11/12/2018

For Veterans Day, Trump Serial-Insults Veterans, Troops, Everyone

Our goddamn president, Donald Trump, bumblefucked his way through the last couple of days, essentially lumbering over to Paris in order to loudly fart at our allies before smiling at Vladimir Putin the way one smiles at one's bookie while trying to convince him not to have your kneecaps broken. In the course of the weekend and today, which included Veterans Day (or, you know, Armistice Day), Trump and his administration of boobs, twits, and fuck-ups managed to insult and degrade veterans and U.S. troops.

Let's start with the rank narcissism. At this point, to call Trump "narcissistic" is like calling the Catholic Church "a child-raping ring pretending to be a religion." We know. All you gotta say is the name and we get it. So it's not surprising that Trump makes everything about himself. True to form, he wished the Marine Corps a "Happy Birthday" on the 243rd anniversary of its creation and he did it with a picture of himself speaking to some Marines at an air base in Florida. Then, for Veterans Day, he tweeted a picture of himself hugging a vet. He celebrated the 100th anniversary of the founding of Poland with a picture of himself speaking in that country. Then fuckin' Melania posted a photo of both her and her lump of a husband at an event in Paris for the end of World War I as a way to "remember the brave actions of our troops."

In France on Saturday, Trump wouldn't leave his hotel to go out in a slight drizzle to honor those troops, including over 1000 Marines, whose "birthday" he had just tweet-celebrated, at an event at the Aisne-Marne Cemetery 30 miles outside Paris.  The White House gave various excuses, like that the weather was too bad for his helicopter (which, as Malcolm Nance said this morning, was designed to track ships in monsoons and can land on the ocean, if needed). They said that a motorcade would have been disruptive, although it wasn't for the president of, you know, France. Let's be real: Trump was going to have walk more than a few steps and he can barely get his lardass up the stairs to Air Force One without looking like he's gonna vomit on himself from the effort. His only movement is swinging a golf club before getting back into the cart.

For extra head-smackingly sad hilarity, here's what Trump actually said in a speech the next day in France: "Through rain, hail, snow, mud, poisonous gas, bullets and mortar, they held the line, and pushed onward to victory — it was a great, great victory; costly victory but a great victory." That's right. The soldiers walked through shit pits with Hell raining down around them, but President Sugartits can't handle a little moisture.

Oh, and then, today, when Veterans Day is being observed, Trump is doing not a goddamn thing to honor the dead. He's not going to Arlington Cemetery to lay a wreath. Why? Fuckin' rain, man. (Note: It didn't rain.)

This is all symbolic stuff, even if the actual symbolism is Trump shitting on a grave and wiping his ass on the marble cross that marks it. But there is something that directly affects the lives of living veterans going on that the Trump administration is responsible for. His Veterans Day Proclamation is filled with self-praise about how awesome he has deluded himself into thinking he's been for vets. It says, "My Administration is also processing veteran claims and appeals more quickly than ever before, and veterans can now use their GI Bill benefits at any point in their lives." Funny thing about that is it's a lie.

Yeah, thanks to the clusterfuck of incompetence and apathy that is the hallmark of the Trump presidency, payments to vets from the GI Bill have been delayed "for months," according to NBC News. Indeed, the housing stipend that vets are supposed to receive has been delayed so much that some vets may have become or are about to become homeless because they can't afford their rent. The big reason is that Trump signed some mighty bill that accelerated vets getting benefits, but the bill didn't provide for updating the computers and software that would help process all the claims. And we're talking hundreds of thousands of vets being affected by this, unable to pay for their homes and their education.

So, you know, maybe instead of letting him get away with hiding and hunching over his phone, tweeting while watching Fox "news," someone can actually get this fuckin' fraud of a man to pretend he gives a shit about something other than himself. Hell, by this point in his presidency, Barack Obama had visited troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, actual war zones.

Trump can't even take a limo ride to a graveyard.

One last thing: This doesn't even get into Trump's call for Florida to ignore the votes of active troops in the midterm count. Not the recount. The count. Yeah, overseas ballots can come in until Friday. Man, those soldiers make awesome props.

