Richard Shelby's Earmark Extortion:
See? This is what happens when you negotiate with terrorists who want to undermine the election process of the United States and sow seeds of doubt and dissent in the legitimacy of the government. Republican Richard Shelby, one of the most despicable fucks in the Senate, is now emboldened by Barack Obama's faith in bipartisanship to simply go nuts with demands. In essence, Shelby is extorting money out of the Obama administration.

Depressingly, that's not hyperbole. Shelby is a man who loves his pork. That motherfucker piles on the pork like a drunken fat guy at an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet. Of course, his pork, also known as "earmarks," is so much better than anyone else's earmarks, as he said in March 2009 on This Week with George Stephanopoulos's Hair. Responding to a question about having more earmarks than most, Shelby said what every other member of Congress who wants to bring home the cash would say: "I can defend every earmark. Every one of my earmarks have been released to the press. Every one has, I think, been vetted in the committee and publicly in my state. I don't want an earmark that has no merit." Give that redneck bastard more bacon. He likes his piggy extra-crispy.

Now, Shelby has placed one of those oh-so delightful single Senator holds on dozens of President Obama's nominees to various executive branch positions that need Senate approval. Is it because he has a problem with the actual nominees? Oh, no. That'd be vaguely rational. Shelby's just being a dick because he doesn't like the way a contract on a tanker is being...and really, who the fuck cares? It's power for power's sake. It's an attempt to get more earmarks to Alabama.

In other words, he's impeding the ability of the government to function in order to squeeze money from it. If you told your neighbor you weren't going to let his car out of his driveway unless he gave you a hundred bucks for a lawn ornament, you'd be arrested. Or your neighbor might run you over.

Obama and the Democrats have handed over the keys to Republicans in the Senate. At this point, Shelby oughta be shitting himself in fear of having all earmarks stripped out of bills. That's fuckin' hardball. You don't like that your state might not get an FBI explosives analysis center so you're gonna dick over the working of the entire executive branch? How about a few less roads, motherfucker? Instead, Shelby is emboldened by Obama's willingness to compromise to make unprecedented use of Senate rules.

Yesterday, a barbershop quartet of assholes farted in harmony about earmarks. Republican Senators DeMint, McCain, Graham, and Lemieux held a press conference to address their concerns about the very subject, calling for an earmark moratorium and a balanced budget amendment. Said DeMint, "[I]f we have 535 congressmen and senators who still want their earmarks and are not willing to take even a one-year timeout, then we have a huge problem addressing our debt."

The Rude Pundit doesn't outright oppose earmarks. One Congress member's poison is another's meat. But it takes 60 votes to overcome Shelby's hold over Alabama getting its sausage. It seems a pretty easy vote for Republicans who are anti-earmark. Then again, we are talking about Republicans.