Why Ann Coulter Is a Cunt (Assassination Edition):
The great thing about attacking Ann Coulter is that you're free to say anything you want about her, no matter how dark, twisted, or violent. Because, you know, if you've constantly called on public figures to be murdered, well, shit, you kind of don't have a twiggy long leg to stand on. So the Rude Pundit can say that he wouldn't care if Ann Coulter was sliced from kooz to sternum and then fucked simultaneously in her bleeding, viscera-spilling gut by three raging rhinos until the force of their cum popped her eyeballs out. He can say that and still respect himself in the morning.

'Cause, see, the Rude Pundit still has the moral high ground, even if we discover Ann Coulter was killed by raping rhinos with stiletto horns. You could be standing neck deep in a shit filled sewer, covered with syphilis sores and shoving a crucifix up your ass, and you'd still have the moral high ground over Ann Coulter.

Here, in context (because she whines like a golden retriever hit by a car whenever she perceives she's being decontextualized), is what Coulter said Monday on Good Morning America about presidential candidate John Edwards, after bland automaton Chris Cuomo brought up her inference that Edwards was a "faggot" a couple of months ago: "[A]bout the same time, you know, Bill Maher was not joking and saying he wished Dick Cheney had been killed in a terrorist attack. So I've learned my lesson. If I'm gonna say anything about John Edwards in the future, I'll just wish he had been killed in a terrorist assassination plot."

Taking Maher out of context, Coulter misses that he had asked if the world would be a better place if Cheney had been killed, not that he "wished" it had happened - a fine line that Coulter is more than willing to ask everyone to apply to her constant hopes for violence against Edwards, the New York Times, Justice Stevens, etc.

Then, deliciously, while Coulter was devouring the entire hour live on My Balls Are Hard with Chris "Where's Your Fucking Lips?" Matthews, with a fairly sympathetic crowd behind her in Herald Square, Manhattan, Elizabeth Edwards called in. Edwards was asking that Coulter stop the personal attacks on her husband, which is a little like asking a crack whore to stop blowing hobos for quarters. Coulter's tell, when you know she's been cornered, which is just about any time she's interviewed by someone who's not Sean Hannity (who must fingerfuck her under the desk), is that she pushes her long bottle-blonde hair to one side then the other, which she did almost constantly while Edwards was on the phone.

Edwards was not only confronting Coulter on her assassination wish, but because, as Edwards said, "You had a column a couple of years ago which -- which made fun of the moment of Charlie Dean's death, and suggested that my husband had a bumper sticker on the back of his car that said, 'Ask me about my dead son.'" Responding to a mother who had lost a son like Joan Crawford to wire hangers, Coulter attacked John Edwards' manhood ("Why isn't John Edwards making this call?") and instead accused Elizabeth Edwards of impinging on her freedom to speak. Then, since there's no hominem like an ad hominem, Coulter didn't answer Edwards (or Matthews) on the issue of personal attacks, using the opportunity to call John Edwards a "shyster" lawyer who ripped off doctors.

Another point here is not just that Coulter is a nasty, savage cunt-beast. It's that she's just fucking stupid. Here she is talking about killing civilians in our current war(s): "[Y]ou are destroying the society that has produced these monsters. And you win by killing the other side and not allowing your side to be killed. Withdrawal would be the worst thing we could do. We could definitely fight it a little bit harder. I mean, I understand why Rumsfeld wanted to have a small footprint. It is a little bit different since it wasn't a country attacking us, it is this ideology that has spread throughout the Middle East. Yes, that makes it a lot trickier. But the small footprint didn't really work. Americans are getting fed up. Democracies don't like to go to war, so we're going to have to wrap it up quickly and destroy the fighting spirit of the fanatics." Can you understand a goddamn thing in there? The Rude Pundit's argued with drunks at bars who've been more coherent just before they passed out.

But, hey, chances are Ann Coulter's anorexic or, at the very least, bulimic, considering the number of times she referred to Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton as "chubby." And in that case, we can expect a peaking of madness as her weight drops, followed, perhaps, by a brain hemorrhage that keeps her in a coma until she finally dies under the burden of her own rot.

The one good line Chris Matthews got in: Referring to the cheering pro-Coulter crowd, he said, "My God, is this Deliverance?" No, but there was ass-fucking going on.

(Back to the motherfuckering tomorrow.)