Values Voter Summit or Joyful Conservative Fuck-Fest?:
By now you've seen this:
It's the ought-to-be-famous "Jesus loves cock rings" poster from the Abstinence Clearinghouse, angling for attention through doubletakes at the Family Research Council's (et al) Value Voters Summit this past weekend.
Of course, the abstinent people weren't the only ones bringing the sexy to repression of natural human urges. Between the cute little minx next to the table and the picture with Britney Spears practically ordering you to face fuck her, the Rude Pundit's penis was confused about the message here:
The most hilarious thing about a group of nutzoid right-wingers coming together to talk about "values" or some such shit is how the bubbling-below-the-surface desire to ball madly spews forth in the most unexpected ways. God, how the cell phones of the local manwhore pimps must have been vibrating all night this weekend with demands for gay booty calls from the Omni Shoreham. God, how tired housekeeping must have been cleaning up jizz-crispy pages of the Gideon Bible, the only proper way to wipe an evangelical dick after nailing the ass of an abstinence advocate.
The surging libidinal need made its way to the dais, too. In his speech, Representative Mike Pence of Indiana was more or less describing how much he wanted to blow Christ: "[N]othing can compare to the inexpressible joy I felt on a night in April in 1978 when I gave my life to Jesus Christ." And that Jesus is a demanding Master to his little submissives: "Well, like millions of Americans, I've been spending some time on my knees lately."
Most creepy was Pence's fetishization of America's youth, a masturbatory need so great that he had to rush back home to indulge it: "I got on the plane and flew home to Indiana, went out to the Henry Country Fairgrounds for a Boy Scout Jamboree on a cold Saturday morning just about a year ago, and I'll never forget it. You know the Boy Scout Jamboree situation. A bunch of little boys with their hair tousled, ties pulled to the side, one shirt tail out, standing in a row." The Rude Pundit doesn't know about you, but he probably couldn't describe a row of scouts in such...loving detail.
And the Congressman even admitted that Mrs. Pence knows the score: "[B]ehind every great man there is a woman rolling her eyes." She'd be rolling them nonstop if Mr. Pence bumped into this guy in way-deep denial:
But maybe she'd get lucky and her hubby would stop by this table first to talk to its lonely attendant:
One imagines that guy is texting an IM to the Congressional page dorm. Or the local scoutmaster.
(Photos from TPM.)