Scott Walker: "No Dicks Shall Go Unsucked During My Campaign"

Yesterday, Wisconsin Governor and Republican Scott Walker, a man who looks like he was a reject from The Hills Have Eyes family, announced that he is the 800th candidate running for his party's nomination to be president. In his speech in Waukesha, Walker told the gathered, sleeping throng, "Let the word go out: Scott Walker will leave no dick unsucked on the road from from Waukesha to Washington. If there is a dick along the way, I will suck it like a it's a tube of hot ham." And then, to demonstrate, he approached every available dick and sucked it down deeply, as one does smoked, boiled, or baked meats.

From the start of his speech, when he began with "I love America," you couldn't keep Scott Walker's mouth off the dicks. He quickly grabbed a whole bunch of veterans' dicks and two-fisted sucked and yanked them, luxuriating under their spewing semen fountain, telling the stories of various warriors he had met and concluding, "These veterans remind me that America is a can-do kind of country. We just have a government in Washington that can’t seem to get the job done. Washington, or as I call it, 68 square miles surrounded by reality."

To tempt people to vote for him, Walker said, "Let me tell you about all the cheesehead dicks I've sucked," continuing, "We reduced taxes by $2 billion and lowered taxes on individuals, employers and property. In fact, property taxes are lower today than they were in 2010. How many Governors can say that?" Yes, and how many governors can say they had to cut $250 million from their state university's budget and lower the amount of money most public school districts get because fuck you, taxes ain't going up? Scott Walker, a man who looks like he's rubbing his balls with his mom's panties, doesn't have time to answer that question because there are dicks that aren't gonna suck themselves.

On he went: "Since I’ve been Governor, we passed lawsuit reform and regulatory reform. We defunded Planned Parenthood and enacted pro-life legislation. We passed Castle Doctrine and concealed carry. And we now require a photo ID to vote in the State of Wisconsin." There's so many dicks in those couple of sentences that it's impossible to think that Walker didn't get exhausted from sucking them all.

But he's unstoppable. Walker proudly said, "In Wisconsin, we enacted a program that says that adults who are able to work must be enrolled in one of our job training programs before they can get a welfare check. Now, as of the budget I just signed, we are also making sure they can take a drug test." A couple of minutes later, Walker asserted that "we need to rein in the federal government’s out-of-control regulations that are like a wet blanket on the economy." You got that? Welfare recipients are subject to the most intrusive of regulations. Businesses, including those that receive government money, should be free from regulations.

The rest of the speech was one dick suck after another: Obamacare repeal, Common Core gone, lower taxes, Obama's a pussy, Israel's so fucking awesome that there isn't even a word for its awesomeness. At this point in the GOP race, the dick sucking has become so expected that men don't even wear pants when they go to the announcement speeches. Why bother? You're just gonna drop 'em so that Chris Christie or Ted Cruz can suck your dick.

But yesterday was Scott Walker's turn with the Chapstick and knee pads. "Earlier this year, the President proclaimed that climate change is the greatest threat to future generations," he declared, teeing up two more dicks. "Well, Mr. President, I respectfully disagree. The greatest threat to future generations is radical Islamic terrorism and we need to do something about it." Of course, climate change's global consequences would have an effect on radical Islamic terrorists more than radical Islamic terrorists would have an effect on the climate, but, sure, whatever, dude who didn't graduate from college and brags - fucking brags - that he shops at Kohl's.

He concluded with one of his stupidest tweets: "You see, there is a reason we just took a day off to celebrate the 4th of July and not April 15th. Because in America, we celebrate our independence from the government and not our dependence on it." Who the fuck told him that that makes any goddamned sense? Why would we celebrate Tax Day, which has been April 15 only since 1955? And the Fourth of July was about the establishment of our own government, not about a descent into anarchy, you idiot who looks like you have frightened children hidden in a pit you dug in your basement.

Belly bloated with conservative cum, Walker grinned, his teeth shiny from spooge. It was now his race to lose, and lose it he will.