Within You Without You - What the Fuck Do Fundamentalists Want to Fuck? (Newly Updated With More Fisting):
So the Rude Pundit was a-perusin' his e-mail under his nom de rude, the one he uses to sign up for conservative and fundamentalist "news" or "action" updates. And one of the latest e-mails he received from Tony Perkins and his Family Research Council (motto: "We don't hate you - we just wanna melt your eyes with the fiery pokers of God's love") pointed the Rude Pundit to the blog for the Iraq Prayer Surge. The Prayer Surge "is dedicated to calling forth prayer warriors to make up the hedge and stand in the gap on behalf of our military, especially, during the next 100 days" between Memorial and Labor Days. So, fine and fuckin' dandy, who the hell cares, you know?

As he was scanning the page, he passed picture after picture of single soldiers and groups of soldiers, well, you know, praying. 'Cause what else would you show them doing on such a blog? Shooting civilian children in front of their parents? Bleeding out from IED wounds? Engaged in hot girl on girl action? Ah. Funny you should ask.

Because near the bottom of the page is this photo:

Now, it's one of those photos that's like vanilla ice cream spiked with chili peppers: hot and sweet. But they don't seem to be praying. At all. They're just a pair of attractive female soldiers sleeping on each other. It's a Reuters photo that had been part of an image bank for some kind of natural hunting site. And, at the Prayer Surge blog, there's not a damn thing around it to indicate, "Blessed are the hot chicks in camo for they shall inherit my jizz."

This ain't to criticize the weary women in the picture - you know, we always gotta say, "Support the troops, rah-rah, motherfuckers" or some such shit. No, it's a "what the fuck?" kind of thing. Like what does an image filled with latent lesbianism have to do with surging your prayers? What exactly is the organizing group, Men for Nations, wanting to surge? What's in their prayers? "Please, Jesus, Lord God, you're a dude, look at these two babes. Please let 'em strip me naked and force me to jack off while they lie on top of each other."

It's just so, so often the bullshit of the fundamentalist right is put in terms or by people that are so creepy it makes you wonder if Jesus's handholes ache whenever he hears these guys talking. Like Stephen Bennett, of the pridefully named "Stephen Bennett Ministries." A cockmonger of such enormous appetites in his 20s that it's a wonder he didn't walk around with rubbers and sheets stuck to his ass, now Bennett has gone apeshit over the White House calling Mary Cheney's partner a "parent" to Mary's daughter in a photo of the Vice President and his wife cradling a baby they won't bleed for its youth-maintaining fluids. Bennett crazes, "[B]oth the White House and Bush Administration have officially recognized the sinful sexual unions of homosexuals, as well as recognized and embraced the tragedy of the social experiment of homosexual parenting."

Bennett, a drug-addicted alcoholic back in the bone-smoking days, says someone telling him God doesn't want him to be gay just fucked up his relationship with his partner: "Over the next year and a half, anytime something would happen between my partner and I sexually, I found myself praying for forgiveness to God I didn’t know, on my bathroom floor." One would like to think that his partner was in that bathroom, saying, "As long as you're down there..."

Creepy shit, "cured" homosexuals who you know are craving the cock, pages for prayer that have images that are at best non-sequiturs on them.

By the way, to round up this increasingly random look at prayer and fucking, the FRC and other groups have declared for today, "[W]e urgently call American youth, and especially those who profess Biblical faith, to pursue lives of sexual purity and to urgently pray for their generation and for our nation." One might imagine that mostly teens are praying that there's no draft, but, sure, sexual purity, the last refuge of those who can't get laid.

Do circle jerks count? They better not, or the whole "pray for X" movement is damned.

Note: The title was the Rude Pundit's lame attempt to use today's 40th anniversary of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band in here. He could have gone with "Fixing a Hole" or "A Hogshead of Real Fire," but the effect would have been the same.

Update: Rude reader JA sends in a link to Americans For Truth's utter outrage over the hosting of the International Mr. Leather convention (competition?) at the Palmer House Hotel in Chicago. Americans For Truth is "devoted exclusively to exposing and countering the homosexual activist agenda," which, if you think about it, ought to make you sad.

Except when thinking about AFT founder Peter LaBarbera, upper lip sweaty, walking past exhibits about fisting videos and pig sex and watersports and, oh, hey, "The man at left is being fitted for a leather doggie hood."