Mitt Romney, the Dickhead in Full:
There's nothing to talk about regarding last night's New Hampshire primary, just as there will be nothing to talk about in South Carolina, etc. The forced march to Mittdom for the GOP has all the excitement of a line of dutiful Soviet citizens waiting in line for bread back in the day. When the best the news networks could do last night was talk about how amazing it was that Jon Huntsman was in third and then wait breathlessly to see if Gingrich or Santorum came in fourth, then there is truly no story. More than once, on MSNBC, Ed Schultz looked like he was going to blow his brains out just to create some excitement. Over on CNN, the life slowly drained out of John King as he described the variances between Manchester precinct votes until his zombie form kept hitting the video wall repeatedly. And, on Fox "news," Megyn Kelly could barely contain her contempt at having to interview the horrible Sarah Palin puppet that keeps appearing despite the fact that it's now threadbare with one of its button eyes is dangling.

Yeah, yeah, Ron Paul came in 2nd. And?

What the Rude Pundit wants to talk about is the breathtaking dickishness of Mitt Romney, on full, glorious display in his victory speech/acceptance speech preview last night. We've been treated to that barely repressed assholery at the debates, that patrician look of "How dare you" when someone attacked him, the punk-ass need to invoke time rules, the floundering denial of anything other than the utter rightness of his Mittosity, the disgust that these people, some of them barely millionaires, would be allowed even on the same stage as him.

But last night was an even grander display. It was a full-on face fuck of conservative paranoia and lies. His attack on Barack Obama had nothing to do with, you know, Barack Obama, but was instead a deep-throat cock thrust into the mouth of the Republican base's image of Obama: "Yeah, take that chowder, you simpering yahoos. You know you like it. And now lick me clean after 5 years of campaigning."

It would take pages to try to enumerate the number and breadth of lies in Romney's speech, but let's take one: "[Obama] wants to turn America into a European-style social welfare state. We want to insure we remain a free and prosperous land of opportunity. This president takes his inspiration from the capitals of Europe." First off, why the hating on Europe? The countries that are nose-diving are the ones that got fucked by the same kinds of bullshit investment schemes that fucked the United States. But what part of Europe is he talking about? Because, like, according to the mega-conservative Heritage Foundation's 2011 "Index of Economic Freedom," not only is the United States the ninth most free out of 183 countries, but Ireland, Denmark, and Switzerland are ranked higher. And they provide socialized health care to their citizens (as do all the others ranked higher). So, in other words, we should be so lucky to be like some European nations. But nothing is going to stop Romney from using "Europe" as shorthand for "socialist pussies," so he added at the end, "I want you to remember when our White House reflected the best of who we are, not the worst of what Europe has become."

Romney needs to paint Obama as a radical extremist who "apologizes for America" and is "a leader who divides us with the bitter politics of envy" because he needs to distract from just how extreme his own ideas are. When Romney says he wants to "repeal Obamacare," he's saying he wants adults under 26 to lose health insurance, if they have it with their parents. He's saying he wants insurance companies to be able to decline you for a pre-existing condition and that caps should be reinstated so that you go bankrupt or die if you get badly sick or injured. His social agenda would break up marriages and families. His tax policy would drive the nation further into debt while he raises the military budget and probably starts a war with Iran.

In other words, everything Mitt Romney wants to do would harm Americans. Everything. So of course he's gotta get out there and be the total dickhead he always was and always will be.

Here's the question someone needs to ask, repeatedly, of Romney: "If you had been elected in 2008, what would you have done to clear the wreckage left behind by George W. Bush?"