If you're lucky enough to be like the Rude Pundit, you are part of Ted Cruz's Most Excellent League of Pray-Makers. Yes, you can sign up to get daily emails from the Cruz campaign's prayer team on how to beseech the good Lord to smite all Trumps and Rubios and make Cruz the president of Jesusland. Oh, but wait. It's not just for Christians. Now, you Jews can join in the fun. (And it cannot be emphasized enough that this is actually what was in the email.)
"For those of you who have participated in a Jewish seder, you’ll recognize Yahweh’s 'I wills.'
I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians.
I will free you from being slaves to them.
I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and might acts of judgment.
I will take you as my people and I will be your God.
"Our Lord God is the same yesterday and today and forever. He is still in the business of redeeming His people...and, we pray, the United States of America. [ellipses from Cruz - this is all quoted in full]
"During our day of fasting and prayer, let’s ask God to confirm that Ted’s 'I wills' by God’s enabling grace are trustworthy and worthy of a vote. He recently sent the following to supporters:
I will always be a consistent conservative.
I will always shoot straight with you.
I will run an honorable campaign.
I will be a good steward of your support.
I will work as hard as I can."
Yahweh, in case you need a reminder, is just a word for "God." So Cruz is implicitly saying that he is just like God, God willing. And you Jews should be Yahwehdamn grateful that Ted Cruz wants your worship. Oh, wait, no, your vote. Sure. Just your vote.
Man, where's a crucifix when you need one?