11/09/2018

Random Observations... (Part 2): How Crazy Will Shit Get?

As we tumble and twist to the end of the year and into the new one with Democrats having a whole fuckload of power more than they've had since the end of 2016, you gotta understand that shit's about to go fuckin' crazy. We have a crazy motherfucker in the White House who is getting crazier and crankier every day. He's surrounded by crazy motherfuckers, and the people who believe in him are crazy motherfuckers. And, as I've said so many times before, a motherfucker will fuck mothers. That is a motherfucker's primary purpose. So a whole bunch of mothers are about to get fucked in a motherfucking rage orgy. And when Democrats take over the House, it's gonna get even fuckier.

1. Shit's gonna get crazy in the lame duck session of Congress. The Republicans get to keep the House for four weeks of scheduled sessions before the Christmas break. You can bet that Paul Ryan and the Trump spunk gobblers in his caucus are gonna try to ram through an Affordable Care Act repeal, more tax cuts (or more permanent tax cuts), and whatever else they can. The honest-to-fuck shock is that there are some bipartisan bills that might pass, like criminal justice reform and the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act. Hell, things might be just bizarro enough that they make a deal on immigration: DACA kids for the funding for the bullshit wall (the same deal that was negotiated before that Trump walked away from). But the Senate is gonna amp up the judge approvals, and they'll rubber stamp the asses of anyone Trump nominates to any post. He could send Roy Cohn's skull up for Attorney General, and Lindsey Graham would screech about how qualified it is and how Democrats are jerks for pointing out that it's not alive, Jeff Flake would sigh and tweet how wrong it is, and Orrin Hatch would tongue fuck the eyeholes, all before making Roy Cohn's skull AG.

2. Shit's gonna get crazy in the Justice Department. Right now, with the firing of America's most racist leprechaun, Jeff Sessions, we have a bugfuck insane, walking cockknob as Attorney General. Matthew Whitaker is a repulsive idiot, a filthy con man,  and another Trump dick lamprey. Not only does the nation have to deal with the fallout of Sessions' bullshit approach to criminal justice, like ignoring the threat of far-right violence and gutting consent decrees on police brutality, but now we've got an asshole in there who is a walking conflict of interest. Whether or not the investigation of Robert Mueller gets to continue is now in the hands of Kingpin the AG. This is not to mention that we get to look forward to the confirmation hearing of, perhaps, Chris Christie, which will primarily consist of Republicans fighting each other to suckle at his man teats while Christie insults Democrats.

3. Shit's gonna get crazy with Trump's voters. The MAGA chodes have been told over and over that they will always be winning. Like monkeys who just had their favorite toy taken away, they're going to be confused by Democrats being able to subpoena their orange dolt god and force officials to testify under oath. Monkeys will break shit. They are in full death threat mode already, against Christine Blasey Ford, who dared to tell her story of sexual abuse by Brett Kavanaugh, and against any reporter that Trump calls out, especially April Ryan and Jim Acosta. You might have forgotten, but a MAGA puke sent a dozen bombs to Democrats and liberals opposed to the president just a week or so ago. These assholes have no chill. They are itching for the chance to take down some libtards. I promise you that right now, they're breaking out their ape memes to attack Michelle Obama for daring to say that Trump was full of shit about birther nonsense. I would lay money down that some piece of shit is locked and loaded and ready to go to Florida (or, more likely, is already living there) to stop the counting of ballots.

