Tom Cotton Pleasures Himself in Front of the Senate

Republican Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas sauntered to the microphone yesterday in the august chamber of the World's Most Deliberative Body with a long leather box in his hands. He placed the box down on the lectern and opened it to reveal a black velvet interior. Nestled into the velvet was a dildo, a veiny, thick mock dick, circumcised, about ten inches long. It was colored with a desert camouflage pattern. Without saying a word, he unbuckled his pants and pulled them down just enough in the back to reveal his ass. Still silent, some would later say disturbingly so, he took the dildo, held it up for all to see, and then, with one hand, he inserted it into his asshole. The only indication on his face that he was pushing a hard plastic phallus into his sphincter was a determined stare and a couple of sudden intakes of air.

Then he started his speech, one hand on the mic, the other manipulating the dildo, in, out, a twist every now and then. He began by congratulating Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu on his party's wins in the recent elections overseas "for myself and on behalf of 3 million Arkansans," most of whom were on the edge of their seats Tuesday, no doubt, wondering if Likud would keep its plurality in the Knesset.

Hitting his prostate with tickling probing that would soon become thudding force, Cotton continued, "Apparently, President Obama harbors such deep-seated and irrational antipathy for Prime Minister Netanyahu that he is now willing to upend this decades-long alliance. President Obama's antagonism toward Prime Minister Netanyahu is longstanding and well known." And, after bringing up an administration official who called Netanyahu "chickenshit" last year (and was roundly condemned by the White House) and talking about how much Obama just wants to destroy Israel with his love of all things Muslim (or words to that effect), Cotton pulled his pants down in front and grabbed his balls just in time to ejaculate all over the Senate floor.

For Cotton really said that comments from the Obama administration about broadening option as regards an Israeli government no longer even paying lip service to a two-state solution "could very well startle some of the smaller parties and their leaders with whom Prime Minister Netanyahu is currently in negotiations. This raises the question, of course, if the administration intends to undermine Prime Minister Netanyahu's efforts to assemble a coalition by suggesting a change to our longstanding policy of supporting Israel's position with the United Nations."

You got that, right? Tom Cotton, the author of the letter from 47 GOP senators telling Iran not to trust the president on a deal to give up nuclear arms, is worried that the words of the president and his aides might have negative influence on Israel. No, wait. On Netanyahu. Because you can sure as hell bet that had the Zionist Union and Isaac Herzog had won, Cotton wouldn't have said a goddamned word.

Cotton concluded with threats to the United Nations should it say mean things to Israel, too. And, without a hint of shame, his jizz on the ground in front of him, the dildo being moved slowly, delicately, even, Cotton said, "For decades, the relationship between Israel and the United States has transcended political and personal differences. Our shared interests were enough to overcome any ideology or personal disagreement, but I fear mutual respect is of little concern to this administration. The President and all those senior officials around him should carefully consider the diplomatic and security consequences of their words. This Congress certainly will."

He went silent again and removed the dildo from his anus, pulling up his pants after. He took out an anti-bacterial cloth and wiped it down before carefully placing it back in the velvet and shutting the case. As he walked away, Lindsey Graham was heard telling an aide, "Find out where I can get one of those Bibi penises."