Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck Talk About...Nothing:
It's always awkward when you're in a room with some people, and one man starts to jack off another man, especially if you're not invited to join in. You could get up and leave when one dude unzips the other dude's pants and, with no effort to hide anything, grabs his cock and starts yanking away like a frantic dairy farmer whose milking machines just broke down. It'd be the rational thing to do. But sometimes, you just stare, like you're at the movies, even though you know the plot and that it's got a happy ending. There's something mesmerizing, after all, about such unabashed pleasuring.

So it was that, on his Fox "news" show last night, Bill O'Reilly featured an "interview" with fellow Fox-er Glenn Beck (if by "interview," you mean...well, see above). O'Reilly billed it as "Glenn Beck answers his critics." Oh, goody, one might think, can't wait to see the mutual crazy society at play. Yet what followed was the equivalent of a female baboon raising its hot haunches so it could be fucked by Rupert Murdoch. And it was every bit as informative as watching an aged Australian fuck a monkey. You come away from that experience thinking, "Huh. So that's how you fuck a monkey. Or maybe that's just how they do it Down Under."

Here's a sample where O'Reilly asks Beck about his time working at CNN Headline News. Get a friend and read it like a play:
O'REILLY: So you'd walk in the newsroom, people would hate you?

BECK: Yes, I was walking in the newsroom one time, and a lady said to me, one of the journalists there, she looked up and she went, "Ugh." And I...

O'REILLY: But they do that here.

BECK: Not to me. It's just you. But they -- I said, "That's not necessary." And she said, "Oh, you expect it." And I said, "I do, and isn't that sad?"

O'REILLY: So did that inhibit you, and you weren't as flamboyant over there because of these pinheads mocking you?

BECK: No, I think the reason why I wasn't as flamboyant -- I mean, I think I'm the same person.

O'REILLY: Not on the air, though.

BECK: You don't think so?

O'REILLY: No. You were much more low key over there. It's like the full moon came out when you got to Fox.

So Fox made Beck amp up the nutsy. Later, O'Reilly offered this nugget: "[W]hen you go on and you do your thing, there is an equal part serious and there's an equal part theater. Some people use that against you." Beck, to his credit, did not argue the point, although he did say later, " I think people think that I'm just -- oh, well, he's just a silly clown or whatever...I'm not. I'm a genuinely thoughtful person. I just know how to package things in an entertaining way."

The most compelling aspect of the whole affair was the delicious All About Eve tension of seeing O'Reilly's Bette Davis trying to put the ratings usurping Beck/Anne Baxter in his place while acting all chummy:
O'REILLY: On the air a very good personality. Off the air you're a little boring. But on the air very good personality.

BECK: I think this is hostile atmosphere here.

O'REILLY: All right. No, it's not. Come on. We're your friends here.

BECK: This is my friend.

Beck, a man who routinely "entertains" his audience with images of killing liberals, talked about his fears for his own security. So the whole affair was something less than "answering his critics" and more of a "whine-fest for a pair of demonic ratings whores who will one day be forced into an eternal razor-wire cage match in Hell."

The most depressing part of the segment was that O'Reilly wouldn't let the younger host come. He'd pump that Beck-meat until it was about to explode and then stop just short, only to start pumping again. You could see how badly Beck just wanted to blow his load, but O'Reilly's yanked a few dicks in his day. He wouldn't let this pissant upstart spray Mormon spunk all over his primetime show.