4. Trump's gonna go full apeshit. Or he's already doing it. Jesus, at that press conference thing, he mocked Republicans who lost, he shit-talked the media constantly when not being outright abusive, and his self-aggrandizement was the kind of ego rant that one usually associates with a high school student council member who wants more credit for putting together the homecoming dance decorations. One quick example: On North Korea, he said, "We made more progress in that four or five months than they’ve made in 70 years. And nobody else could have done what I’ve done." Bitch, we had actual deals with North Korea and they fell apart. You haven't done shit but put your tiny hand in Kim Jong-un's tiny hand and traded palm sweat. But watch for Trump to lash out even more harshly, as he did today, calling a reporter's question on the Mueller investigation "stupid," and look for executive orders piling up. Frankly, if we're not in a war by the end of 2019, I'll be surprised. Trump is a coward at heart. It's why he has always crumbled whenever he's been questioned under oath. He talks a good game about fighting, but he's one of those punk-ass mob bosses who never got his hands dirty. He's always had goons and lackeys do his bidding. When his family starts being arrested, he's gonna scream and throw shit around and demand his idiot horde battle for his honor.

5. How do you respond to shit going crazy? Simple: You keep poking the crazy until their crazy is clear. Trump and the GOP are gonna say that Democrats are "harassing" them by investigating. It won't matter if Democrats are probing the most obvious shit, like voter suppression. The second some official is forced to produce documents, Trump will say how "no man was ever treated worse." It won't matter. Every Democratic bill will be labeled "socialism." Every opposition to a nominee will be called "obstruction." He is going to war. So be in a war posture. Go on the offense (and I talked how to do that Wednesday), ignore the right-wing noise machine, and bring a modicum of sanity back.

Gird yer loins, sweet Americans. If you thought times have been intense already, we're about to barrel into maelstrom.

11/08/2018

Today's Post Will Be Tomorrow

Okay, this day got away from me. Sometimes a grown-up's job is work. And today was one of those days. I gotta stop ending posts with "I'll talk about this tomorrow." 15 years and I haven't learned that lesson.

Anyway, back tomorrow (really) with a post on how shit's going crazy.

11/07/2018

Random Observations on the Democrats Getting a Win and Trump Losing (Part 1)

1. Democrats won. Don't let any motherfuckers spin it any other way. It's that simple. No, Democrats didn't win as much as we would have wanted. Yes, they lost a couple of seats in the Senate. Yes, there were some heartbreakers, like Beto O'Rourke losing to the desert skink in a human skin suit, Ted Cruz. But, in the light of day, after all the counting is done, Democrats began Tuesday by having no power in federal government (beyond the Senate filibuster) and ended it with full subpoena and investigative power as the majority in the House of Representatives. That's a fucking unequivocal win, taking some longtime seats from the filthy hands of the GOP. And bathe yourself in the blood of the deaths of the political careers of Kris Kobach, Dana Rohrbacher, and Scott Walker, among so many other fucknuts. So quit bitching about the losses, hang in there for the recounts, get jazzed about the local and state victories, and get ready for the coming war.

2. We all want Nancy Pelosi to put on the deluxe spiked strap-on and ream the assholes of the Trump Administration. God, their yowls of pain would be like sweet music for the next two years. Lemme lay out a better strategy.
- Target the most corrupt cockmites in the White House, like Ryan Zinke and Wilbur Ross (although look for their resignations soon).
- Wreck the scumfucks in the GOP caucus, like Devin Nunes, Steve King, and Chris Collins, with ethics investigations. Demonstrate that we don't want traitors and Nazis and thieves in power.
- Shove a hearing enema into the sphincter of things like white nationalism, voter suppression, immigration fuckery, and anything that can shine a light on the shitpile of cruelty, negligence, and outright evil committed by the GOP and conservative nutzoids.
- And release the fuckin' hounds on judicial nominees. Yeah, the House doesn't vote on 'em, but it can sure as shit investigate if someone's a damn sexual predator.

3a. But pick the battles with Trump. Goddamn, I want him to suffer subpoena and arrests so fucking much that I can taste the orange tanning spray dripping off his sweaty face. I want him to watch his horrible jizzstain children sent to prison. I want him to see his fake empire burned to the fucking ground with lawsuits and bankruptcies until he is just another pathetic, poor old racist, mumbling to himself in some stinking room that he used to be someone. But the risk is turning Trump into a martyr because he loves playing the victim who needs his idiot hordes to defend him. Start with his taxes. Find out if he's really under "continuous audit," as he said today (Note: He's not because that's not a thing). Use that info to say he's a lying dickhole and should release his taxes. Then subpoena them. Then have a fuckin' fight. And when the Mueller report is issued (well, if it's issued now), use that as the basis for an investigation into how the Russians own Trump.

