Mitt Romney: Useless on Univision:
Yes, yes, ha-ha, it sure does look like Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney darkened his skin to appear on Spanish-language network Univision last night or, as the Romneys call it, "El Television de Gardeners." At least he didn't go full taquito and start Speedy Gonzalesing around the set. But, you know, he's still a dumb fuck.

However, as was once again made clear, Mitt Romney is a dumb fuck who either has no answer to issues or the wrong answers. If Romney was a fortune teller, his tarot cards would always show the Three of Whuh? crossed with Death. In answering the questions asked by the hosts and others on the "Meet the Candidate" forum, Romney's performance seemed to be more akin to a bad magician who ends up sawing his assistant in half for real, ignoring the screams and blood because that'd spoil the illusion.

Just a couple of examples: a college student wondered, "What specific steps will you take to — as President — to ease the debt burden of a million young people, and promote a better future for higher education?"

Romney responded like every rich puke whose parents bought an Ivy League degree for them: "The best thing I can do for you...is make sure that when you get out of the University of Miami, you have a job, all right." He added, "[T]he best thing I can do is not to — Hey, I’ll loan you more money. Here let’s loan you — I don’t want to overwhelm you with debts. I want you to make sure you can pay back the debts you’ve already got and that will happen with good jobs" and, blah, blah, blah, he will make sure there's a bunch of new, shiny jobs for her, like a rich puke whose parents have a job waiting for him. You might look at that and think that Romney didn't really answer the question and seemed to indicate he wanted to cut student loans (earlier he had said he likes Pell Grants, though). But then you'd just be another conniving liberal who is taking a man's inelegant words that were said off the cuff too seriously.

But beyond the non-answers and the vague answers rests the truly nonsensical and truly dangerous policies he says he's gonna institute. Sure, he embraced the Massachusetts health care plan, but only as a way of showing that every state should come up with its own. That's right: fifty different plans for fifty different states, all with their own rules and restrictions. No abortion in Alabama and you get charged more for drinking big sodas in New York. Or some such shit. Romney warned, "The idea of a federal government stepping in and telling people here’s the kind of insurance you have to have; you don’t get the choice of whether you want comprehensive or whether you want catastrophic. The government’s going to tell you what you have to have. The government is going to ultimately have a board that tells you what kind of care you can receive." Apparently, though, a state government and state board telling you these things is just fine because freedom, motherfuckers.

In assessing the education system of the nation, Romney said his plan is simple: "Under my federal plan, I’m going to take dollars that normally are sent to states and school districts, I’m going to instead say, 'That goes to the child to take to him or her to the school of their choice.' And let’s let students go to the schools where they think they’re going to get the best education." One hopes he means the dollars go to the parents or Uncle Touchy's School of Playstation is gonna get a lot of money.

It was tedious, useless, and limp as an old burrito (see what the Rude Pundit did there?). Romney said, "I care" a couple of times because nothings says one cares like saying one cares. He closed with the plea of a whore looking to give one last hummer to be able score some rock: "They never get the job done. You’d lose your job in the private sector if you didn’t get the job done. I will get the job done."

Romney's Hispanic minstrel show last night was as worthless as Romney, but it showed again that he may be dull and vague, but he's also gonna wreck the joint if he gets in.