Joe Klein Hearts Newt Gingrich. A Lot:
Really, and c'mon, was it necessary for Time magazine writer Joe Klein to get down on his knees and gratifyingly suck Newt Gingrich's cock? For in his latest column (if by "column," you mean, "pitiful cries for attention from a self-hating moderate begging for continued relevance"), Klein gives such an enthusiastic hummer to the disgraced former Speaker of the House (and, please, gang, let's never forget that that round turd with the white mop top was run out of DC) that one wonders if he did it all in one breath, the sign of the well-practiced fellater. Gurgled Klein as he deep-throated the entirety of the Gingrich johnson, "It's almost always a joy listening to Gingrich when he's on a tear. And he's almost always on a tear of some sort." Klein is explaining his title, "Why Newt Is So Much Fun To Watch (While He's Balls Deep in My Face)."

Was it necessary for Klein to go even further, to lick the waxy folds of Newt Gingrich's balls clean with all the joy of a big-titted, coked-out groupie girl offering to let each ZZ Top roadie jack off on her if she can have ten minutes alone with Billy? Because the image one gets is of Newt Gingrich, pants around his ankles, fists on his waist like a cheap Superman rip-off, gazing at an American flag in the distance as Joe Klein tongue bathes the balls of the man who was so brave, he dumped his cancer-ridden wife while she was in the hospital. Lapped Klein, "We might even create a new federal position to accommodate him, sort of like party ideologist in the old Soviet Union, except that the U.S. job would be the opposite of what it was in the U.S.S.R. Instead of imposing orthodoxy, the party idea-ologist—ideology is so un-American—would propose unorthodoxy." Parse that motherfucker if you dare.

Joe Klein has taken long swallows of Gingrich's man-goo in the past. Back in 1995 in Newsweek, writing then, as now, about Gingrich possibly running for President, Klein gulped, "'Newt Gingrich has been acting more like the president of the United States than the president himself,' Lamar Alexander said before Oklahoma City. And it was true. Gingrich's prime-time speech at the end of the hundred days...seemed far more convincing than anything Clinton had done since the election." Ahh, that's the Klein we know and love, so full of loathing for Bill Clinton, like the good, soothing "liberal" who lets the Republicans sleep at night because he wants them to like him so fucking much. 'Cause, you know, a liberal can't be credible unless he or she attacks the left and demonstrates they love them some conservatives, too.

Like Klein in the April 25, 1994 Newsweek, when he wrote a line that could come straight out of his column this week: "He barrels through our national life with grand exuberance and flying elbows. He's a brilliant player, energetic and innovative." Yes, when a man loves a man, it's a beautiful thing. Klein has criticized Gingrich, too, but it's got the petty air of a man who has just spent the morning picking dried Newt semen out of his beard, waiting mournfully for a phone call that never rings.

So, yeah, Joe Klein can't help himself. He can't get enough of Newt Gingrich's cock. Klein dreams about it, leaning back at his desk in deep contemplation of the feel, the contour, the delicious moments he spends licking it clean when Newt makes a mouth deposit. "Newt may be carrying too much baggage to be President, but wouldn't it be fun—and a boon for our democracy—to have him onstage in the coming debate?" Klein writes, deludedly, madly, monomaniacally focused, his mind so full of man-love that he can't recognize that what he's really asking is if the convicted child molester would like to come back to work at the day care.