3b. The counter to this is that Trump is gonna whine and attack Democrats for any investigating at all, so, fuck it, may as well go whole hog. Go after all of 'em, from dumb thug Eric to skeevy thug Don, Jr. to incest model Ivanka, and make Jared cry. Go after Trump's finances, from his money-laundering to his hotels used as bribe machines to his dicking over of investors. Scorched earth this motherfucker. Fuck it. What do you think Trump's gonna do? Play nice? Make deals? Democrats won the House precisely to be a check on Trump. So fuckin' check away. And impeach the bitch.

4. Trump was a quivering, desperate little jelly man today at whatever the fuck that press conference was. He was lashing out at any reporters who dared to challenge him, going so far as calling an African American reporter "racist" for asking him about racism. You know he wanted to send goons to break CNN's Jim Acosta's legs. He was ranting and sweating and threatening and then trying to say he'd work with Democrats. He praised himself endlessly, going so far as to say that the only lesson he learned from the midterms was that "People really like me." He really said, "God plays a big role in my life." He claimed that candidates who he campaigned for won, despite the fact that that is objectively not true (he went to Montana four times, but Jon Tester won, for example). What we were watching were the wheels coming off the wagon as he realized that Democrats would now be able to show the Americans people that he really is just a tiny mushroom dick.

5. Shit's gonna get crazy pretty quickly. More on that tomorrow.


11/05/2018

Why People Who Vote for Republicans in the Midterms Deserve Your Anger and Spite

Let me tell you about my weekend.

I was at a reunion of a lovely, kind, generous family who I am fortunate to know. There were over 100 people there, all related to Irish immigrants who came to the United States at the start of the 20th century. A very old man walked over to the PA system that our hosts had set up, took the mic, and introduced himself as the oldest living family member there. He was the 90 year-old grandson of the first member of the family to come to the United States.

That immigrant, that young woman, Mary, arrived when she was 15, and she settled in Connecticut. "Then she worked and sent money home. And when she had earned enough, she was able to bring her sister over," he said. "And then they worked and sent money home. When they sent enough, their other sister came over." That's how it went with the family. They came to America, arrived in Boston or New York, and they worked and they sent money home to help their families and they brought relatives over when they could. That's the story of this country. There is no America without this story, multiplied millions of times over.

Now, this very large family contained multitudes. They had married people of other nationalities. They had married people of other races - black, Hispanic. There were same sex couples. Many of these couples had children, mixed race and mixed background, some adopted and some through IVF. There were physically and developmentally disabled people. There was an entire range of political beliefs. There was even a bagpiper. Every single person there accepted every single other one. That is also the story of this country. And there is no America without this story, multiplied millions of times over.

When we talk about "the American dream," we mostly think that it's something capitalistic, that if you work hard and play by the rules, you'll be comfortable, maybe even wealthy, and you'll be able to buy shit and do shit and you'll be happy because of it. But we know that's nonsense. We know that that American dream is just a hamster wheel that you run on endlessly for the amusement of people who don't have to worry about dreams.

Instead, what we should be talking about is the dream of America, something akin to Martin Luther King's dream, one that is about the way in which the United States is constructed. If you do not understand that this is a nation that only exists because of immigrants, that family unification (not the bullshit term "chain immigration") is the foundational way in which communities are organized and end up flourishing, that people deserve to be treated like people no matter where the hell they are from, that one group of immigrants, be they from Mexico, Somalia, or Ireland, is not superior to another, or if you think that we shouldn't allow refugees asylum here or that we should tear children away from their parents to teach them all a lesson in daring to believe in the fucking myth that the world is fed constantly about this nation, then you don't understand a goddamn thing about what makes America American. It's the fucking ability to live with each other without getting in each other's shit about who people are. It's learning that difference isn't scary.

