Joe Scarborough Says Almost All of Us Agree That Michael Brown Was a "Thug"

This morning, the Rude Pundit awoke as he usually does, stumbling over someone's pants while heading into the bathroom to Listerine out the lingering pot residue and genital tang of the night before from his mouth. Then he made coffee and headed into the living room at Le Chateau du Rude, determined not to turn on the MSNBC, feeling that he wasn't ready for the beady-eyed, dull masturbator stare of Joe Scarborough and the cruel dominatrix sneer of Mika Brzezezezezinski. He clicked onto the CNN, which was babbling something about the St. Louis Rams players who dared to act like they are human beings with a point of view. And, without even thinking, he clicked over to Morning Starbucks with Joe and beheld an especially keyed up Borough of Scar near tears at the pathetic people who think executed teenager Michael Brown, late of Ferguson, Missouri, is a hero.

"There are so many great people to embrace as heroes in the black community that deciding you're going to embrace a guy who knocked over a convenience store, and then according to grand jury testimony, acted in ways that would get my children shot...that's your hero? That's the reason you want to burn down black businesses?" Joey Scarboy huffed.

"The fuck?" the Rude Pundit thought. "Who thinks Michael Brown's a hero? He's a victim and a symbol, nothing more, nothing less. Don't fuckin' tell me who my heroes are, you whiny cockhead." Let's leave aside that shoplifting cigarillos and shoving a store owner is not exactly the same as knocking over a store, which, if you remember your 1950s thug movie lingo, means "robbing of all its cash."

Oh, but Joey wasn't done, not by a long shot. Michael Brown was a "thug," see, and, as such, deserves no sympathy and no place as "the face of black oppression." It should be noted that Joe Scarborough is, in fact, white, as were the other three people seated around the MSNBC morning buffet of condemnation. Of the protesters, Scar said, “They might as well have come out with a flying saucer attached on all their heads in solidarity of Michael Brown being transported to Venus on a flying saucer because that happened as much as that happened." It should be noted that Mika Brzzzzzinksi sneered in response.

Joey was also pissed off about more. He was pissed off at the aforementioned footballers, who put their hands up in a gesture of solidarity with the protesters in their own town. He was pissed off at how the Cleveland cops who drove right up to a 12 year-old with a toy gun (that supposedly looked real) and shot him dead immediately are being treated poorly by the New York Times. And Joey was pissed off at his own show's guests: "You know what pisses me off too is I have people around this set all the time. They let me say what I say on set and they sit and stare at me, slack-jawed. They're afraid to say anything on the air, even though they know it's BS. People [are] saying one thing when the camera's on and then saying something completely different when the camera gets turned off, because they're somehow afraid they'll be called racist if they tell the truth." To which one can only say: Why the fuck don't you get some other guests instead of the silent sycophants?

Minion Donny Deutsch removed Scarborough's dick from his mouth just long enough to declare that he, Donny Deutsch, is "left of center," but he stands with Scarborough. "I could not agree with every word you said more passionately," Deutsch smirked. "It's not a black-white situation. It's a thug-police officer situation." Scarborough nodded approvingly and then gestured for Deutsch to shut up and put that dick back in his mouth, which Deutsch did with amazing speed and enthusiasm.

He cares about the cops, that Joey Scar. "[W]e’re doing such a grave disservice to police officers," he said. The Rams should apologize to the cops, the Times should apologize to the cops, shit, to Scarborough's logic, Michael Brown should apologize to Darren Wilson for not leaving behind a note saying exactly what he was doing when he turned around and moved towards the cop.

It was an amazing performance, especially the part where Joey tried to give himself credibility by talking about how he believed that George Zimmerman was a thug who shot and murdered Trayvon Martin. He wants you to know exactly where he stands: "[I]n this case, if my child or your child knocked over a convenience store and then went down the middle of the street shouting profanities at a police officer, let’s just say in Staten Island, in Queens, and then went into the car and started punching the police officer and grabbing for his gun, he’d probably be shot in the car."

Put aside for a moment that the mention of Staten Island evokes the execution by cop of Eric Garner. Instead, what someone needs to explain to everyone who says that Michael Brown was shot dead because he tried to take the gun from a cop is that unarmed Michael Brown wasn't trying to take the gun from a cop when he was killed. He was dozens of yards away. If he had been killed while trying to take the gun, this might be an easier case. What makes those of us pissed off about this case so pissed off (yeah, just like Joey) is that when Brown headed away from the SUV, Wilson should have thought about other options. He didn't. He just shot. Ten times.

Instead of contemplating any other possible way of framing the issue, Joe Scarborough reached into his asshole and pulled out a hyperbolic number: "If I've offended anybody offended anybody by saying what I've said, trust me, 95% of America thinks just like me." Which would be true if it wasn't complete and utter bullshit.

The other white guy on the set, Mark Halperin, started to say something after he removed his nose from Scarborough's asshole, but by then the Rude Pundit had had more than his fill and went to find whiskey to put in the coffee to make it through the day.