SD Legislator Who Knows Little About Anal Sex Has More on His Mind Than Assholes

Oh, ha, ha, yes, let us mock South Dakota Rep. Steve Hickey (R-no shit...oh, wait...) for his hilarious discomfort and disgust for anal sex between men, all of which you know is masking a clear lust to have some cock in his sphincter. How can you not laugh when he proudly wrote on his Facebook page (in something that was submitted to but not published by the Argus Leader newspaper), "Pardon a crude comparison but regarding men with men, we are talking about a one-way alley meant only for the garbage truck to go down."

How can you not laugh when you read that and say, "Wait, he's got a truck in his ass? And if so, how did it get up the one-way alley? Is he admitting that he sodomized himself with a Tonka toy?" Or when you read his plea for doctors or others to stand up to Big Anal and end the rear end madness? How can you not guffaw at the lack of self-awareness of someone who writes that some people who support gay rights think "those of us in the legislature should butt out"? That is comedy gold.

And Hickey went further in an interview with the Argus Leader's managing editor. After saying that he perhaps is not the best at crafting analogies, he described the man-on-man ass pumping as the same as being cool with "eight of your friends that you're in love with [taking] a dump in your bed and then you can sleep in it all year long." Which, if you think about it, probably comes from Rep. Steve Hickey's greatest fantasy, where eight of his buddies come over after a day of fly-fishing and eating deer jerky and Pringles and downing Coors, and they drop their pants while squatting on his bed so they can just spray loads of shit all over his sheets, his down comforter, his pillows so he can roll around nude in it later, affirming to himself that this is way better than being gay.

By the way, if you're a friend of Steve Hickey, he loves you and wants you to defecate on his bed.

Oddly, Hickey never discusses whether or not it's cool for a husband to assfuck his wife. Is the anus not a "One Way Alley for the Garbage Truck" in that case, too? And, shhh, we probably shouldn't tell him about analingus. Hell, we probably shouldn't mention lesbians, either. (Note: He does discuss it on his blog, in a post titled, "Does excrement defile the Christian marriage bed?" No, but you should probably change your sheets.)

Yes, it's all so very funny. But if you read past the scat play, what Hickey is really about is keeping those icky trans kids away from the other children when it comes to sports. No, really: "The South Dakota High School Activities Association is presently considering changing the rules to accommodate transgender kids. Forty-one percent of those who struggle with Gender Dysphoria attempt suicide, that's twenty-five times the rate of the general population– certainly tragic and urgent but not a word from the medical and psychological communities?" It's only for one high school, but, hey, life is a series of domino topples, is it not?

His stat from 2010 may be correct, but he sure doesn't think that his inability to understand why doctors aren't speaking out about butt fucking might be a cause. Hickey continues, "Letting boys play girl sports is not the starting place to fix the suicide problem or the very real daily struggle these students face dealing with something they have been handed in life. Society is broken and people have broken identities. Is it really best for us to break down the one remaining thing that has been working in society to try to fix the broken in our midst? And does it really even do that, or does it merely put them in more places exposing them to additional painful ostracization all the while transferring serious anxieties to other innocent and impressionable ones in those locker rooms?"

You got that? Hickey, who is seeking consensus on stigmatizing gay sex, feels bad because some people might tease trans kids. It's just pathetically sad when someone thinks they're acting like they're caring when, in reality, they are the problem. Hickey probably never thinks that he's helping to drive people to attempt suicide.

So while we generally shouldn't look at stray nutzoid legislators as proving anything, sometimes they are the avatars of a new approach to an issue. Is this the new line of attack? "C'mon, doctors, line up to say that men might get poop on their peters if they penetrate a pal's pooter"? That Hickey is just trying to save them from e coli or other shit-borne bugs?

It's telling that Hickey doesn't want to outlaw buggery. It's also telling that he's willing to meet with a gay former aide to President Obama. But he's sticking to his guns on blowing a load inside another man's ass.

(Note: This is a confusing guy. He's against the death penalty, having just come around on that issue, and he thinks Leonard Peltier should be freed. But he wants to repeal Obamacare.)