Break-Ups Are Always Messy:
Here's the Rude Pundit's take on the vicious turn Congress has taken: Let's posit a gay male couple at the end of their relationship. We'll call them Ron and Dave. Ron and Dave have been a fairly successful couple, they've lasted more years than many. It's been rocky. But mostly they've functioned well together. They've developed a big group of friends who like to hang with them because Ron and Dave, for all they're faults, like the occasional screaming fight in front of the neighbors, throw the most awesome parties where everyone gets drunk, the condoms are free, and even the occasional straight guy who wanders in enjoys an evening of experimenting with cock. All in all a really nice set-up. But one day Ron turns into an asshole, and not the good kind, the welcoming kind that needs a little KY in order to be useful. A real jerk. Ron decides he wants to be a top and only a top. No more fucking for Dave, only getting fucked. And if Dave even asks for a blow job, Ron has said he's going to walk out the door. But Ron still gives Dave the occasional hand job for release - it shuts Dave up, makes him think there's still love, and gets him to bend over one more time for Ron. Dave isn't dumb. He thinks this will pass, that Ron will one day welcome him back fully with open arms and mouth and all will be well. But Ron isn't on that path. It's sad, really, to watch Ron and Dave, think their friends, it's really sad to watch Dave, who used to be so full of life. Ron pushes Dave even further, introducing leather cuffs, nipple clamps, and large dildos to their sex life. Then Ron finally says he can't take the sight of Dave, get your fucking shit out of my cool Chelsea apartment, and go fuck yourself. Dave is devastated. What's more, Ron has decided to make this into a war: he's telling all the friends that it's Dave's fault for the break up. That Dave has a little dick, that Dave wouldn't let Ron shove the whole nine-inch vibrator into his ass. In fact, if you still want to go to cool parties, you better abandon Dave and just hang with Ron. So there's Dave, alone, waiting for a cheap apartment to open up, with the few friends who decided to stand by him while the rest have decided that their own hedonistic joy is more important than anything having to do with loyalty or what's right. They stick with Ron, who has the great apartment, who has the best parties. Who, by Ron's report, has the bigger dick.

Now let's get a little of that fat fuck Dr. Phil on Dave. Maybe even a little of that vile cunt Dr. Laura. You wanna tell Dave there's two paths, and they're not mutually exclusive: forget about it, move on, find someone else, new friends, better friends, a new lover, one who cares, understands. Or go after Ron, even if it means setting fire to the apartment, that in the ashes everyone will realize what an asshole Ron is and leave his fucking ass in the soot and dirt and watch him wallow about for something to fuck.

Okay, long goddamn metaphor, but the Rude Pundit thinks it's apt. The Democrats are on the verge of congressional irrelevance, and, for the most part, they don't realize that they have become their own enablers. They think the old rules still apply, and, well, they're wrong. The Medicare "reform" legislation is, of course, Exhibit A. Not only did the Republicans break all deals with Democrats, not only did they refuse to allow anyone besides lackeys and lobbyists to help craft the bill, not only did they hold the vote open for three hours in the House of Representatives, not only did Tom Daschle fail to filibuster the bill, but the Republicans went after their own with a horrifying viciousness, like little fucking wolverines tearing the flesh off a wounded rabbit, like drunken frat boys with a roofies-induced unconscious sorority sister, like, well, like, you know, Republicans.

As "reported" by Robert Novak in his "column," Republican Rep. Nick Smith of Michigan, who had voted against the "legislation," was intimidated, bribed, and basically ripped apart with Torquemada-like effectiveness by the Republican leadership. Since the retiring anachronism (a member of Congress with principles) couldn't be personally bought, the Repubs told him they'd get $100,000 in soft money to his son's campaign for Congress. Or DeLay would squash Smith's son like the bugs the Hammer used to exterminate before he discovered that hate had electable legs. In fact, the bribe was so blatant you'd think someone would investigate, but, in another of many recent examples that prove the press is not in any way, shape or form "liberal," the story's been mostly ignored.

And, like a high school girl who has just been told that her nail color makes her look fat, the President, in his early morning arm twisting session while the Medicare vote was occurring, hung up in a huff on Florida Republican Rep. Tom Feeney, who, in an attempt to actually behave like a conservative, opposed the bill because of its cost. Cringe-inducing, no? The idea that the allegedly most powerful man in the free world, the man who may have the power to jail any of us at a whim, is so petty, so pathetic, that he can't handle a single dissenter.

But enough. Here's the one solution: since open bribery in the form of soft money is the order of the day in Washington, it's time to tap into some of that Hollywood, George Soros, or Bill Gates funds and offer whatever it takes to get Olympia Snowe and Lincoln Chaffee in the Senate to switch parties. Promise them anything - promise to fucking whack their opponents. But get them to switch or go independent. Goddamn, those snowbound lobster eaters in Maine won't care. And Nebraska has enough people crazed by wide open spaces and wheat pollen to go along with it. But show the thugs that are running the joint that we can be just as dirty as them.

So my solution for Dave? Everyone moves on. Everyone takes it like a grown-up and shrugs his or her shoulders and moves on. Fuck that. Burn the apartment, even if you have to burn some of your shit along with Ron's. But watch it burn and laugh because Ron won't know what hit him.