My reason for being abjectly enraged by Trump supporters is not that I disagree with their politics, although I do. It's not even that I think they're assholes, although they proudly are. They enrage me because they don't want to even try anymore to pretend any of this has to do with anything other than racism and hatred. They enrage me because they want to take the one thing that actually does make America great - our openness to people from all over the world - and shitcan it.

And I know that the country has fucked up time and again when it comes to treatment of immigrants. I know that the Irish were once considered animals, and then the Italians, and then, and then, and then. There has always been the groups of people that were feared and reviled and discriminated against and deported and expelled. Same as it ever was.

Despite all of that, immigrants want to come here. And it's not because they get to try to negotiate a barbaric residency process or work shit jobs or any of that. It's for the reason that anyone would do it. It's the reason there is a caravan. It's so their kids can maybe have a better life, maybe even as Americans. Same as it ever was.

The sisters who came here in the early 1900s when Ireland was a shithole country worked awful jobs. They arrived during a time of higher unemployment than we have now, and during periods of recession and depression. They worked. They had American kids. It wasn't even a question. They had American kids. Now, generations later, a few of their descendants are rich. A few even work for the local and state and federal governments. Some have remained working class. Most are comfortably middle class. The dream, man. Why would we deny it to people now? How childish. How absurd. How fucked.

If you had any hopes two terrible years ago that Donald Trump would govern as anything other than the rank dick he has been his entire life, you know better now. If you had any hopes that Republicans would rise to the occasion and hold Trump to the same standards they held Democrats, you know better. You know the only way to slow Trump down is to elect Democrats. The only reason to vote Republican is because you want the America Trump and the GOP want.

Because of that, you deserve our contempt and our rage. You are the thugs. You are the gangs. You are the terrorists. You are anti-American.

And when I vote tomorrow, it will be to tell you to go back underground and wallow in your own hatred and filth and leave the rest of us the fuck alone. We've got work to do. Together.


11/02/2018

It's Not "Vote-Shaming"; It's Telling You Not to Be an Asshole

Let's put aside some very real and insidious impediments to voting. Let's put aside those affected by the vile voter i.d. laws that target the poor and non-white. Let's put aside those who have been purged from voter rolls by the corrupt fuckers who run elections in their states. Let's put aside people for whom poverty has made voting almost impossible, people who live in rural areas without transportation, people forced to work multiple jobs to just fucking live in this cruel economy, people who haven't gotten the education they need to do things like vote absentee. Put all of those citizens aside for this argument. This isn't directed at any of them because outside forces have screwed up their right to vote, which shouldn't happen in anything we want to call "democracy."

Hell, let's even put aside people who, for some fuckin' reason or other, can't negotiate our admittedly and absurdly baroque and broken patchwork of voter registration procedures.

No, this is directed at every wannabe leftist rebel or liberal louche slacker who thinks it's cool to be anti-establishment and who express that wannabe rebellion or coolness by not voting.

You think withholding your vote is some kinda fuckin' grand statement, that the Democratic Party is a corrupt machine that doesn't respond to real progressive goals; that you aren't going to participate in a system that is so fucked up; that money in politics, from Wall Street, from polluters, from billionaires, has screwed the electoral pooch and then turned it over screwed it again; that the Democratic candidate in your state or district pisses you off because they don't agree with you on everything?

Well, fuckin' welcome to the house of American politics. The Democratic Party is a corrupt machine, the system is fucked up, that electoral pooch keeps getting screwed by wads of cash, and every candidate will piss you off in some way. Yeah, it sucks shit to have to vote for Joe fuckin' Manchin. We know the joint's a mess, but it's the place where we gotta live. You can try to build another place, which means you gotta buy the building material, hire the labor, and get all the permits. Or you can pick up a broom and help clean up this one right now.

Not voting when you are ready and able to vote is privilege taken to the hilt. The non-voters on the left have decided that their beliefs trump (goddamn him for taking that word from us) whatever good can be done through elections as the parties stand now. If you don't vote and that causes Republicans to keep both houses of Congress, you have condemned yourself and all the people you think you're taking a stand for to at least two more years and the lingering effects of gutted social programs, of a war on women and non-whites, of an openly racist immigration policy, of inaction on climate change, and so very much more. You will be deciding that you would rather that happen, you would rather fuck up real lives of real people, than you compromised.

