delivering for the people of this state and without ego. You want me to say thank you. Thank you for doing your job in helping build Javits and sending the US Navy Ship Comfort. Thank you for participating in a modicum of federal responsibility in a national crisis. Which you know is a national crisis because he declared a federal emergency. So, thank you for having the federal government participate in a federal emergency."

Holy shit, that's beautiful. Lemme say that again: Holy shit, that's so fuckin' beautiful. Because, believe it or not, a virus doesn't give a shit about state lines. So maybe you need a federal government to fuckin' coordinate a response and resources to stop it all over the country.

Read the whole thing. It starts at around the one-hour mark in the transcript. And keep reading. Read how he says Trump should fire his own people if he thinks they got things so wrong. Read him saying that the states desperately need funding. And read this:

"Our only mistake was then believing your numbers and believing your projections. If that was a mistake, then I’m guilty. But, I thought New York State, relying on what you said would have been a safe assumption. I won’t make that mistake again."

This was the cathartic moment some of us have been waiting for from Cuomo, the moment when the lie of comity was cast aside and the complete and utter contempt and disgust real leaders have with this feckless fuck of a president was finally articulated.

Cuomo is acting like there are lives at stake. Trump is acting like this whole thing is an inconvenience to holding another rally before going golfing.