I’ll Go With the Trained Primate

There are some journalism rules that are steadfastly unbreakable. Bush administration reports will contain at least one lie. Anything written by Christopher Hitchens will be complete horseshit. Monkeys are always funny. So I like to start my day with a headline like this: India tries to chase monkeys from trains.

The authorities, I read, have hired a langur wrangler to keep the monkeys off the trains, because the monkeys are scared of langurs. I don’t know what the hell a langur is, so I look it up.

Am I not a fucking monkey?

No, evidently you’re a primate. Although, I grant you, you really look like a fucking monkey.

So, Mr. Vidyacharan Patel of Mumbai has the choice of sharing his train with a wild monkey (who will probably try to steal his cigarettes) or a primate that looks like a monkey on a leash. It’s not much of a choice, but anyone with any sense would choose the primate on a leash.

Which is why, when every election rolls around, I vote for the Democrats.

There are a lot of apathetic jerkoffs in this country who love to take a long slug of shitty beer and utter what they consider the epitome of nuanced political thought: “There’s no difference between the two parties, anyway.” Stunningly original, I’ll acquiesce, but incorrect nonetheless. That this tired drip of dogwank wisdom is still hanging around after six years of indisputable evidence that there was indeed a great deal of difference between George Bush and Al Gore, whose contest in 2000 was defined by that nugget of nonsense, is indicative of how lazy and unengaged the people who employ it really are. I’d have more respect for them if they were honest enough to admit, “I don’t care enough to pay attention, so I don’t have an opinion.” And if they were brave enough to add, “Which makes me a completely useless fuck who has no basis for complaint,” I’d give them a bloody medal.

Because there is, after all, a difference between a wild monkey and a trained primate on a leash. Sure, the latter might give you a surly look you don’t like or scratch his balls at embarrassing moments or have the temerity to do something a bit clever and remind you rather uncomfortably of how little DNA actually separates your hairless ass from his, but a wild monkey is quite likely to throw his shit at you, then screech and jump around maniacally in celebration. And if that doesn’t remind you of the marauding band of wild monkeys known as the GOP Congressional majority, then you really haven’t been paying attention.

To wit, the American Values Agenda, which was the centerpiece of House legislation before the hardworking wankers of Congress left for their much-needed break, new raise in hand. The retrofuck jackholes known as the House GOP debated the federal marriage amendment, which had not a Republican’s chance in heaven of passing, but did it anyway, because it’s fun to fling poo at the gays. They debated the Pledge Protection Act, designed to protect the Pledge of Allegiance from legal challenges to the phrase “under God,” because it’s fun to fling poo at the atheists. The American Values Agenda also included bills to ban human cloning, require women seeking late-term abortions to be informed that the fetus feels pain, ban internet gambling, and protect gun rights, because what Americans are really worried about these days is making sure they have guns to fight to married gay clones who convince women to have whimsical late-term abortions so they can dedicate their days to online gambling instead of mothering a future generation of voter monkeys who will screech with delight at all the poo-launching.

American values, bitchez! Ooh-ooh-ooh ahh-ahh-ahh!

Personally, I’d prefer to look down at my voting card and see some grown-up humans as options. (I’ve heard they’ve got them in Europe; maybe we can import some.) But failing that, I’ll go for the primate on a leash, who might not be ready for dinner with adults, but will at least be discrete with his excrement, because all I really want is to ride the train in peace, with some decent healthcare coverage, an alternative energy plan, a functioning foreign policy, and no wild monkeys blocking the door if I want to get off at Gay Rights Gully, Abortion Junction, or Stem Cell Station. Is that really so much to ask?