New Republican Plan: Try to Fool All of the People All of the Time:
The Republican autopsy of What Went Wrong in 2012 is out today, and it is quite a document. Titled Growth & Opportunity Project (Wait, those initials are G...O...holy shit, that's clever), it's an analysis of the recent past and a whole bunch of ideas for how the Republican Party can be improve its image, expand its message, and win more elections in the future. In other words, how to lie better and how to get more people to believe the lies, a new and improved motherfuckery.

Check out the awesome ideas on reaching out to Hispanics, Asians/Pacific Islanders, and African Americans. The first one is: "The RNC should hire Hispanic communications directors and political directors for key states and communities across the country." Change "Hispanic" to "APA" or "African American," and it's the same first recommendation in all cases for how to get more of the browns, yellows, and blacks on their side. Why? Because they're all the fuck the same, right?

See, the big problem is perception, you know. Yeah, it took massive polling and surveying and phone calling and a shit ton of money paid to someone to find out that when people are "[a]sked to describe Republicans, they said that the Party is 'scary,' 'narrow minded,' and 'out of touch' and that we were a Party of 'stuffy old men.'" Honestly, it sounds like they're describing a cabal of creepy child molesters or the Catholic Church (or, you know, both at the same time). And it ain't helped by shit like Mitch McConnell's white staff doing the "Harlem Shake."

The problem here isn't that people see the GOP as a bunch of cigar-smoking bankers. It's that people know what they are: a bunch of jerk-offs who believe appalling things who do nothing but block the efforts of the President they elected twice and who are supported by an assortment of Obama-deranged racists, gun-toting idiots, sexist and homophobic assholes, and Rush Limbaugh, along with the cigar-smoking bankers.

No matter how many non-white faces you put out there, no matter how many women you get on talk shows, you're not gonna change who you are at your core. If you're out on a date with a woman and all you talk about is how you don't like Mexican food, make fun of the waiter for being gay, and ask your date if she's having "lady problems," then it doesn't matter how nice your shoes are. You're a jerk, not even a charming jerk, just a fuckin' jerk, and there's a very narrow swath of sad, self-loathing people who might find that attractive.

How hilariously does this document miss as a self-examination? Well, it's as if it grabbed its balls, felt a strange lump on one, and decided that all that it needed to do to make that go away is to masturbate more. It highlights GOPers who are supposedly successful: "Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal transformed education in his state by enacting parental choice and teacher accountability measures into law," it says. That'd be the same Bobby Jindal who currently enjoys a 37% favorable rating in his own state. It cites Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback, who also has a 37% approval rating. Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal? 36%. If that's what you hold up as examples for the national party, then you are well and truly fucked. The only thing those last two have going for them is that Democrats have no one to run against them.

It's all about talk and money, with lots of suggestions for raising more campaign cash. It's all about image, with a better use of social media and "an RNC Celebrity Task Force of personalities in the entertainment industry to host events for the RNC and allow donors to participate in entertainment events as a way to attract younger voters" (because nothing says "youth" like Clint Eastwood and Janine Turner). It's all about stats and exposure, with a greater use of "data analytics" and a shortened primary and debate season so that, as Josh Marshall points out, the crazy isn't on display for too long.

To be as fair as possible, it's encouraging to see any wing of the GOP talking about things like immigration reform and banking reform and minority/gay/women inclusiveness and attention to the middle-class. But it's all seems like window dressing. "Immigration reform" is a broad concept. Sure, the report thinks the phrase "self-deportation" was a turn-off because it made Hispanics "perceive" they're not welcome in the country. What about the thought behind the phrase? What do the Republicans actually mean? What do they want? It says to counter the war on women rhetoric of the Democratic Party, but it says nothing more than to do that with a "Nuh-uhh," preferably said by a lady.

Here's a solution the Rude Pundit has proposed a number of times to Republicans: Stop being dicks. It's really that simple. You're a bunch of dicks. When you look in the mirror, that's a dick looking back at you. Honestly, if you want to have any relevance at all, it's all you gotta do. We see through the smoke screen, no matter who is blowing it.

This report is really just a blueprint for higher walls made of bullshit.