The Devil Responds to Antonin Scalia:
Down in the fiery pits, the Devil read with deep delight the comments that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia made regarding the existence of Satan, demon, and Hell itself. Asked what he thought about Scalia declaring that not only does he believe in the Devil, but that "What he’s doing now is getting people not to believe in him or in God. He’s much more successful that way," the Devil himself responded:
"Well, lemme first tell ya that I'm a big, big fan of Justice Scalia. I mean, c'mon, how could ya not love the guy? 'Argle-bargle.' That shit's gold. The man said that capital punishment decisions are 'easy.' He hates sodomy so much that he's made it simple for me to figure out how to punish him after he dies. Check out these barbed wire baseball bats. Yeah, that spiky Louisville slugger's gonna feel pretty bad going into his sphincter.
"What's hilarious is that Scalia's Catholicism has exposed him to my greatest work on earth. Umm, hello? Priests fucking little kids and getting away with it? I'm not subtle about this shit. Getting people to not believe in God? Well, if you consider all the Jesus freaks who finally take Christ's dick out of their mouths when one of my floods or tornadoes waste their towns, then, yeah, sure. But it's way more fun to watch a desperate mom try to save her baby as the water fills up her car. Oh, does that offend you? I'm the motherfuckin' Devil, bitch.
"Scalia also wonders 'why there’s not demonic possession all over the place.' He says that 'That always puzzled me. What happened to the Devil, you know? He used to be all over the place.' First off, demonic possession is not the rush it used to be. Back in the day, you could take one young woman and get an entire town to burn everyone they think is a witch. Now, you possess one teenaged chick, her friends just film her vomiting and it ends up on YouTube - by the way, YouTube? Totally my doing.
"You tell Big Tony that I'm waiting for him. All that repentance bullshit he talks about is worthless. He wonders if Judas Iscariot is down here. Yeah, he is, and he's gonna be Scalia's bunkmate. The thing about Judas is that he's been here so long that he's gone native. A little bit rapey, if you know what I mean, and if you don't, it means that Judas is more than likely gonna rape Scalia in between shit baths, castrations, and long spit-fire rotations.
"But, hey, good to know that the United States has a man like Scalia as one of its Supreme Court justices. People who believe in phantoms and demons and eternal justice are just perfect for deciding the future of your nation. He'll end up doing all the work I want to do at half the price.
"Now I've gotta watch So You Think Can Dance. On my DVR. Idle hands, you know?"