A Rude Review of Mike Pence

Over the years, the Rude Pundit has made no bones about what a dickish, Jesus-fellating piece of shit Indiana governor and now vice-presidential nominee Mike Pence has been in his career. See, he was this blogger's Congress member for a brief, horrible period when the Rude Pundit was slowly watching his life seep away in that hellhole of flat land, cold winds, and backwards ass people, Indiana. So he has met Pence, spoken briefly to him, looked into those beady, sleepy eyes and realized, "Holy fuckass, this guy is so fuckin' dumb that he could hammer a nail in with his head and it wouldn't do any damage." No wonder Donald Trump chose him (although, hilariously, it looks like Trump was trying to back out of it at the last minute, possibly realizing that touring the nation with an tight-assed evangelical Christian with the personality of a corn-speckled turd wouldn't be a nonstop party).

So let's look at some of the things this here blog has said about Pence, as well as some of the dumb shit that dumbshit has said:

Back in 2009, while in Congress (where he squatted and dumped until 2013), Pence was ahead of the curve in trying to defund Planned Parenthood, as he wrote in a mighty opinion piece for nutzoid conservative port-a-potty, Townhall. Scribbled the Rude Pundit: "By Pence's 'logic' (if by 'logic,' you mean, 'a strange amalgam of religious paranoia and dubious fiscal reasoning by a man who shoves corncobs up his own ass because he's the one Republican desperately trying to avoid fucking another man or woman'), as he writes, his amendment to an appropriations bill 'would close the loophole that has forced millions of pro-life Americans to subsidize the nation's leading abortion provider, sustaining and underwriting the destruction of innocent human life that has been carried out on a massive scale by Planned Parenthood.'

"You got that, right? We wouldn't want to offend the pro-life Americans by providing money to an organization that does more to actually prevent abortions than every bullshit abstinence program everywhere. No, no, we wouldn't want Planned Parenthood to be there to mop up for the utter failure of conservative sex education plans to actually educate about sex."

And who can forget Pence's weird-ass sexualizing of his faith, enthusing about his love of Jesus and young men in rapey-stalker language at the Value Voters Summit:

"In his speech, Representative Mike Pence of Indiana was more or less describing how much he wanted to blow Christ: '[N]othing can compare to the inexpressible joy I felt on a night in April in 1978 when I gave my life to Jesus Christ.' And that Jesus is a demanding Master to his little submissives: 'Well, like millions of Americans, I've been spending some time on my knees lately.'

"Most creepy was Pence's fetishization of America's youth, a masturbatory need so great that he had to rush back home to indulge it: 'I got on the plane and flew home to Indiana, went out to the Henry Country Fairgrounds for a Boy Scout Jamboree on a cold Saturday morning just about a year ago, and I'll never forget it. You know the Boy Scout Jamboree situation. A bunch of little boys with their hair tousled, ties pulled to the side, one shirt tail out, standing in a row.' The Rude Pundit doesn't know about you, but he probably couldn't describe a row of scouts in such...loving detail."

Or maybe we can look fondly back to when he declared that the Affordable Care Act was antithetical to the ideals of the American Revolution, that it would essentially make Thomas Jefferson puke? Pence even offered up his cancer-ridden cousin as a sacrificial lamb: "Pence told a story about his cousin who has cancer. 'He's awaiting insurance approval for an experimental treatment because his system can no longer tolerate the long regimen of chemo,' Pence said. But Cuz, who, you know, has insurance, ain't a poster child for reform. Oh, no. In fact, he's against reform. He wrote to Pence, '[I]f this was a government bureaucracy, I have no faith that it would be processed in a timely manner and even then, if it would be approved. The idea of a public health care option, as a chronic cancer patient, scares the living hell out of me.'"

Of course, as governor, Pence ended up taking the Medicaid expansion money for his state, but only by being a complete conservative cockknob about it.

And, in 2010, in a preview of the kind of leadership we could expect from Veep Pence, he set the tone for the House of Representatives in telling President Obama and his agenda to go fuck itself: "Here's Indiana's Mike Pence (Campaign slogan: 'I'm a motherfucker, but at least I'm honest about being a motherfucker') on what will happen if his party wins the House: 'Look, the time to go along and get along is over...Look, there will be no compromise on stopping runaway spending, deficits and debt. There will be no compromise on repealing Obamacare. There will be no compromise on stopping Democrats from growing government and raising taxes. And if I haven’t been clear enough yet, let me say again: No compromise.'"

Yes, yes, yes, Mike Pence, who, at the time, was harboring illusions that he might be president hisself one day, was one of the people responsible for the congressional fuckery that stalled virtually any legislation in the House.

As governor, he has been responsible for the idiotic and unconstitutional religious freedom bill (aka "That Thing For Homophobic Bakers") and the savagely anti-woman anti-choice laws that have left at least one woman who had a miscarriage imprisoned. A hateful, myopic, self-righteous asshole, this Pence.

In other words, unlike Trump, he's what we now refer to as a "traditional Republican."