The Not-Quite Mueller Report: Trump Is a Whiny Little Bitch Who Wants to Prosecute Hillary Clinton

You’ve read all the legal insights you can stomach about the not-quite Mueller Report. You’ve argued with your friends and family and trolls about whether or not we should go ahead with impeachment (note: How is this even a question? You impeach the motherfucker with a full-court press convincing the American people to rally behind impeaching the motherfucker). You may have even sat down and pored through the Barr-damned redacted report, finding every appalling nugget you can mine out of it, like how the whole White House is just a cheap 1970s Godfather-knockoff film made in Russia.

And now you’ve come to the Rude Pundit, and I’m here to tell you this: Goddamn, the President of the United States, Donald Trump, is such a little whiny bitch all the way through.

We know how much of a whiny bitch he is through his tweets and endless airings of grievances at his rallies of the damned. He's the kind of little bitch that sits in the kitchen, just whimpering when its bowl is empty or whimpering because it shoved its toy under the couch. Just a whiny, noisy, little bitch and you fuckin' hate whoever in the house brought that bitch home.

In the not-really Mueller Report, we get to see the Donald Trump in private, and, holy fuckballs, if anything, he’s even more of a whiny bitch when his stump-thumbs aren’t tapping away on the Twitter app.

For instance, when meeting with his then-White House counsel Don McGahn, then-Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and then-AG Chief of Staff Jody Hunt, Trump bitched to Sessions about the Russia investigation, “This is terrible Jeff. It’s all because you recused. AG is supposed to be most important appointment. Kennedy appointed his brother. Obama appointed Holder. I appointed you and you recused yourself. You left me on an island. I can’t do anything.” That line, “You left me on an island,” is what you say when your online crush has ghosted you and you’re pining away pathetically into the ether.

Another time, he pissed and moaned to Sessions, “Everyone tells me if you get one of these independent counsels it ruins your presidency. It takes years and years and I won’t be able to do anything. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me.” The worst thing to ever happen to Donald Trump is that someone might hold him to account. You know, I’ve got no sympathy for Jeff Sessions, American’s most racist elf, so fuck him even if he did have to be the urinal for Trump’s whine dribbles. (Trump said his now famous “Oh my God. This is terrible. This is the end of my Presidency. I’m fucked” to Sessions and Hunt, and I wonder if they immediately thought of him boning Stormy Daniels.)

Over and over, Trump whinged about how he wanted to be “treated fairly,” that he wanted everyone to make sure he got a “fair” shake. When he tried to convince Sessions to un-recuse himself from the Russia investigation and then open an investigation into Hillary Clinton (which, what the fuck?), he bleated, “Not telling you to do anything. ... I’m not going to get involved. I’m not going to do anything or direct you to do anything. I just want to be treated fairly.” Being treated fairly meant, to Trump, an AG who ran interference for him, as he absolutely believes Eric Holder did for Barack Obama. It never fucking occurs to this blithering dickface that maybe Obama didn’t do anything that needed to be interfered with.

Going after Hillary Clinton to win the election wasn’t enough. Several times, the report mentions how the Trump campaign, including testicle pimples Donald Trump, Jr. and Jared Kushner, sought information that would “incriminate” her. And Trump’s mad tweets about Clinton’s “crimes” are also part of the report.

And, most tellingly, Trump thought “it was unfair that he was being investigated while Hillary Clinton was not.” I guess it also never occurred to him that he was president and no one gave a shit about investigating Clinton when it wouldn’t damage her politically. Trump, though, is a cruel motherfucker. Trump wanted to hurt her personally by prosecuting her for...something.

That's a fucked-up area that no one has really touched, but it's an abuse of power as deep and as wrong as any of the dozens of others.