George W. Bush, Proud Masturbator For Freedom:
Back in middle school and high school, President George W. Bush was masturbating constantly, moving from fumbling random jerker to expert pecker caresser. In the bathrooms of Andover, in the outhouses of Midland, in his pillow at nights in Connecticut compounds, wherever he could and whenever he had or could manufacture a chance, George W. Bush would whip out his stringy dick and thwack that fucker like he was taming a lion in the middle ring. It was easy enough for him to jack off - all he had to do was look in the mirror and imagine fucking himself. Sometimes he'd treat himself sweetly, caressing his face and tweaking his nipples delicately, slowly moving his hand down to his groin to lovingly yank his cock into eruption and ecstasy. Sometimes, though, he knew he'd been a naughty boy, so he'd spank himself and call himself "bitchdawg," fingering his own prostate like he was wildcattin' fer black gold. Then he'd smack his peter on the sink edge, beatin' his meat with all his might.

It was during one of these times of pure joy that his father walked in on him, having been drawn to the bathroom by Jr.'s increasingly loud threats to himself. Sr. was shocked, to say the least, staring at his son with one hand up his ass and the other treating his penis like a rolling pin at the busiest French bakery in Houston. Other young men might have run out, ashamed, scarred forever. Some may have tried to mumble a lied excuse - "Umm, a bug crawled up there while I was peein' in the sink." But not George W. He stared at his father like the old man was covered in shit. "Ya think you could shut the door? Can't you see I'm busy here?" George W. spat out at his stunned pater. Sr. closed the door quietly and shuddered as he heard W.'s yowls of ejaculatory glee.

Later, Sr. tried to talk to his first born son about masturbating. He didn't want to tell the boy that it was wrong, but just to keep it down a little and maybe come up with a few other hobbies. George W. cut off his father and proclaimed, "I don't give a shit what you say. In fact, I'm gonna jack off more. I'm gonna do it and you can't even stop me." And then he walked out on the stunned patriarch, saying, "In fact, I'm gonna jack off right now."

So it is that now that Bush has been caught authorizing secret wiretaps and electronic surveillance, all anyone wants to know is, "Why couldn't you just go to FISA or the Congress, even retroactively?" And Bush's reaction? "Fuck you. Can't you see I'm busy spyin' here?"

Or words to that effect. Here's Bush in his speech in Kansas yesterday, part of his Neverending Campaign tour: "First, I made the decision to do the following things because there's an enemy that still wants to harm the American people. What I'm talking about is the intercept of certain communications emanating between somebody inside the United States and outside the United States; and one of the numbers would be reasonably suspected to be an al Qaeda link or affiliate. In other words, we have ways to determine whether or not someone can be an al Qaeda affiliate or al Qaeda. And if they're making a phone call in the United States, it seems like to me we want to know why.

"This is a -- I repeat to you, even though you hear words, 'domestic spying,' these are not phone calls within the United States. It's a phone call of an al Qaeda, known al Qaeda suspect, making a phone call into the United States. I'm mindful of your civil liberties, and so I had all kinds of lawyers review the process. We briefed members of the United States Congress, one of whom was Senator Pat Roberts, about this program. You know, it's amazing, when people say to me, well, he was just breaking the law -- if I wanted to break the law, why was I briefing Congress?"

In other words, he's gonna jack off as much as he wants, no matter how many sores or calluses end up on his dick, no matter how much it interferes with the functioning of his daily life. Motherfucker, the President of the United States says spyin' is necessary and no fuckin' Constitution is gonna tell him otherwise: "Congress gave me the authority to use necessary force to protect the American people, but it didn't prescribe the tactics. It's an -- you've got the power to protect us, but we're not going to tell you how. And one of the ways to protect the American people is to understand the intentions of the enemy. I told you it's a different kind of war with a different kind of enemy. If they're making phone calls into the United States, we need to know why -- to protect you."

Which is not unlike saying that if your parents give you permission to go out for the night and the keys to the car, and you snort coke off a she-male hooker's tits while drivin' and the car plunges into the neighbor's pool, taking out the hedges, the garden gnomes, and the neighbor's schnauzer, as well as causing the she-male hooker to need stitches in her tits 'cause you bit 'em when the car leaped off the road, you shouldn't be punished because your parents didn't tell you not to snort coke off a she-male hooker's tits while drivin'.

The smirk that Bush gets when he's in front of an adoring crowd is the same smirk he got starin' in that mirror, that he still gets starin' in the mirror, pretendin' that he's on television, yankin' his cock and sprayin' us all with spooge, every infantile fantasy come true.