Chris Christie's Case for President: He Fucked New Jersey Real Good

Yes, it's true, good people of Iowa and New Hampshire. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is really, really shitty at the job he is desperately trying to get out of. Christie, America's angriest flat tire, is touring the bullshit small states that get too much say in who becomes president, with a detour this weekend to play "Who can lick this billionaire's balls cleanest?" in Idaho. He should be asked at every stop along the way, "Your state is falling the fuck apart. What the hell are you doing here when you should be back there making it better?"

A conservative think tank put out a report this week that ranked New Jersey second-to-last in fiscal health, just above Illinois. "The states that rank toward the bottom include states with ongoing structural deficit problems and difficulty achieving annual budget balance, in addition to long-term debt and pension pressures," the report from George Mason University said. And New Jersey has all that in spades, man, with no hope as long as Christie is governor and he refuses to do sane shit like raise the gas tax or fund the pension system because that'll look weak to the other boys and the girl in the GOP locker room. Christie is used to being the one snapping towels on post-shower asses; he ain't gonna stand for getting welts on his cheeks.

Because Christie is devoted to sucking all the dicks, he recently changed his reasoning as to why he vetoed funding for family planning clinics, including Planned Parenthood, in New Jersey for the last five years. Back in 2010, while he was still flying and not too close to the sun yet, Christie said he was doing so to help close a budget gap.

Now he uses it to boost his crazy credentials with evangelical Christians, bragging recently that he had "vetoed Planned Parenthood funding five times out of the New Jersey budget" at a Faith and Freedom Coalition's Jesus Fellatio Fest and Candidate Bondage Carnival. So he was lying when he said it was for budget reasons, and he's lying when he says it makes him "pro-life." The funding wasn't used for abortion services, by the way. It was "for crucial preventative health care for low income women, including gynecological exams and cancer screenings."

Six clinics out of 58 had to close; four were not even associated with Planned Parenthood. Let's hope the 131,000 women served by those clinics appreciate that Christie needs to position himself to the right of Jeb Bush if he has any chance to be president. Priorities, people. You may picture Christie squatting over poor women and taking a pizza shit on them. But he's just telling it like it is or, more precisely, telling it like fundamentalists want to hear.

One last failure for this failure of a leader, of a politician, of a man: Christie proudly brags how anti-drugs he is. If he's president, fuck your legal pot and fuck your state's right to legalize it. In New Jersey, you can tell how much Christie really cares about drug users by the fact that, as horrible as the heroin overdose epidemic has become in the United States, it's three times worse in New Jersey since Christie's been governor. Yeah, there are more people dropping dead from heroin than from "homicide, suicide, car accidents and AIDS" in Jersey. In two counties, more people die from ODing on smack than from pneumonia and the flu combined.

Christie's signed a few bills that attempt to help, but, like so much in his failed administration, he hasn't done enough. Or perhaps the better way to put it is that he did just enough to be able to brag about it to the mythical primary voters, but not nearly enough to make a difference in the very real lives he's harming.