I sat down last night in front of the big-screen at Chez Rude with a tumbler of bourbon to enjoy snow-capped wood nymph Anderson Cooper's interview with Melania Trump, the wife of Republican nominee for president and flaming rage pig Donald Trump. Perhaps I would learn something. Perhaps it would give me an excuse to have several tumblers of bourbon. Instead, what you could glean from the interview was that powder is your friend when you're under bright lights and that Ms. Trump is as much of a narcissistic trash heap as her husband. In fact, she is everything that her husband is, except with proportionately longer fingers and possibly less inclination to maul women.
Let's see if we can count up the hypocrisies, lies, bullshit, and self-promotion that came out of the half-hour we all got to spend in the Trumps' fucking ugly Manhattan penthouse.
1. Melania Trump has no problem attacking the women who have accused her husband of unwanted advances and sexual assault. "This was all organized from the opposition and with the details that they go -- did they ever -- did they ever check the background of these women? They don't have any facts," Trump said, and that's pretty much exactly what the Trump campaign has accused Hillary Clinton of doing when it comes to the women who allege things about her husband. The big difference? If Clinton did try to disparage them, she never fucking did it in an interview or public forum.
2. Nothing is ever her husband's fault. She stated, flat out, "[E]verything was organized and put together to hurt him, to hurt his candidacy." When Cooper pressed her on this, asking if the media and the Clinton campaign were colluding, she responded, " Yes. Of course," as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, that, no shit, Anderson, Access Hollywood and NBC are working together to tank Trump.
3. This is not even to get into the totally pathetic excuse for Trump's campaign-wrecking audio where he admitted force-kissing and fondling women to a giggling Billy "Another Out-of-Work" Bush. "The language is inappropriate, it's not acceptable, and I was surprised because that is not the man that I know," Trump said. "And as you can see from the tape, the cameras were on. It was only a mike. And I wonder if they even knew that the mike was on because they were kind of boy talk and he was led on, like, egg on from the host to say dirty and bad stuff." If, say, Billy Bush had been heard saying, "And what about their pussies? Do you ever do anything to their pussies?" then, sure, that's egging on. But Trump did this on his own, not because of some Vulcan mind meld with bad boy Billy.
4. Did you know there are naked pictures of Melania Trump? Well, she was ready to remind you. Without being asked about them - just about the general treatment of her during the campaign, Trump brought up her early nude photos, reminding us that she has a body, ya'll: "I'm very proud I did those pictures. I'm not ashamed of my body. I feel very comfortable with myself and with my body. And they were taken for a European French magazine. And in Europe, we are proud of our bodies, no matter what size you are. And it was done as art, as a celebration of female body." Yes, Ms. Trump. We get it. You want people to look at the pictures.
5. What the fuck did she mean when she said that negative stories about her "surprised me also because every story, it's a female, it's a female reporter"? Is she saying that women are jealous of her? Of her body? Of her fatuous dick of a husband? Weird.
6. Donald Trump is a "gentleman" who just tells it like it is. You stupid proles misunderstand the depth of his honest honesty.
7. But, truly, the most fucked up thing in the interview was the conclusion, when Cooper asked Trump to fantasize about what she'd do as First Lady. Said a woman whose husband has professionalized trolling and childish name-calling online, "I see now in 21st century, the social media, it's very damaging for the children. We need to guide them and teach them about social media because I see a lot of negativity on it and we need to help them. It has some positive effect as well because this is the life that we live in now, but has a lot of negativity as well."
At that point, the word "hypocrisy" talked about killing himself but didn't do it while irony laughed at him.
Much bourbon was drunk.