That makes you an asshole. That makes anyone you know who's doing the same an asshole. You are being a bunch of assholes. You have a choice here. You can choose to not be an asshole.

No, a Democratic Party with some power isn't going to change everything. But it's sure as shit all we've got right now. And I know, I know, I fuckin' know that every election is important. We should have learned that in 2010, when the failure of Obama's voters to show up at the polls brought us to this fucked point. Yet lemme pull the old man card: This one feels different. This one feels as if we have a chance to pull the country back from a precipice, and that if we don't, if Trump has his power affirmed, we're gonna head down some dark-ass paths that won't let you start a third party or whatever the fuck you wanna do. Dictators and their supporters tend not to like that shit.

By the way, dear disenchanted progressives and socialists, there is already a movement for change within the Democratic Party. The primary victories of Ayanna Pressley in Massachusetts and Andrew Gillum in Florida, not to mention Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in New York City, will transform the party in those areas. Florida? You got that. Fuckin' Florida will likely go progressive. That's how you do it. You fuckin' gut the house you're in and rebuild that shit from the inside. If it can be done in Florida, it can be done everywhere.

Inevitably, someone will bring up that I'm "vote shaming" them. First off, fuck that phrase. When you fat shame or kink shame or slut shame, you are condemning someone for something that doesn't affect you at all. You feel uncomfortable so you lash out like a child. But voting is an action that has a direct effect on millions of other people. I'm criticizing you as a fellow citizen. As an equal. As an adult whose decisions have consequences.

Fuckin' vote. Fuckin' vote like it might be the last time you get to vote. Fuckin' vote because you know, in your heart of hearts, that Trump is a goddamn plague. Fuckin' vote to get some sanity back in our federal government. Fuckin' vote because you can.

Note: I don't believe this is about a large group of people. But elections have been so close lately that all votes matter.

Last note: If you're just too lazy to vote, go fuck yourself.

(On Monday, I'll talk about having the right to abjectly despise people who vote for Trump-supporting Republicans.)

11/01/2018

The Rude Pundit on Patreon: Join Up and Get More Rudeness in Your Lap, on Your Hand, and in Your Ear

Just a not-so-little reminder here that you can join the Rude Pundit Patreon page for as little as a buck a month and as much as, oh, hell, let's say a gajillion. What do your dollars get you?

For $1, you get a bonus post and one Rude Storytime each month. Like the recent "Rush Limbaugh Loses His Goddamned Mind (Again) When the MAGABomber Is Caught" and the audio story of when I was physically attacked by performance artist Karen Finley (it's a funny one).

For $3 a month, you get a bonus post a week and a Rude Storytime every other week. Like the recent History of Rudeness series, including "That Time a Lot of People Wanted to Kill Me" and the audio tale of how I lost my job at Sears.

This is not to mention posts where I dove into the QAnon Reddit cellar of crazy and where I recommend shit I like - music, movies, TV, maybe even a book.

For $5, you get all that shit plus extended versions of the interviews from Another Goddamn Podcast, like the most recent one with Kaili Joy Gray of Shareblue.

For $10, you get all that plus tickets to any upcoming Rude Pundit events (and I'm working on a new stage thing).

I'm gonna do an online hangout soon, and maybe, if the interest and love is there, some hangout hangouts IRL.

For $100 a month, I might be obligated to go down on you. I have to check the rules of Patreon.

And when you join, you get access to everything at that level posted so far. A whole buncha nasty, funny, occasionally sad, and sometimes even uplifting pieces.

The money isn't just going to booze and drugs and condoms. Oh, no. When the total reaches an amount where I can, I wanna do more video stuff and I wanna pay people to help out with the podcast (and maybe even a writer or two). We can create an Empire of the Rude together.

And, sweet rudesters, we will need an empire heading towards 2020.