7/07/2011

Chris Christie Is Your Fat Fucking Future (A Post With a Bunch of Fat Jokes Because He's So Fucking Fat):
Republican Governor Chris Christie is a gelatinous globule of bile and bullshit that undulates across the weary floorboards of the New Jersey statehouse. A little over two weeks ago, he was hailed by the national press for getting the Democratic-controlled legislature to agree to hikes in state worker contributions on health care and pensions, as well as getting rid of collective bargaining rights on those issues. Last week, those same Democrats presented Christie with a $30.6 billion budget, which was $1 billion more than what the governor said he'd accept and what the state treasury said would make a balanced budget. Democrats also had included raising taxes on millionaires to add a half-billion in revenue. Of course, the Christie-beast, not liking the a la mode on that pie, was displeased.

So he line-item vetoed the shit out of it. He cut assistance to poor cities like Camden and Trenton by over 90% (no, really: from $149 million to $10 million). He cut $50 million to hire back laid-off cops and firefighters. He cut $55 million in college grants, which left less than he originally proposed. $8 million to AIDS-related programs, $9 million to women's health care (including Planned Parenthood), $9 million to mental health care, all, all cut. Essentially, Christie took the Democrats and their good will and sat on 'em, crushing them under the weight of his power. And his ass. Which is huge.

By the way, you know how making state workers give more money for health care and pensions is "shared sacrifice," essentially raising their taxes? Yeah, he vetoed the tax increase on the wealthy. By the way, you know how he cut all that money from programs for the poor? Yeah, he also added $150 million to funds for non-poverty-stricken school districts. You'll hear the governor tout how he raised the amount of money spent on education. That's only because he was under court order to do so, since he wanted to slash it last year. It's like a judge told Christie, "Eat a fucking salad, for fuck's sake, ya fat fuck," and now he's showing everyone the lettuce on his fork and bragging, "See? I'm eatin' salad." But nobody's gonna make him take a walk.

You wanna know just how cruel a man can be if he hasn't seen his own penis in decades? There's this child advocacy and welfare center called Wynona's House, inside a hospital in Newark. It's named for Wynona Lipman, the first African-American to serve in the New Jersey State Senate. Its mission is "to promote justice and healing of child victims of abuse and violence by coordinating investigative, prosecutorial, treatment, and prevention services." Seems like an objective good, no? One that is necessary and should be supported?

Christie line-item vetoed $537,000 or 75% of the state's funding to Wynona's House. Jowled the governor, "The reason, by the way, that I cut every one of these is we can’t afford it." By the way, again, the president of the organization says that its services save the state $1000 for every case it takes. Last year, it took 1000 cases. The cases, by the way, are abused children. You do the math.

As State Assembly Speaker Sheila Oliver said, "We're not talking about political hacks here. We're not talking about pork spending. We're not talking about special interests. We're talking about abused children. We're talking about traumatized children. We're talking about protecting and healing the most innocent amongst us. Many of the governor's cuts are heartless, but this is inexplicable. This is sickening. The governor can wield the power of his office to be heartless, if he so chooses, but he should at least have the humanity not to be that way toward abused children."

Oh, one more thing: Christie's cuts, adjusted for inflation, now leave the state with a $600 million surplus.

So, really, Senate President Stephen Sweeney, who is facing massive heat from unions for supporting Christie's aforementioned pension/health care/collective bargaining dicking over, was probably too mild when he said of the governor, "This is all about him being a bully and a punk." Sweeney also called him "a rotten bastard" and "a rotten prick," although, to be fair, if he was hungry enough, Christie would probably eat a rotten prick.

It's override time, of course, and some of these are no-brainers. But what Christie did, in no uncertain terms, and with every pun intended, was throw his weight around. He demonstrated that he's no pussy bipartisan compromiser. Oh, no. He proved that the big man is a big man, sticking it to the poor while sucking up to the rich.

And now Christie's on vacation. Two-weeks away with the family, and you know he went wherever his wife wanted. One thing about grotesquely fat, straight dudes: they are grateful as hell to whatever woman is willing to fuck them. Perhaps a cruise, where there's unlimited food at all hours of the day where Chris Christie, our 21st century icon of gluttony and greed, the massive moral black hole in the center of our obese body politick, can shovel food in his face. And maybe he'll choke on it.